Is My Boyfriend Ashamed of Me? December 4, 2007
Posted by Anita in Dating & Relationships, Since You Asked.Tags: Ask Anita, Dating & Relationships, dating advice, dating and relationship advice, life, love, online dating advice, relationship advice, relationships, sex
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Dear Anita:
I’ve been dating “Todd” for eight months now and it’s going great, except for one thing. He hasn’t introduced me to any of his friends or family. There’s a bar in his neighborhood where he normally hangs out, but he won’t take me there. We spend most of our time at my place, and the odd time we do go out, it’s to restaurants and bars in my part of town. He doesn’t want to meet any of my friends either. He says he wants me all to himself and doesn’t want to “complicate” our relationship by bringing others into it. I’m beginning to think he’s ashamed of me or something. What do you think is going on? –Not Good Enough for His Friends
Dear Not Good Enough:
Upon reading your e-mail, a couple of things immediately came to mind. One was an episode of Sex and the City in which a friend of Carrie’s is having the best sex of his life, but feels the woman he’s sleeping with isn’t attractive enough to take out in public. He’s accustomed to dating high-fashion-model types, whereas the woman making him so happy (behind closed doors) is casual, down-to-earth and works in a cheese shop.
Perhaps you’re in a similar situation. Maybe you aren’t what Todd – or his friends and family – consider to be “girlfriend material” and he doesn’t have the guts to admit he’s attracted to someone “different.”
The other possibility is that Todd could be cheating on someone, which would make you, my dear, the “other woman.”
Either way, you have to confront the guy. Telling you he doesn’t want to “complicate” your relationship is a bunch of bull.
He’s hiding something, and it’s time he fessed up to what it is. If he refuses to come clean, then I highly recommend you end the relationship.
No matter how much you like the man, if you had any self-respect, you wouldn’t put up with being hidden away. Which means, you’ll have to ask yourself some tough questions too. Do you have self-esteem issues? Do you secretly believe you’re not good enough? Would you benefit from seeing a therapist?
There are plenty of fish in the sea, NGEFHF. You deserve to be with someone who is proud of you and can’t wait to show you off! Why settle for a man who refuses to make you a real part of his life?
Don’t accept this situation for another second. Take action today.
Anita,
I am in a similar predicament, except my boyfriend has introduced me to his family. But he refuses to introduce me to his friends or refuses to meet mine and to this point refuses to meet my family and we barely go out. He is very over-protective and has very high standards. He says the reason he hasn’t introduced me to his friends is because he doesn’t want to lose his friendships or he doesn’t want the relationship to end. He says this because he is scared his friends will make inappropriate comments or he will interpret my actions as flirting and then would have to end things with me. He is in a bit of a legal mess so he said he didn’t want to meet my family until that was over. For some reason I don’t trust him, when I’ve accused him of being ashamed of me he’s always said I’m wrong, but he refuses to answer the phone or call me when he’s with his friends too.
i have the same problem as both of you. i haven’t met my boyfriends family, except his sister, one time for about a minute but he didn’t introduce me as his girlfriend. part of the problem is that he is technically married even though they split about three years ago. i am technically married still too. i am waiting until its been a full year that i am legally separated so i can get a divorce with no issues.
we have been dating about a year and a half, but i have yet to meet his friends or parents.
he also does not answer or talk to me on the phone when he is with his friends. he says he thinks its rude. it makes me mad b/c i answer and talk when i am with my friends. i trust him but i just think its odd behavior. my boyfriend is also extremely OCD about stuff.
I have a similar problem too we´ve been together for 6 months,
I met his father for 30seconds two months ago and his brother very briefly. Also, I´ve never met ANY of his friends. I don´t know what the problem is. I´m very attractive (been confused for a model), intelligent (made the honour roll at the university), I´m a multi-lingual culture enthusiast that is 98% of the time able to assimilate into any group. I really do not know what the problem is..
By any chance is he Armenian? Their culture is non-tolerant of all other cultures if you´re non-Armenian. It truly is a shame how b&w many cultures are.
maybe the guy is shy, and doesnt have many friends…thus he’s ashamed of that fact and is hiding that. Is he new to the area or works a lot?
My boyfriend and I have a fabulous relationship.. he really loves me and I love him.
