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Are You Leading Women On? December 31, 2007

Posted by Anita in Advice for Men, Dating & Relationships.
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I recently wrote about a couple of needy, clingy women and the “nice guys” (Ziggy and Lorne) who are being victimized by their girlfriends’ desperate and overbearing behavior.

Now, calling the guys “nice” may not be entirely accurate, considering they’re lying to their girlfriends and leading them on. Normally, they are nice, but (despite their good intentions), in this case, not so much.

Anyway, here’s another story about another nice guy and the woman he eventually dumped…

The Story of Andrew and Tess (not their real names)

Andrew is one of the sweetest guys you’ll ever meet. He’s respectful, kind, compassionate, and gives everyone (yes, everyone!) the benefit of the doubt, no matter how suspicious, outrageous, or despicable their behavior.

And like Lorne and Ziggy, he detests confrontation.

One day, a friend of Andrew’s introduced him to her co-worker, Tess, thinking they might hit it off.

Sure enough, she was right. Andrew and Tess began sleeping together immediately, seeing each other almost daily, and all seemed blissful on the home front.

But about a month into their relationship, Tess began acting really weird. I’ll spare you the details, but her behavior was so bizarre, Andrew was forced to get help.

Unbeknownst to Andrew, Tess suffered from a psychiatric disorder and had stopped taking her meds shortly after they met. And as Andrew eventually discovered, going off her meds was something Tess did on a regular basis.

So she was hospitalized for a couple of months until she stabilized. And even though they’d only been together a few short weeks before this happened, Andrew felt obligated to remain by Tess’s side the entire time.

When she was released, they continued dating. But Andrew was worried.

What if she goes off her meds again? How bad can it get? How will I cope with having a mentally ill girlfriend? he wondered. On the other hand, since she promised to stay on her medication, he didn’t feel he had a good reason to break it off.

If he liked her before, why couldn’t he still like her now? he rationalized. After all, if she had diabetes or any other manageable condition, he wouldn’t be breaking up with her over that. So why dump someone just because they have a few teensy-weensy psychiatric issues?

Well, he should have.

Approximately six months later, Andrew met someone else and proceeded to date both women simultaneously.

At some point Tess stopped taking her meds again and began acting even nuttier than before. She began stalking Andrew, leaving strange objects and weird notes in his mailbox, flipping out in public, setting herself on fire, and doing all kinds of other crazy shit.

Andrew was forced to admit Tess just wasn’t the girl for him and that he preferred his new (saner and more rational) companion. However, being afraid of what Tess might do to herself – or possibly to him- Andrew simply didn’t have the guts to end it.

Mind you, like most guys, he was still enjoying the sex. (Apparently, crazy girls are really hot in bed.)

Finally, a mutual friend informed Tess that Andrew was seeing another woman and had been doing so for months.

Tess didn’t believe it at first and vehemently proclaimed, “Andrew would never do that to me!” And Tess had every reason to assume she was right.

As I said, Andrew is one heck of a wonderful guy. He doesn’t deliberately hurt people or tell lies. But his fear of confrontation and the inevitable backlash of dumping his mentally unstable girlfriend, caused him to act out of character and behave badly.

Tess confronted Andrew and was horrified when he came clean and suggested they break up.

Naturally, Tess threw a tantrum and proceeded to destroy everything in her path. She may not have handled it very well, but – mentally ill, or not – she certainly had a right to be angry.

The moral of the story?

No matter how noble their reasons, Ziggy, Lorne, and Andrew are all guilty of the same thing – leading women on.

So guys, if you begin dating someone and discover she’s a little bit nuts, too possessive, too oppressive, or too (insert issue here), and you realize you’ve made a mistake, for your own sake and hers – please, just tell the woman!

Don’t let it drag on and on and on. It doesn’t get any easier, and the longer you avoid being honest, the worse your break-up will be.

Staying in a relationship because you’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings is ridiculous! And you’re not being “nice” by sparing someone the truth.

Most women are not as fragile as you think. We’d rather have our feelings hurt early on than be lied to or strung along for months or even years.

So if you happen to be one of those guys, just waiting for the right time to break the news… get it over with now!

Some day your (ex) girlfriend will thank you.

Not Getting Many Dates? You’re Hotter Than You Think! December 28, 2007

Posted by Anita in Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships, Online Dating.
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I was checking out an online dating website, when I was stopped short by a heart-breaking profile heading.

“I’m looking for a boyfriend. I’m ugly,” it said.

