Anita’s on Vacation!

Hello everyone!

Just a quick note to let you know I’m on vacation and won’t be available to answer your “Ask Anita” questions for a couple of weeks.

 In the meantime, please enjoy my archives and I’ll be back soon!

Woman Needs Help Moving On, After Third Failed Marriage

Dear Anita:
I’ll be 51 this year and I’m newly separated. This is my third marriage, lasting less than two years. I have been extremely depressed and I’m having health problems. My soon-to-be-ex is 63, and I think he married me out of loneliness and to anger his eldest daughter—a 30-year-old doctor. He dotes on her, but she hates him. She also began to hate me when I stood up to her about her criticism of us. I need help moving on, since this marriage has wounded me and the trust issue is terrible, as he told his daughter all of my secrets. I believe he’s in love with her, and she has yet to date. I am angry at myself for not seeing this. Thanks for any help you can give me. –Three Times A Fool

Dear TTAF:

Let me begin by saying, I understand your pain and I strongly encourage you to speak to your family doctor, who can help you deal with your physical problems, and, if necessary, refer you to a therapist for your anger and depression.

There’s no need for you to be dealing with this alone, when help is just a phone call away.

In the meantime, here’s my two cents…

As someone who’s “been there, done that,” I can certainly empathize with your situation. Heck my second marriage was over after only six months, and most of my other “long-term” relationships ended at the two-year mark. So, girlfriend, we’ve got a lot in common. (We’re even the same age!)

I’d be interested in knowing who ended each relationship, particularly marriage number three.

It would also be helpful to know: a) how long you knew your current husband before tying the knot, b) what attracted you to him, and c) why you chose to marry him.

However, I’ll work with the information you’ve provided.

You say your soon-to-be-ex likely married you out of loneliness. This is quite common, actually; usually among older folks who are widowed and looking for companionship in their old age. Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn’t; it depends on the expectations of both parties. But I wouldn’t recommend marrying anyone for that reason. If you don’t like being alone—I say, get a roommate.

However, what’s disturbing is you think he also married you to anger his daughter. You say, “he’s in love with her” and “she has yet to date.” Perhaps I’m misreading between the lines, but the euphemisms you’re using here suggest to me he may have sexually abused his daughter and continues to have inappropriate feelings for her. This would certainly explain why she “hates” her father and—at the age of 30—hasn’t ever been on a date.

You say he’s told his daughter all of your “secrets.” I wouldn’t stress too much over this. If she truly hates the man, I’m sure she has little interest in anything he has to say; and if she doesn’t like you either, chances are she doesn’t give a rat’s ass about your secrets. Obviously, the man cannot be trusted to keep a confidence, and if he’s an abuser, you’re lucky to be rid of him.

I can also empathize with your depression. I suffered from it for years. I saw a therapist weekly and was on Prozac for a very long time. But once I worked through my childhood issues of abandonment (my entire family was killed in a car accident when I was five), and saw the error of my adult ways (sleeping with, living with, and marrying inappropriate men), my depression lifted and now I’m fine!

So, you need to seriously evaluate why you continue to make inappropriate choices. And, before getting too deeply involved with someone, you need to listen to your gut and keep an eye out for red flags. There are always signs when someone is wrong for you; your job is to pay attention to them!

Most importantly, you have to stop getting married. Obviously, this is not something that’s working for you.

A healthy relationship is a partnership of mutual respect, admiration, friendship, trust, emotional support, common values and goals, and, of course, love. One must be of healthy mind and spirit before embarking upon an everlasting journey with another person.

It’s perfectly natural to be angry at yourself for not seeing the situation for what it was. But there’s no point in beating yourself up over it now. What’s done is done. You’re only human and all humans make mistakes. Your goal is to learn from your errors in judgment and try to do better next time.

To quote Maya Angelou, “When you know better; you do better.”

Now, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and give yourself a hug. All is not lost. You’re only 51, after all. You’ve got plenty of time to figure out what you’ve been doing wrong, and to, eventually, get it right.

I’m living proof of that!

“Crazy Woman” Terrified of Commitment?

Dear Anita:
I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for a few months now and most everything is great. The only problem revolves around her severe phobia of PDA. I’m not a fan of PDA myself but she goes to the point where she will look around for cameras in elevators before kissing me, or just not show any physical display of affection anywhere if she thinks there is a remote chance that someone will see us. She says she doesn’t like making people feel uncomfortable. She says she has been like that with all of her past boyfriends and even told me that she referred to her last ex of 5 years as “her friend” when people would ask, “who is the guy with you in the picture?” Another example is when a coworker at the office asks who the flowers are from, she will say “from a friend.” In my opinion she has a serious problem, this is by no means normal. I psychoanalyzed her and confronted with the accusation of being “afraid of commitment,” she denied that this was the issue. She seems very committed to me, so it’s confusing trying to figure out what is going on in her mind. She is very caring, showers me in love, and always wants to be with me; I just don’t understand her thought process. I know you might suggest that she is not ready to be committed to someone and that I should drop her, but in my opinion you can never date someone who is 100% perfect. There are always a few things you don’t like about the person. Most everything about her I do like. To find another girl who meets my high standards is relatively easy, I’m an attractive young man, but I like this one a lot ;). Please help me figure out this crazy woman. –Need Some Recognition

Dear Need Some:

Let me begin by saying, this is not an easy question. Without actually seeing your girlfriend in action and watching her facial expressions and body language, it’s difficult to evaluate what could be going on in her mind.

But, here’s what I think:

On the surface, it does appear she is afraid of commitment; but, considering she was involved with another man for five years, and displayed the same sort of “phobic” behavior, one would have to assume there is a deeper explanation.

Since she’s overly concerned about public displays of affection, it’s possible she’s simply shy and introverted, or was raised in an environment where PDA is considered taboo or highly inappropriate, possibly for cultural or religious reasons.

