Ask Anita

Dear Anita:
I got into a long distance relationship about seven months ago with a girl who is two years my junior and is still in college. We got together in the summer, and when she went back to school, she decided to live with her ex-boyfriend who she just recently broke up with. I, of course, was uncomfortable with this and expressed that to her. The two of them live in a two-story condo and spend a significant amount of time together. When his family comes into town, they always take them both out to eat, as if they were still a couple. She reassures me that I have nothing to worry about because he is more like a brother now, but it still bothers me very much. The worst part is, even after she has seen the strain this imposed on our relationship, she already decided to live with him for another year. I don’t think she would ever cheat on me with him, but I’m constantly bothered by the whole situation. What do you think about all that and what should I do? –Feeling Stressed

Dear FS:

Whenever I hear that someone is in a long-distance relationship, it automatically raises a red flag. Add to the mix a still-in-the-picture-ex-boyfriend, and two flags go up.

Although it is possible to remain on good terms with an ex, it’s baffling to me why anyone would voluntarily choose to live with one – especially when one is purportedly in a relationship with someone else.

A hidden agenda perhaps?

Does she not have any female friends with whom she can share accommodations?

Although it doesn’t change the situation, it would interest me to know who broke up with whom? Was it mutual? Did he dump her? Did she dump him? How long were they together before they split? What was the reason for their break-up?

The answers to these questions could shed some light on her state of mind.

However, regardless of her reasoning, she is, nevertheless, being extremely selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings. Choosing to live with her ex for yet another year, when she is fully aware of the strain her living arrangements are placing on you, shows a lack of empathy and respect.

I assume you’ve already asked her how she would feel if you moved in with your ex or spent time with another woman on a daily basis. If you haven’t, you should ask her to give some serious thought to that. After all, “what’s good for the goose” should be “good for the gander,” no?

Since your relationship is long distance, it’s impossible for you to know what’s really going on between your girlfriend and the man she’s living with. Mind you, even people who live in the same city can get away with cheating if they really want to.

So you have to ask yourself how much stress and uncertainty you’re prepared to tolerate for this woman. Is she really worth all this anxiety?

I’m willing to bet she’s not losing any sleep over you.

And by the way, none of my exes (and I’ve had many) have ever felt like a “brother” to me after we broke up, even if we did remain friendly afterwards.

Heck, even her own family isn’t taking the “break-up” seriously. What does that tell you?

My advice to you, FS, is this: If you’re looking for a long term, monogamous relationship, I strongly suggest you look closer to home. It may be a cliché, but it’s absolutely true: there are “plenty of fish in the sea.” There’s absolutely no reason for you to be dating someone whose behavior is making you feel that uncomfortable. It’s simply not healthy.

And truth be told, you’re not really “dating,” nor do you have much of a “relationship,” if you’re not seeing each other on a regular basis.

You’re obviously a thoughtful and articulate young man. You deserve better, and there are many women out there who would be lucky to have you.

As it stands now, your relationship is not working. I would suggest you let her go, sow some wild oats, and get on with your life.

What’s that old saying? “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.”

Good luck.