At first I figured it was someone’s misguided attempt at being clever. But, as I continued to read, I realized that, sadly, this was no joke. The writer is a 23-year-old female, standing 5′3″ and weighing in at 260 pounds. Being substantially overweight, it’s understandable she’d be unhappy with her body-image, but to go so far as to say she’s ugly – on a dating site no less! – is obviously a sign of deeper issues.

Quite frankly, I’m surprised she had the wherewithal to join a dating site, considering the sorry state of her self-esteem.

In keeping with her headline, she goes on to say: “I don’t have a job, I’m not in college, and I’m ugly.”

Clearly, the girl needs help with her profile writing, yet, ironically she’s one of the few people on the site with a really good photo of herself, a nice, clear headshot, likely taken by a professional photographer.

And no, she’s not ugly; not conventionally beautiful, perhaps, but that’s in the eye of the beholder, isn’t it?

So what would cause a young woman to hold such a low opinion of herself?

As every woman is painfully aware, society places a tremendous amount of pressure on us to look good. We’re expected to have straight white teeth, soft, smooth, wrinkle-free skin, shiny hair, perky breasts, a tight butt, and a thin, buff body.

Gorgeous Hollywood starlets and size zero super models grace the covers of magazines, taunting us with their air-brushed perfection. While extreme makeover shows drive the point home, as self-perceived “ugly ducklings” allow plastic surgeons, cosmetic dentists, and dermatologists to suck out their fat, break their noses, veneer their teeth, and inject their foreheads with Botox – when what they really need is an attitude adjustment, and maybe a new shade of lip gloss.

I remember reading the results of a study last year in which an overweight woman in a bikini says to a group, “Do you think I’m sexy?” and to another she says, “Do you think I’m fat?”

Interestingly, both groups answered “yes,” regardless of the question, thus confirming what smart women already know: the way you see yourself influences how others see you.

In another study, a group of men and women were asked to solve math problems. When they were given the test in their street clothes, both sexes scored the same. But, when the same test was administered to people wearing bathing suits, the women didn’t do so well. Apparently, they were too busy obsessing about their bodies to think straight!

So applying these results to real life: clearly, worrying less and projecting a positive self-image are extremely important.

Additionally, if you’re out on a date and you’re feeling insecure about your looks, try focusing your attention on the person you’re with! Compliment them, ask them questions, make them feel good, and, according to the experts, they will automatically find you more attractive and appealing.

Such is human nature. People are more likely to remember how you make them feel, as opposed to how you actually look.

Are You Driving Men Away? December 20, 2007

Posted by Anita in Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships.
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When men attempt bold gestures, generally it’s considered romantic. When women do it, it’s often considered desperate or psycho. -Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

It just so happens I know a bunch of opinionated single guys who aren’t afraid to express how they feel about the women they date. So to all you heterosexual women out there: believe me when I tell you, if there’s one thing guys absolutely can’t stand – it’s needy, clingy, desperate-seeming women.

Ziggy and Sheila
Take my pal Ziggy (not his real name). He’s 26 and recently began seeing a 32-year-old woman, I’ll call Sheila.

They slept together within hours of their first meeting, and just as quickly, Sheila turned into, what can only be described as, a stalker. Ziggy’s friends refer to her as “The Psycho.”

Sheila calls Ziggy numerous times a day, sometimes at 4:00 in the morning when the poor boy is trying to sleep. It’s been less than two months, but Sheila believes she’s head-over-heels in love.

Ziggy’s friends think Sheila’s confusing “love” with the thrill of being with a younger man. I think her issues are more serious than that.

Unfortunately, Ziggy is too nice of a guy to tell her to back off. He’s also chicken! He puts up with her pesky phone calls during the week, sees her on weekends, and then bad-mouths her to his friends when she’s not around.

Everyone’s telling Ziggy to cut her loose, but he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. At least that’s what he says. Personally, I think he’s afraid of what she might do. After all, the wrath of an unbalanced woman is not a pretty sight.

Lorne and Brianna
Then we have my buddy, 52-year-old Lorne (not his real name). Another nice guy, who doesn’t have the guts to be honest with his 35-year-old girlfriend, Brianna (not her real name, either).

Before meeting Brianna, Lorne had been dating various women in their mid-to-late forties and wasn’t satisfied with any of them. So when Brianna asked him out, he was thrilled that a younger woman would be interested in an “old guy” like him. Not to mention, an extremely attractive younger woman!

But the novelty is quickly wearing thin. They’ve been seeing each other for about three months now, and like Sheila, Brianna has become clingy, needy, and annoying. She calls Lorne daily, and shows up on his doorstep almost every night.