Do you know anything about her home life? Could this be the case?

She is also, seemingly, ashamed of your relationship. It’s certainly disturbing that, when asked directly, she will not admit to having a boyfriend. And, of course, avoiding public displays of affection is a huge part of this.

So, if we rule out an oppressive upbringing, what else could possibly be going on with her?

Perhaps she’s still playing the field. This is not to say she’s afraid of commitment, but rather simply not ready for it—at least not with you. All this subterfuge and denial could be her, rather dishonest, way of keeping her options open.

God knows, I used to do that.

Back in the day, I dated and slept with many a fellow, each one believing he was my boyfriend at the time. But, whenever anyone asked, I’d say, “Oh, he’s not my boyfriend, just some guy I hang out with.”

Why?

Because I knew in my heart that none of these guys was “the one,” and I wanted to be sure I didn’t miss any new opportunities by admitting to a relationship with any of the “in the meantime” guys. (A horrible thing to do, I know. But, we all make mistakes, and, hopefully, learn from them.)

Another possibility could be her sexual orientation. Is she perhaps an in-the-closet lesbian? How sexual is she behind closed doors? Is there any indication she may not be fully attracted to you?

A third scenario could be an unreasonable desire to please family and friends. For instance, I know a woman who tends to date the kind of men who others believe are inappropriate for her. So, rather than defend her choices, she’s extremely secretive whenever she’s seeing someone.

And, like your GF, she avoids PDA and lies whenever anyone asks, “So, who’s that guy you were with?”

“We’re just friends,” is always her response—even though we all know better.

Chances are your girlfriend will not be honest with you, even if you ask her if any of these scenarios might be true. But, you never know.

On the other hand, she may not even know what’s motivating her to be this way. Perhaps she needs to work through some deep-rooted issues with a therapist.

But, either way, you should point out to her that her behavior is illogical. If she’s so worried about making others feel “uncomfortable,” why isn’t she applying the same standards to your discomfort?

Doesn’t she realize it hurts your feelings when she denies being in a relationship with you, or won’t show even the slightest bit of affection toward you in public?

I agree, you’ll never date someone who is 100% perfect. But, at the very least, you should be dating someone who acknowledges your existence.

Having said that, you’ve been dating this woman for only a few months, so it is possible things could turn themselves around. But, if they don’t, you’ll begin resenting her “phobic” behavior, and eventually the woman herself.

I’m not advising you to break up with her, but, since this situation is bothering you so much, you do need to get to the bottom of it, or you won’t be happy.

And if you’re not happy, your relationship won’t survive.

Help! My Girlfriend is Living with Her Ex!

Dear Anita:
I got into a long distance relationship about seven months ago with a girl who is two years my junior and is still in college. We got together in the summer and when she went back to school she decided to live with her ex-boyfriend who she just recently broke up with. I, of course, was uncomfortable with this and expressed that to her. The two of them live in a two story condo and spend a significant amount of time together. When his family comes into town they always take them both out to eat, as if they were still a couple. She reassures me that I have nothing to worry about because he is more like a brother now, but it still bothers me very much. The worst part is, even after she has seen the strain this imposed on our relationship, she already decided to live with him for another year. I don’t think she would ever cheat on me with him, but I’m constantly bothered by the whole situation. What do you think about all that and what should I do? –Feeling Stressed

Dear FS:

Whenever I hear that someone is in a long distance relationship, it automatically raises a red flag. Add to the mix, a still-in-the-picture-ex-boyfriend, and two flags go up.

Although it is possible to remain on good terms with an ex, it’s baffling to me, why anyone would voluntarily choose to live with one—especially when one is, purportedly, in a relationship with someone else.

A hidden agenda, perhaps?

Does she not have any female friends with whom she can share accommodations?

Although, it doesn’t change the situation, it would interest me to know who broke up with whom? Was it mutual? Did he dump her? Did she dump him? How long were they together before they split? What was the reason for their break-up?

The answers to these questions could shed some light on her state of mind.

However, regardless of her reasoning, she is, nevertheless, being extremely selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings. Choosing to live with her ex for yet another year, when she is fully aware of the strain her living arrangements are placing on you, shows a lack of empathy and respect.

I assume you’ve already asked her how she would feel if you moved in with your ex, or spent time with another woman on a daily basis. If you haven’t, you should ask her to give some serious thought to that. After all, “what’s good for the goose” should be “good for the gander,” no?

Since your relationship is long distance, it’s impossible for you to know what’s really going on between your girlfriend and the man she’s living with. Mind you, even people who live in the same city can get away with cheating, if they really want to.

So, you have to ask yourself how much stress and uncertainty you’re prepared to tolerate for this woman. Is she really worth all this anxiety?

I’m willing to bet she’s not losing any sleep over you.

And, by the way, none of my exes (and I’ve had many) have ever felt like a “brother” to me after we broke up, even if we did remain friendly afterwards.

Heck, even her own family isn’t taking the “break-up” seriously. What does that tell you?

My advice to you, FS, is this: If you’re looking for a long term, monogamous relationship, I strongly suggest you look closer to home. It may be a cliché, but it’s absolutely true: there are “plenty of fish in the sea.” There’s absolutely no reason for you to be dating someone whose behavior is making you feel that uncomfortable. It’s simply not healthy.

And, truth be told, you’re not really “dating,” nor do you have much of a “relationship,” if you’re not seeing each other on a regular basis.

You’re obviously a thoughtful and articulate young man. You deserve better, and there are many women out there who would be lucky to have you.

As it stands now, your relationship is not working. I would suggest you let her go, sow some wild oats, and get on with your life.

What’s that old saying? “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.”

Good luck.

Be Kind to Your Chocolate Rabbits