Ask Anita

When men attempt bold gestures, generally it’s considered romantic. When women do it, it’s often considered desperate or psycho. -Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

It just so happens I know a bunch of opinionated single guys who aren’t afraid to express how they feel about the women they date. So to all you heterosexual women out there: believe me when I tell you, if there’s one thing guys absolutely can’t stand – it’s needy, clingy, desperate-seeming women.

Ziggy and Sheila
Take my pal Ziggy (not his real name). He’s 26 and recently began seeing a 32-year-old woman, I’ll call Sheila.

They slept together within hours of their first meeting, and just as quickly, Sheila turned into, what can only be described as, a stalker. Ziggy’s friends refer to her as “The Psycho.”

Sheila calls Ziggy numerous times a day, sometimes at 4:00 in the morning when the poor boy is trying to sleep. It’s been less than two months, but Sheila believes she’s head-over-heels in love.

Ziggy’s friends think Sheila’s confusing “love” with the thrill of being with a younger man. I think her issues are more serious than that.

Unfortunately, Ziggy is too nice of a guy to tell her to back off. He’s also chicken! He puts up with her pesky phone calls during the week, sees her on weekends, and then bad-mouths her to his friends when she’s not around.

Everyone’s telling Ziggy to cut her loose, but he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. At least that’s what he says. Personally, I think he’s afraid of what she might do. After all, the wrath of an unbalanced woman is not a pretty sight.

Lorne and Brianna
Then we have my buddy, 52-year-old Lorne (not his real name). Another nice guy, who doesn’t have the guts to be honest with his 35-year-old girlfriend, Brianna (not her real name, either).

Before meeting Brianna, Lorne had been dating various women in their mid-to-late forties and wasn’t satisfied with any of them. So when Brianna asked him out, he was thrilled that a younger woman would be interested in an “old guy” like him. Not to mention, an extremely attractive younger woman!

But the novelty is quickly wearing thin. They’ve been seeing each other for about three months now, and like Sheila, Brianna has become clingy, needy, and annoying. She calls Lorne daily, and shows up on his doorstep almost every night.

Lorne was married for 20 years, has three adult children, and has no interest in tying the knot ever again. Nor does he wish to live with anyone. He’s set in his ways and enjoys living alone.

Regrettably, he’s not being entirely honest with Brianna. He has no desire to make their relationship permanent, butbeing a typical guy, he’s neglected to mention it. Why? Because he’s thoroughly enjoying the regular sex.

He also detests confrontation. Whenever Brianna brings up their future together, Lorne changes the subject. He’d rather avoid the issue than deal with the discomfort of discussing it.

Brianna thinks they have an exclusive relationship. (Lorne, on the other hand, is not what you’d call “faithful.”) Brianna’s constantly telling Lorne she loves him, which makes him extremely uncomfortable. And to make matters worse, although Lorne had no intention of reciprocating the sentiment, he accidentally responded with “I love you too,” after a night of passion and a few too many brewskies.

The fact is, he’s not even sure he likes her anymore. So while Brianna is conjuring up ways to make Lorne a permanent fixture in her life, he’s trying to find the courage to break it off.

Do You Recognize Yourself?
So how needy are you? Are you “in love” with someone who doesn’t feel the same way? Are you possessive and in the guy’s face 24/7?

If you haven’t already gone too far, this would be a good time to tone it all down. If the damage hasn’t already been done, back off now, and give the guy a chance to pursue you at his own pace. If you’re meant to be together, taking it slow will make your journey to forever so much more enjoyable!

I know a lot about guys – from years of dating and from listening to my male friends. So trust me when I tell you: most men don’t want to hear the “L” word anytime soon. It’s just too much pressure. I’d wait a good four to six months before saying it out loud (longer if possible). Granted, there are some exceptions, but don’t assume your guy is one of them.

Needy women tend to drive sane men away. And desperation is not attractive.

If Sheila and Brianna had just relaxed a little, they wouldn’t have placed their boyfriends in the predicaments they are now in. If they had only played it cool and given the guys some space, Ziggy and Lorne wouldn’t be brainstorming ways to get rid of them.

Love Yourself
Sheila and Brianna likely suffer from low self-esteem and are seeking validation from the men they date. Rather than latching onto unsuspecting guys, they’d be better off learning how to love themselves first.

If you suffer from similar issues and can’t seem to control yourself, it wouldn’t hurt to get some help from a qualified therapist.

Remember ladies: When you’re comfortable in your own skin, you’ll be much more fun to be around. You won’t be oozing desperation and you’ll attract the kind of man you really want – the kind of man who can’t wait to see you again and who truly wants to commit.

So ease up, slow down, get a life, and, if you play your cards right, perhaps Mr. Wonderful will actually enjoy being with you and won’t be battling the urge to run.