Lorne was married for 20 years, has three adult children, and has no interest in tying the knot ever again. Nor does he wish to live with anyone. He’s set in his ways and enjoys living alone.

Regrettably, he’s not being entirely honest with Brianna. He has no desire to make their relationship permanent, butbeing a typical guy, he’s neglected to mention it. Why? Because he’s thoroughly enjoying the regular sex.

He also detests confrontation. Whenever Brianna brings up their future together, Lorne changes the subject. He’d rather avoid the issue than deal with the discomfort of discussing it.

Brianna thinks they have an exclusive relationship. (Lorne, on the other hand, is not what you’d call “faithful.”) Brianna’s constantly telling Lorne she loves him, which makes him extremely uncomfortable. And to make matters worse, although Lorne had no intention of reciprocating the sentiment, he accidentally responded with “I love you too,” after a night of passion and a few too many brewskies.

The fact is, he’s not even sure he likes her anymore. So while Brianna is conjuring up ways to make Lorne a permanent fixture in her life, he’s trying to find the courage to break it off.

Do You Recognize Yourself?
So how needy are you? Are you “in love” with someone who doesn’t feel the same way? Are you possessive and in the guy’s face 24/7?

If you haven’t already gone too far, this would be a good time to tone it all down. If the damage hasn’t already been done, back off now, and give the guy a chance to pursue you at his own pace. If you’re meant to be together, taking it slow will make your journey to forever so much more enjoyable!

I know a lot about guys – from years of dating and from listening to my male friends. So trust me when I tell you: most men don’t want to hear the “L” word anytime soon. It’s just too much pressure. I’d wait a good four to six months before saying it out loud (longer if possible). Granted, there are some exceptions, but don’t assume your guy is one of them.

Needy women tend to drive sane men away. And desperation is not attractive.

If Sheila and Brianna had just relaxed a little, they wouldn’t have placed their boyfriends in the predicaments they are now in. If they had only played it cool and given the guys some space, Ziggy and Lorne wouldn’t be brainstorming ways to get rid of them.

Love Yourself
Sheila and Brianna likely suffer from low self-esteem and are seeking validation from the men they date. Rather than latching onto unsuspecting guys, they’d be better off learning how to love themselves first.

If you suffer from similar issues and can’t seem to control yourself, it wouldn’t hurt to get some help from a qualified therapist.

Remember ladies: When you’re comfortable in your own skin, you’ll be much more fun to be around. You won’t be oozing desperation and you’ll attract the kind of man you really want – the kind of man who can’t wait to see you again and who truly wants to commit.

So ease up, slow down, get a life, and, if you play your cards right, perhaps Mr. Wonderful will actually enjoy being with you and won’t be battling the urge to run.

Older and Bolder! Thinking of Dating a Younger Man? Read on… December 16, 2007

Posted by Anita in Advice for Seniors, Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships.
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Are older women dating (and marrying) younger men? You bet they are!

Hollywood darlings Demi Moore, Susan Sarandon, Courtney Cox Arquette, Cameron Diaz, Madonna, Halle Berry, Goldie Hawn, Kim Cattrall and her fictitious counterpart (Sex and the City’s gorgeous, free-spirited, forty-something Samantha Jones) may get all the press, but you don’t have to be a famous celebrity to reap the rewards of dating (or marrying) a younger man.

Sexy, smart, and accomplished women, the world over, are finding lasting love and fulfillment with good men who are many years their junior.

Who’s Doing It?
According to an article by Jean Lawrence on WebMD, almost one-third of women between the ages of 40 and 69 are dating men who are 10 or more years younger. And “according to a recent AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) poll, one-sixth of women in their 50s… prefer men in their 40s.”

Oprah did a show about it (“Older Women in Love with Younger Men”), and books have been written extolling its virtues. Susan Winter, who appeared on the above-noted episode, co-authored (with Felicia Brings) the book Older Women, Younger Men: New Options for Love and Romance and is in a long-term relationship with a man 20 years younger than she.

Oprah’s other guests, journalist Lynn Snowden Pickett and her actor-husband Bronson Pickett met when she was 34 and he only 27. They’d been together seven years at the time of the taping. Whereas, Lynn and Eric met when he was a 20-year-old college student and she a 31-year-old divorcee. They’d been together over 10 years when the show aired.

Valerie Gibson, the 60-something author of Cougar: A Guide for Older Women Dating Younger Men, tells us that pursuing and dating younger men is “fun, exciting, stimulating, satisfying, and sexy!” (She should know; her last husband was 14 years younger!)

