Why is My Girlfriend Friends with Her Ex? December 8, 2007
Posted by Anita in Dating & Relationships, Since You Asked.Tags: Ask Anita, breaking up, dating, dating advice, dating and relationship advice, ex-boyfriend, friends with ex, jealousy, life, love, relationship advice, relationships, sex
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Dear Anita:
I’ve been dating my girlfriend for eight months. We get along really well and she seems to be into me, except for one thing. She still sees her ex-boyfriend. They were together for three years before she broke up with him. Since he’s not seeing anyone new, he calls her all the time and they get together at least once a week. I’m trying to be open-minded, but I can’t help feeling jealous and left out. In fact, two weeks ago she went to a wedding with him, because he didn’t have a date! I told her how I feel and that I’d prefer she saw less of him. Truthfully, I wish she wouldn’t see him at all! But she says her ex is her “best friend” and he’ll always be part of her life, and if I can’t live with that, then I shouldn’t be dating her. Does this mean she prefers her ex to me? –Can’t Compete
Dear Can’t:
I certainly feel for you. There’s nothing worse than one’s current partner being emotionally attached to his or her ex.
Quite frankly, anyone who refers to their ex as their “best friend” isn’t ready to be in a new relationship. It certainly isn’t fair to you and truly, it isn’t fair to her ex either. How motivated will he be to find somebody new, when he can see your girlfriend any old time he wants? In fact, their relationship hasn’t really changed at all, except for the fact that they’re (hopefully) no longer sleeping together. In other words, for all intents and purposes, they haven’t actually broken up.
She’s likely keeping both of you in her life because she’s insecure. If things don’t work out with you, she’s always got him waiting in the wings. And yet, she’s sabotaging her relationship with you by claiming her relationship with him is more important – which is selfish and insensitive. She may not actually prefer her ex to you, but unless or until she’s ready to let him go, you’ll always be playing second fiddle.
To be honest, I was in a similar situation back in the day. When I broke up with my first husband, we continued to see each other as “friends” for about a year afterward. I was dating a lot, but not seeing anyone special, and he wasn’t dating at all. So at first, our “friendship” didn’t interfere with other aspects of our lives – until he met someone new. His girlfriend insisted he stop seeing me, and – just like that – he did. He cut me off completely. Even though I’m the one who ended the marriage, I was extremely hurt by this sudden turn of events. But after some serious soul searching, I came to realize I was just trying to “have my cake and eat it too.”
The bottom line? You deserve better. You’ll never be happy with the way things are, and she’ll never give you her full attention as long as her ex is in her life. If she won’t stop seeing him, then call her bluff and end the relationship. Tell her she’s obviously not emotionally ready to love you fully and completely, and you’re not willing to hang around while she’s sorting things out.
She may see the light, or she may not. But you, CC, have to take care of yourself.
but what if you realy feel like you love this girl and dont want it to end, im in a simular situation and cant seem to make sense of it, i need help also someone pleese email me some advice, is there anything else i can do, or say, wat is the posibility that she is sleeping with him???
My boyfriend keeps telling me i’m the best girl to ever come into his life. that’s great it makes me happy. This is the first guy i’ve truly cared about and makes me happy inawhile. However there are a few things that seem to bother me. I’ve tried to be understanding about the ex situation. This is my first encounter with someone with an ex (strange I know) so I try to reason things out and be level headed. It bothered me that he had to give her rides all the time because she can’t drive. But I let it go because I understand he did that while they were together and she can’t just not go anywhere anymore because I’m in the picture. It just crossed a line when we drove together one day and then he wanted me to hitch a ride back and wait for him at a store while he took her home. But that situation was settled (sort of). Then we were okay…so we continued on in our bliss. One day we even redecorated his entire place. One item we re-did was a bookshelf. I took it upon myself to unpack boxes and found old pictures from his past of different people. It was difficult enough for me to put picutres of his old-sweetheart but i accepted it and said it’s all part of the past and the memories. They were prom pictures no big deal. that was maybe a month ago. but then a few days ago i come over and stay the night. I wake up the next morning and out of the corner of my eye i notice there’s something new on the bookshelf. It’s a really neat picture frame that fits about 8 pictures. Now at the time i’m just waking up and I have bad vision so I can’t really see what the pictures are of. Then I get ready and I’m curious and I make my way over to the bookcase to admire the new addition. Well, my mistake, they’re all of his ex-girlfriend and him. Memories, the cutest pictures of when they were together. oh and when they weren’t. There are also recent pictures of them so I know that this is a new thing. I’m pretty sure it was a Christmas present but how could he put it up? What am I suppose to do? I tried to let him know it bothers me and he answered with the you are the best girl…but if so why is it still up? why is it that every morning i wake up here I have to see them? Did he not consider my feelings? Did he think it would be okay?
I will be answering both youngstud and Refuses to Compete;
both of you need to drop your ex girlfriend and boyfriend and run. You are supposed to be number one in your partners life. when your partner hangs out with an ex she or he still has a thing for each other and are or will be eventually sleeping together. I know it hurts but dump these loosers, or keep lying to yourself and say its ok.