Ask Anita

Dear Anita:
I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for a few months now, and most everything is great. The only problem revolves around her severe phobia of PDA. I’m not a fan of PDA myself, but she goes to the point where she will look around for cameras in elevators before kissing me or just not show any physical display of affection anywhere, if she thinks there is a remote chance that someone will see us. She says she doesn’t like making people feel uncomfortable. She says she has been like that with all of her past boyfriends and even told me that she referred to her last ex of 5 years as “her friend” when people would ask, “Who is the guy with you in the picture?” Another example is when a coworker at the office asks who the flowers are from, she will say “from a friend.” In my opinion, she has a serious problem; this is by no means normal. I psychoanalyzed her and confronted her with the accusation of being “afraid of commitment.” She denied that this was the issue. She seems very committed to me, so it’s confusing trying to figure out what is going on in her mind. She is very caring, showers me in love, and always wants to be with me; I just don’t understand her thought process. I know you might suggest that she is not ready to be committed to someone and that I should drop her, but in my opinion you can never date someone who is 100% perfect. There are always a few things you don’t like about the person. Most everything about her I do like. To find another girl who meets my high standards is relatively easy, I’m an attractive young man, but I like this one a lot . Please help me figure out this crazy woman. –Need Some Recognition

Dear Need Some:

Let me begin by saying, this is not an easy question. Without actually seeing your girlfriend in action and watching her facial expressions and body language, it’s difficult to evaluate what could be going on in her mind.

But here’s what I think:

On the surface, it does appear she is afraid of commitment. But considering she was involved with another man for five years and displayed the same sort of “phobic” behavior, one would have to assume there is a deeper explanation.

Since she’s overly concerned about public displays of affection, it’s possible she’s simply shy and introverted or was raised in an environment where PDA is considered taboo or highly inappropriate, possibly for cultural or religious reasons.

Do you know anything about her home life? Could this be the case?

She is also, seemingly, ashamed of your relationship. It’s certainly disturbing that when asked directly, she will not admit to having a boyfriend. And of course, avoiding public displays of affection is a huge part of this.

So if we rule out an oppressive upbringing, what else could possibly be going on with her?

Perhaps she’s still playing the field. This is not to say she’s afraid of commitment, but rather simply not ready for it – at least not with you. All this subterfuge and denial could be her, rather dishonest, way of keeping her options open.

God knows, I used to do that.

Back in the day, I dated and slept with many a fellow, each one believing he was my boyfriend at the time. But whenever anyone asked, I’d say, “Oh, he’s not my boyfriend, just some guy I hang out with.”

Why?

Because I knew in my heart that none of these guys was “the one,” and I wanted to be sure I didn’t miss any new opportunities by admitting to a relationship with any of the “in the meantime” guys. (A horrible thing to do, I know. But we all make mistakes and hopefully, learn from them.)

Another possibility could be her sexual orientation. Is she perhaps an in-the-closet lesbian? How sexual is she behind closed doors? Is there any indication she may not be fully attracted to you?

A third scenario could be an unreasonable desire to please family and friends. For instance, I know a woman who tends to date the kind of men others believe are inappropriate for her. So rather than defend her choices, she’s extremely secretive whenever she’s seeing someone.

And like your GF, she avoids PDA and lies whenever anyone asks, “So who’s that guy you were with?”

“We’re just friends,” is always her response – even though we all know better.

Chances are your girlfriend will not be honest with you, even if you ask her if any of these scenarios might be true. But you never know.

On the other hand, she may not even know what’s motivating her to be this way. Perhaps she needs to work through some deep-rooted issues with a therapist.

But either way, you should point out to her that her behavior is illogical. If she’s so worried about making others feel “uncomfortable,” why isn’t she applying the same standards to your discomfort?

Doesn’t she realize it hurts your feelings when she denies being in a relationship with you or won’t show even the slightest bit of affection toward you in public?

I agree, you’ll never date someone who is 100% perfect. But at the very least, you should be dating someone who acknowledges your existence.

Having said that, you’ve been dating this woman for only a few months, so it is possible things could turn themselves around. But if they don’t, you’ll begin resenting her “phobic” behavior and eventually, the woman herself.

I’m not advising you to break up with her, but since this situation is bothering you so much, you do need to get to the bottom of it or you won’t be happy.

And if you’re not happy, your relationship won’t survive.