Ask Anita

Dear Anita:
I’ve been tooling around the internet and looking at various online dating sites. I’ve also seen ads in the paper, commercials on TV, and received flyers in the mail for both “dating” services and “matchmaking” services. What’s the difference between online dating and the others? –Bewildered

Dear Bewildered:

Dating can be confusing at the best of times. So it’s important to do your homework before you become a member of any dating service – whether it be online or off.

Online Dating Sites: Most online dating sites operate under the same premise: You register, come up with a clever alias or user ID, post a profile, and browse. If you see someone you like, you contact them – and vice versa. Most provide multiple choice questions and fill-in-the-blanks forms to help you showcase your best features and clarify what you’re looking for in a potential date. But you still have to write something in your own words. Naturally, you can update your profile and change your answers at any time.

Many sites also offer forums where you can converse with fellow daters (both male and female) as friends and increase your visibility on the site. Some sites are 100% free, whereas others have relatively inexpensive membership fees. The ones who charge more generally offer additional services, such as personality tests, newsletters, dating advice, weekly e-mails (advising you of new members who match your criteria), and so on. The paying sites operate under various business models. Some are free until you wish to contact someone; some sell credits; others charge flat fees. Still others offer a number of payment/membership options such as joining for three months, six months, or one year.

Others also offer category options, such as: “just friends,” “dating,” “long-term relationships,” and “intimate encounters.”

And then, of course, you have the niche sites for folks who are very specific about who they want to date. From dog lovers, to Christians, to bikers, to golfers, to Latinos, to millionaires. The list is endless! You want it, you can probably find it.

Finally, the best thing about online dating is that you are in control. You can join as many sites as you can afford. You can visit as often as you wish and contact anyone you want. You can hide your profile or ensure everyone sees it. You can reveal your online status or keep that information to yourself. In other words, you can do whatever works best for you.

Offline Dating Services: These types of services are limited only by the imagination of the owners. Whether it be speed dating, services that set up one-on-one lunches or dinners with groups of like-minded singles, singles dances or adventure tours – there’s no shortage of interesting options. If you’re a social butterfly, you should definitely try a few of these. Prices are generally reasonable, considering you’re getting food and drinks, an afternoon or a night out, and in the case of the adventure tours, an exciting excursion.

Voice Personals: For voice personals, you create a voice profile and set up a voicemail box with the dating service. Sometimes your profile is published in the newspaper and/or online. Special interactive voice response (IVR) technology allows you to talk to people without ever revealing your actual phone number. You simply call a number and listen to greetings. You can leave a message and if the person is interested, they can call you back through the IVR service. You can also request a private, live conversation.

Chat lines are always in real time. You call a number, listen to the greetings, and you’re instantly connected with the person you’ve selected. But a word of caution: Don’t confuse chat lines with 1-900 phone-sex lines, where you pay by the minute to “talk dirty.”

Matchmaking Services: These are typically high-end services, geared toward busy professionals who either don’t have time to search for dates themselves, or would rather have someone else do it for them. You meet with a “relationship consultant” to discuss your wants and needs, and together you determine what kind of person you’d like to meet.

Some services will take your picture and keep it on file, but won’t allow other members to see it. Whereas, others, like video-dating services, are just the opposite.

Matchmaking services are usually very expensive and you will have to sign a contract.

Things to Consider Before Joining

In most jurisdictions, dating services are not regulated by law. So you must exercise caution, good judgment, and common sense. If you are being pressured to sign a contract – walk away. You can always come back when you’re sure. If you think you’re sure, read the contract carefully and ask questions before you sign, such as:

1. How long have you been in business?
2. How many active members do you have?
3. What is the ratio of men to women?
4. How many of them are in my geographical area?
5. How long will it take for me to meet someone compatible?
6. How often will I be going on dates?
7. What is your success rate and how do you measure it?
8. Is the contract renewable?
9. Are there annual fees or any other costs?
10. Do you give refunds, if I’m not satisfied?

If you have some disposable income and investing a few thousand dollars in a matchmaking service is something you won’t regret – even if you don’t meet your life partner - then, by all means, go for it. You never know what could happen.

But, like anything else, it doesn’t work for everybody. And, in my opinion, the more money you spend, the more disappointed you’ll be if you don’t meet someone compatible. So the old adage “buyer beware” certainly applies here.

If you’re confused by the language in the contract, take it home and show it to a lawyer (or a wise friend) before making a commitment.

When you do sign a contract, some consumer protection laws provide a “cooling off” period of five to ten days, allowing you to cancel if you change your mind. However, if your province or state does not provide such protection, some places have another law which addresses unfair business practices, such as misrepresentation and deception in promotions and sales pitches.

If you can show you’ve been the victim of misrepresentation or deception, you usually have up to one year to cancel the contract and get your money back. One way to do this is by sending the seller a registered letter. If that doesn’t work, you should contact an attorney or your local Consumer Services Bureau for assistance and advice.

For more information, please see my post: “Weeding Out the Bad: Online Dating Sites to Avoid”