I work for an upscale matchmaking service and have been told by many women in their 50s, 60s, and even 70s that they have absolutely no interest in dating men their own age and insist on being introduced to younger ones.

In fact, come to think of it, almost every man I’ve ever dated has been younger too (the youngest being 19 when I was 33)! Mind you, I have a youthful look and disposition and have always been drawn to younger guys – and they to me.

So… Is it still Taboo?
Well… there’s definitely a double standard! Older men have been courting younger women since the beginning of time. Young women have been marrying men old enough to be their grandfathers, while the lucky fellows have been cheered on by their peers and given the nod by the rest of society.

But before the advent of Sex and the City or 43-year-old Demi Moore’s highly publicized marriage to 27-year-old Ashton Kucher, the reverse has been generally frowned upon. As enlightened as we are today, many folks still condemn older women for “chasing after” younger men.

“She should be ashamed of herself!” or “cradle robber!” are often whispered behind their backs.

But don’t let the naysayers get you down! If you look good, feel good, are financially and emotionally secure, and aren’t necessarily looking for your soul mate, why not enjoy the benefits of dating a younger man? If you’re vivacious and energetic and find that men your own age or older don’t have the same stamina, then by all means find someone who does!

The Cons
On the other hand, there are bound to be some issues. If you’re a woman in your 40s dating a man in his 20s, chances are your life experiences are radically different. You’ve had a lot more time to accumulate certain kinds of knowledge. Not necessarily book knowledge – but rather, the kind of smarts you can only get from simply living your life. Unless you’ve been living under a rock and he’s been exposed to things beyond his years, your views could very well be worlds apart.

For example, younger men tend to find humor in things that older women might consider silly or immature. Or he may be searching for a spiritual path, whereas you’ve already found yours. Or you like 80’s music and he prefers hip-hop.

Also, if you’re an older woman with adult children, they’ll likely resent you for dating someone the same age or younger than themselves! And if you have teenagers – watch out! They’re sure to be mortified and confused and won’t let you get away with anything!

You could also hit a snag if your younger man wants kids and you’re biological clock has left the building. There’s always a chance he’ll leave you for someone who’s still in her reproductive prime.

Find Your Younger Man Online
As usual, there are websites catering to this particular niche. London-based toyboywarehouse.com, for instance, provides “online dating for gorgeous women and younger men.” Their aim is to “redress the tradition that the man, in a heterosexual relationship, should be older than the woman. There really is no reason why that should still be the case. It’s not about Mrs. Robinson anymore; women have moved on since then, they are independent, know what they want and certainly aren’t desperate.”

Or there’s dateolderwomen.com, “the new meeting place for younger women and older men!” and agematch.com, “the best, largest and most successful inter-generational dating club in the world.”

But as always, beware of con artists. If something seems too good to be true – it probably is.

Just Sex?
According to a November 26, 2007 article by Jeremy Clarke, older white women have joined Kenya’s sex tourists. He interviewed Bethan, 56, and her best friend Allie, 64, who were on their first holiday to Kenya, “a country they say is ‘just full of big young boys who like us older girls.’” The locals estimate that as many as one in five single women visiting from “rich countries” are in search of sex.

So what’s in it for the young men? Well, apparently, they enjoy the gifts. Allie purchased her six-foot-four 23-year-old a pair of sunglasses (among other things, I’m sure). “We both get something we want – where’s the negative?” Allie is quoted as saying.

Well… AIDS for one. If you’re thinking of doing something similar, beware of the risks: the prevalence of AIDS in Kenya is 6.9 percent. Don’t play Russian roulette with your health like some of the women sex tourism writer Julia Davidson has interviewed. She’s met women who “shun condoms – finding them too ‘businesslike’ for their exotic fantasies.”

Now, how insane is that? What ever happened to being older and WISER?

It’s Up to You
Sex tourism aside, if you’re an older woman thinking about dating a younger man, but are too shy (or embarrassed) to give it a whirl – don’t be.

If you already know someone you’d like to date, go ahead and make the first move! If you’re just testing the waters, then join a niche site, ask your friends and family if they know any younger men who like older women, or make your preference known in your current online profile!

As with most things in life, some will criticize you; others will throw you a parade. It’s ultimately your own decision. As long as you’re careful, you should do what feels right and see where it takes you.

Do Long-Distance Relationships Work? December 14, 2007

Posted by Anita in Advice for Men, Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships, Online Dating.
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When it comes to online dating, there’s no doubt about it: never in our planet’s history has it been easier to connect with interesting and compatible people, regardless of where they live.

