Ask Anita

Dear Anita:
I’ll be 51 this year and I’m newly separated. This is my third marriage, lasting less than two years. I have been extremely depressed and I’m having health problems. My soon-to-be-ex is 63, and I think he married me out of loneliness and to anger his eldest daughter – a 30-year-old doctor. He dotes on her, but she hates him. She also began to hate me when I stood up to her about her criticism of us. I need help moving on, since this marriage has wounded me and the trust issue is terrible, as he told his daughter all of my secrets. I believe he’s in love with her, and she has yet to date. I am angry at myself for not seeing this. Thanks for any help you can give me. –Three Times A Fool

Dear TTAF:
Let me begin by saying, I understand your pain and I strongly encourage you to speak to your family doctor, who can help you deal with your physical problems, and if necessary, refer you to a therapist for your anger and depression. There’s no need for you to be dealing with this alone, when help is just a phone call away.

In the meantime, here’s my two cents…

As someone who’s “been there, done that,” I can certainly empathize with your situation. Heck my second marriage was over after only six months, and most of my other “long-term” relationships ended at the two-year mark. So girlfriend, we’ve got a lot in common.

I’d be interested in knowing who ended each relationship, particularly marriage number three. It would also be helpful to know a) how long you knew your current husband before tying the knot, b) what attracted you to him, and c) why you chose to marry him.

You say your soon-to-be-ex likely married you out of loneliness. This is quite common – usually among older folks who are widowed and looking for companionship in their old age. Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn’t; it depends on the expectations of both parties. But I wouldn’t recommend marrying anyone for that reason. If you don’t like being alone, get a roommate.

However, what’s disturbing is you think he also married you to anger his daughter. You say, “he’s in love with her” and “she has yet to date.” Perhaps I’m misreading between the lines, but the euphemisms you’re using here suggest to me he may have sexually abused his daughter and continues to have inappropriate feelings for her. This might explain why she “hates” her father and why – at the age of 30 – she hasn’t ever been on a date.

You say he’s told his daughter all of your “secrets.” I wouldn’t stress too much over this. If she truly hates the man, I’m sure she has little interest in anything he has to say. And if she doesn’t like you either, chances are she doesn’t give a rat’s ass about your secrets. Obviously, the man cannot be trusted to keep a confidence, and if he’s an abuser, you’re lucky to be rid of him.

What you need to do is seriously evaluate why you continue to make inappropriate choices. And before getting too deeply involved with someone, listen to your gut and keep an eye out for red flags. There are always signs when someone is wrong for you; your job is to pay attention to them. Most importantly, you have to stop getting married. Obviously, this is not something that’s working for you. A healthy relationship is a partnership of mutual respect, admiration, friendship, trust, emotional support, common values and goals, and of course, love. One must be of healthy mind and spirit before embarking upon an everlasting journey with another person.

It’s perfectly natural to be angry at yourself for not seeing the situation for what it was. But there’s no point in beating yourself up over it now. What’s done is done. You’re only human and all humans make mistakes. Your goal is to learn from your errors in judgment and try to do better next time.

To quote Maya Angelou, “When you know better; you do better.”

Now, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and give yourself a hug. All is not lost. You’re only 51, after all. You’ve got plenty of time to figure out what you’ve been doing wrong and to, eventually, get it right. (I’m living proof of that.)