I have mentioned several times we should meet his friends/family. I don’t even know what his house looks like! I’m so curious about his life natually, and asked him many times about it but he’s fairly vague, I dont want to push it cos he’s so amazing to me and I dont want to loose him, he’s so giving and sweet and into me, and more importantly faithful. He mentioned he’s me his friends and they’ve seen photos of me and given compliments to him about me. But I still haven’t met them.
He’s met most of my friends now and on Friday I introduced him to my young daughters, a huge step I know, but I thought that it would make him realise he ought to do the same.
I confronted him about meeting his ’side’ on the Friday when we went out, as he had a cousin’d b’day party on the Sat night, which he could have invited me to, he said there were limited tickets but that he did ask for me.
We talked and I did push the point.. in the end he has said that he doesn’t see us having a future together, I think its cos as I have kids, I said I wasnt looking for marriage or for him to move in..
I am soo heartbroken he cried I cried he says still ‘ I love you’ I told him then he should fight for us..to stay together, if he truely loves me.. and I believe he does.
I dont know what to do please someone help, I’m fighting every urge not to call him or txt him.. I’m so upset just crying all the time now..
this all happened this weekend i’m really devastated, He left me saying, ‘ I love you – I will work it out’ – hopefull??
BTW I’m stunning and real head turner, & he’s not ashamed and I ‘ve showed him the messages above, he said this is just his issue he needs to wk on them before he can committ.. – Heartbroken
I totally understand what you ladies are going thru. When I was in college, I started dating this girl and she never introduced me to her family or friends. We would always go out in public, but alone. This went on for , sadly, 9 months. Right before the relationship ended, I had sent her a small easter bunny at her parent’s home (the first time I sent something to her home, rather than to her campus apartment). She was visiting her family for easter. After that, I noticed that she acted reserved, versus before when I got her nice small gifts, she was light up and glow…but those gifts were always sent to her apt, never her home. She then broke up with me and did not even tell me why. We were in similar classes and she would play hot and cold with me. When her “friends” were around, she would pretend she did not know me and would ignore me if I tried to talk to her and when her friends were not around, she would be the one to walk up and start talking to me and was the same woman that I had fallen in love with. She was white and I am not. I asked her on a date once before if she was fine dating a guy that was not her race, as it was a first for her. She said to me she was fine with it. My best friend (a woman I have known for a long time) told me that chances are that I was not “good enough” in her eyes for her circle of friends and family to be her “boyfriend”. This experience and the hurt from it scarred me so badly (because it was my first “real relationship”) and to this day, I have not yet had another long term relationship. It’s been 11 years now since I was in college. After she had hurt me in college, I started taking up weightlifting and became a natural bodybuilder and still workout all the time…I took it personal (at that time) thinking that it was my looks and/or my personality for why she broke up with me just like that out of the blue. She changed me forever. I have had relationships after her, but they were all “physical only”. She was the only “emotional relationship” that I had where I cared for her as a person. I had such deep feelings for her that if she had ever gotten fat and gained weight, I would have still wanted to be with her. That’s how much I cared for her. Even though I got over “her” many years ago…with my series of “physical only flings”, I still can not let my guard down to this day to allow myself or even any other woman to get close to me emotionally. This ex-girlfriend destroyed my self confidence and when I started lifting weights, I found that ALL of the “physical only flings” that I had, were all women who approached me first and showed interest in me first. It was so hard for me to even work up enough nerve to just approach women in a single scene and start talking with them. Part of the reason I moved away from my hometown region many years ago was because of her…I wanted a fresh start in a new area and am very happy with all other aspects of my life. But, she changed me forever by scarring me. I became a person that to this day, is self obsessed with looking as good as I can physically. Many women that I have met now a days just only seem to be interested in my looks. I am now in my later 30s today and still single and still not in any long term relationship. I guess the point that I am trying to make here is that I see alot of ladies who have written about how their boyfriends and/or ex-boyfriends were ashamed of them in some manner and hurt them badly…but there are also some of us guys who also have been through the same thing. To this day, my self confidence still is not what it used to be before I met this woman in college. She scarred me and changed me forever and I have had to live with this everyday since then. Anyway, just wanted to share my story with others here from a man’s perspective as well. Even us men can hurt just as much when a girlfriend has been ashamed to have dated them due to similar reasons that I have seen on this discussion board.
My fiance has friends, but I don’t know them. I’ve introduced my friends to her, and she’s willing to meet them, infact she’s met a few offriends, I asked her about meeting some of her friends, and she says, one day, and she has said that it’s hard to get ahold of some of her friends, but some of them live where we are living in like in the same city.