Ask Anita

Are older women dating (and marrying) younger men? You bet they are!

Hollywood darlings Demi Moore, Susan Sarandon, Courtney Cox Arquette, Cameron Diaz, Madonna, Halle Berry, Goldie Hawn, Kim Cattrall and her fictitious counterpart (Sex and the City’s gorgeous, free-spirited, forty-something Samantha Jones) may get all the press, but you don’t have to be a famous celebrity to reap the rewards of dating (or marrying) a younger man.

Sexy, smart, and accomplished women, the world over, are finding lasting love and fulfillment with good men who are many years their junior.

Who’s Doing It?
According to an article by Jean Lawrence on WebMD, almost one-third of women between the ages of 40 and 69 are dating men who are 10 or more years younger. And “according to a recent AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) poll, one-sixth of women in their 50s… prefer men in their 40s.”

Oprah did a show about it (“Older Women in Love with Younger Men”), and books have been written extolling its virtues. Susan Winter, who appeared on the above-noted episode, co-authored (with Felicia Brings) the book Older Women, Younger Men: New Options for Love and Romance and is in a long-term relationship with a man 20 years younger than she.

Oprah’s other guests, journalist Lynn Snowden Pickett and her actor-husband Bronson Pickett met when she was 34 and he only 27. They’d been together seven years at the time of the taping. Whereas, Lynn and Eric met when he was a 20-year-old college student and she a 31-year-old divorcee. They’d been together over 10 years when the show aired.

Valerie Gibson, the 60-something author of Cougar: A Guide for Older Women Dating Younger Men, tells us that pursuing and dating younger men is “fun, exciting, stimulating, satisfying, and sexy!” (She should know; her last husband was 14 years younger!)

I work for an upscale matchmaking service and have been told by many women in their 50s, 60s, and even 70s that they have absolutely no interest in dating men their own age and insist on being introduced to younger ones.

In fact, come to think of it, almost every man I’ve ever dated has been younger too (the youngest being 19 when I was 33)! Mind you, I have a youthful look and disposition and have always been drawn to younger guys – and they to me.

So… Is it still Taboo?
Well… there’s definitely a double standard! Older men have been courting younger women since the beginning of time. Young women have been marrying men old enough to be their grandfathers, while the lucky fellows have been cheered on by their peers and given the nod by the rest of society.

But before the advent of Sex and the City or 43-year-old Demi Moore’s highly publicized marriage to 27-year-old Ashton Kucher, the reverse has been generally frowned upon. As enlightened as we are today, many folks still condemn older women for “chasing after” younger men.

“She should be ashamed of herself!” or “cradle robber!” are often whispered behind their backs.

But don’t let the naysayers get you down! If you look good, feel good, are financially and emotionally secure, and aren’t necessarily looking for your soul mate, why not enjoy the benefits of dating a younger man? If you’re vivacious and energetic and find that men your own age or older don’t have the same stamina, then by all means find someone who does!

The Cons
On the other hand, there are bound to be some issues. If you’re a woman in your 40s dating a man in his 20s, chances are your life experiences are radically different. You’ve had a lot more time to accumulate certain kinds of knowledge. Not necessarily book knowledge – but rather, the kind of smarts you can only get from simply living your life. Unless you’ve been living under a rock and he’s been exposed to things beyond his years, your views could very well be worlds apart.

For example, younger men tend to find humor in things that older women might consider silly or immature. Or he may be searching for a spiritual path, whereas you’ve already found yours. Or you like 80’s music and he prefers hip-hop.

Also, if you’re an older woman with adult children, they’ll likely resent you for dating someone the same age or younger than themselves! And if you have teenagers – watch out! They’re sure to be mortified and confused and won’t let you get away with anything!

You could also hit a snag if your younger man wants kids and you’re biological clock has left the building. There’s always a chance he’ll leave you for someone who’s still in her reproductive prime.

Find Your Younger Man Online
As usual, there are websites catering to this particular niche. London-based toyboywarehouse.com, for instance, provides “online dating for gorgeous women and younger men.” Their aim is to “redress the tradition that the man, in a heterosexual relationship, should be older than the woman. There really is no reason why that should still be the case. It’s not about Mrs. Robinson anymore; women have moved on since then, they are independent, know what they want and certainly aren’t desperate.”

Or there’s dateolderwomen.com, “the new meeting place for younger women and older men!” and agematch.com, “the best, largest and most successful inter-generational dating club in the world.”

But as always, beware of con artists. If something seems too good to be true – it probably is.

Just Sex?
According to a November 26, 2007 article by Jeremy Clarke, older white women have joined Kenya’s sex tourists. He interviewed Bethan, 56, and her best friend Allie, 64, who were on their first holiday to Kenya, “a country they say is ‘just full of big young boys who like us older girls.’” The locals estimate that as many as one in five single women visiting from “rich countries” are in search of sex.

So what’s in it for the young men? Well, apparently, they enjoy the gifts. Allie purchased her six-foot-four 23-year-old a pair of sunglasses (among other things, I’m sure). “We both get something we want – where’s the negative?” Allie is quoted as saying.

Well… AIDS for one. If you’re thinking of doing something similar, beware of the risks: the prevalence of AIDS in Kenya is 6.9 percent. Don’t play Russian roulette with your health like some of the women sex tourism writer Julia Davidson has interviewed. She’s met women who “shun condoms – finding them too ‘businesslike’ for their exotic fantasies.”

Now, how insane is that? What ever happened to being older and WISER?

It’s Up to You
Sex tourism aside, if you’re an older woman thinking about dating a younger man, but are too shy (or embarrassed) to give it a whirl – don’t be.

If you already know someone you’d like to date, go ahead and make the first move! If you’re just testing the waters, then join a niche site, ask your friends and family if they know any younger men who like older women, or make your preference known in your current online profile!

As with most things in life, some will criticize you; others will throw you a parade. It’s ultimately your own decision. As long as you’re careful, you should do what feels right and see where it takes you.