Before the advent of internet dating, online chat rooms, and social networking sites – only world travelers were afforded such a luxury. The rest of us were limited to meeting folks who lived in the same city, province, or state as ourselves. The average person was dating, and often marrying, his high school sweetheart, the boy or girl next door, someone he met at his place of employment, house of worship, local bar, or through introductions by family members and friends.

But man-oh-man, have things ever changed!

Who’s Doing It?
The Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships (who knew there was such a thing?) estimates that 7 million couples in the United States define their relationships as long distance. This number includes 2.5 to 3 million long-distance marriages and another 3 to 4.5 million long-distance daters.

The Center agrees that online dating “predictably contributes to “coast-to-coast couples” – those who live on opposite ends of the nation and met on the web, but have a real, not just a virtual, relationship.”

It’s Socially Acceptable
With the acceptance of online dating as a perfectly normal and reasonable way to meet potential partners, a long-distance relationship is now looked upon as a “viable alternative” to a traditional one.

According to The Center, “Not only are there more long-distance sparks flying these days, but people are far more likely to fan the flames of these romances rather than assume they would never work.”

How Successful Are They?
I was surprised to learn that “despite what many people believe, LDRs [long-distance relationships] do not break up at any greater rate than more traditional, geographically close couples. Multiple studies comparing LDRs to geographically close couples find the same rates of breaking up over time.”

I would have also thought that trust levels are somewhat compromised when you’re in a long-distance relationship. But according to The Center, “multiple studies have measured relationship quality and compared couples in LDRs to those in geographically close relationships.” The results of these studies show that “couples in LDRs report identical levels of relationship satisfaction, intimacy, trust, and commitment.”

Is it True?
Naturally, statistics are often misleading and can be skewed by:

a) the number of couples interviewed and their enthusiasm for the subject,
b) how long they’ve been in a long-distance relationship,
c) how many were originally geographically close and then separated for some reason (such as military partners who have gone overseas), and
d) how many met online and have been conducting a long-distance romance ever since.

But – no matter how you look at it – clearly, a lot of folks are involved in long-distance relationships and they seem to be flourishing.

Angela and Raymond
Angela, who lives in Toronto, Canada, began a long-distance, “virtual” relationship with Raymond who lived in Arizona. Angela was 63 at the time, and Raymond was 67. Raymond was in declining health and Angela couldn’t afford to travel, so they both knew from the outset they would never meet. But the optimistic couple didn’t let geography stop them. They hit it off and for the next three years, e-mailed each other daily, spoke on the phone several times a week, and exchanged photos, cards, poetry, and gifts. Two years ago Raymond passed away and what came as a complete surprise to Angela was the e-mail she received from Raymond’s ex-wife, Francis. Francis wanted to thank Angela for making the final three years of Raymond’s life his happiest and most content and to let her know that he had died peacefully. Angela feels blessed to have had an online relationship with this man and now, at the age of 68, she is actively seeking another.

Jasmine and Larry
Shoshanna and Larry (both in their mid-20s) met online and dated a couple of times, before realizing they didn’t have that much in common. So Shoshanna decided to play matchmaker and introduced Larry to someone she thought would be more compatible – her best friend Jasmine.

Sure enough, Larry and Jasmine were a terrific match and began dating. However, after seeing each other for about 2 ½ years, Jasmine left the country to go to school. Ironically, although they didn’t initially meet online, Jasmine and Larry are now conducting their relationship in cyber space. But thanks to their webcams, the distance between them is hardly an issue. They continue to spend “quality time” with each other every single night, and their relationship is as strong as ever.

A Word of Caution
Although the stats and anecdotes paint a rosy picture, let’s not forget to be cautious, skeptical, and aware when embarking upon an online relationship – whether long-distance or otherwise.

You’ve heard this before, but it bears repeating:

Do not, under any circumstances, send money to someone you’ve never met or don’t really know. No matter how sincere the person may seem in his or her e-mails, asking you for money should send up a huge red flag! Successful scammers lull their online victims into complacency long before they hit them up for cash. Con artists have been known to groom their marks for months, establishing trust and fishing for information, without ever revealing anything truthful about themselves.

If someone asks you for money, ask yourself why they need to get it from you. There are always other options and you should not be one of them.

But on a positive note: as long as you keep your wits about you and listen to your gut, there’s no reason why a long-distance relationship can’t work for you too. After all, the online-dating world is your oyster. You may as well take full advantage of it, as you travel from sea to shining sea with just a click of your mouse!