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Think Positive! Confidence-Building Affirmations to Help You Get Back Into the Dating Game May 28, 2008

Posted by Anita in Advice for Men, Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships, Online Dating.
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Fear is a habit; so is self-pity, defeat, anxiety, despair, hopelessness and resignation. You can eliminate all of these negative habits with two simple resolves: I CAN and I WILL.–Author Unknown 
 
In my response to Just Wondering (Don’t Wait; It’s Okay to Date: Advice for Single Parents), I suggested that some single parents who’ve been out of the dating game for awhile may be afraid to date because they’re not sure they ”know how” – which really means they don’t feel all that confident.

This can be true for anyone (single parent, or just single) who’s ended a long-term relationship and is feeling less than great about themselves and their dating future.

Internet dating is a fantastic way to ease back into dating without a lot of pressure. However, if you are feeling too timid to try internet dating (or any kind of dating, for that matter) a little positive self-talk can go a long way in giving you that pat on the back – or kick in the butt – you need to get motivated.

“Beyond Positive Thinking, is Positive Believing”
Positive affirmations may seem a little cheesy at first, but honestly, they can work if you give them half a chance. After all, experts agree our mind is simply a sponge that believes anything we tell it.

If you think negatively, you’ll feel bad; if you fuel your brain with positive thoughts, you’ll (eventually) feel good.

According to Dr. Robert Anthony, author of Beyond Positive Thinking: A No Nonsense Formula for Getting the Results You Want, “All our experiences have led us to believe certain things about ourselves. Whether these beliefs are true or not really doesn’t matter, because if we accept them as true, then they are true for us.”

“I Think, Therefore I Am”
Since you are only limited by your own mind, positive affirmations can do wonders for your self-esteem and help build your dating confidence.

Even if these statements don’t feel “true” at first, with a little practice and repetition, you’ll begin to notice positive changes in the way you feel about yourself and view your world.

Here are some examples of things you can say:
• I am confident.
• I deserve love, happiness and success.
• I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.
• I am responsible for my own attitude.
• I love myself and am in charge of my own happiness.
• The Universe supports my every effort.
• I am surrounded by loving, caring people in my life.
• I am free to be myself.
• I love myself for who I am.
• My possibilities are endless.

Positive affirmations can be as individual as you are. Using the above list as a starting point, feel free to make up your own. Personalize them and say them to yourself every day.

When you banish those negative thoughts from your head and let the positive ones take over, you’ll be a dating dynamo in no time!

Or alternately, in the words of Susan Jeffers, PhD: “Feel the fear, and do it anyway.”

“A Human Desire:” Pregnant Man to Give Birth in Six Weeks May 20, 2008

Posted by Anita in Advice for GLBT, Dating & Relationships, Miscellaneous.
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Thirty-four-year-old Thomas Beatie of Bend, Oregon, USA, is wearing a t-shirt that says, “Define Normal.”

The married—and very pregnant—transsexual quips, “unfortunately there is no such thing as man-ternity clothes.”

I first wrote about Mr. Beatie over at my other blog, “Was That My Outside Voice.”

 Yes, some folks are shocked, others repulsed, and some simply curious.

But Thomas and his 45-year-old wife, Nancy, are “deeply in love.”

“I am stable and confident being the man that I am,” he says.

Ironically, Mr. Beatie—who was born a woman named Tracy LaGondino—was once a Hawaiian beauty queen!

He had a partial sex change 10 years ago, received hormone treatment, and had his breasts removed. But, because his wife had a hysterectomy, he kept his female reproductive organs so they could have children together.

To become pregnant, he stopped taking his testosterone injections and was inseminated with an anonymous donor’s sperm.

Nancy has two adult daughters from a previous relationship.

Thomas said: “Wanting to have a biological child is neither a male nor female desire—but a human desire. I will be my daughter’s father, and Nancy, her mother. We will be a family.”

Obviously, Mr. Beatie, who is now legally male, won’t be able to breastfeed the baby.

[story + photo of Thomas & Nancy at home: the mirror.co.uk ]
[Mr. Beatie/Tracy LaGondino before his/her sex change: stupidcelebrities.net]
[Thomas & Nancy on Oprah: abcnews.go.com]

UPDATE:
My post was originally called “World’s First Pregnant Man…,” but I’ve since discovered that Mr. Beatie is NOT, in fact, the first.

According to the Daily Express, “Dylan” of Germany, who gave birth over 10 years ago, is.

Dylan, who was the eldest of three girls, always wanted to be a boy. But, as a child, he was “ruled by the beliefs of his engineer father and teacher mother, who banned television and even newspapers to protect the children from ‘corrupting influences’.”

“He hated being forced into girls’ clothes, and would have a tantrum if he was made to wear a dress.”

Luckily, he escaped his oppressive environment and is now living the life he always dreamed of.

Help! I’m Confused About My Sexuality! May 19, 2008

Posted by Anita in Advice for GLBT, Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships, Since You Asked.
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Dear Anita:
I’ve always wondered about my sexuality. There’s a new girl at my work place, who’s quiet and eats by herself most of the time—kind of like my personality. We actually have a lot in common, it seems, and now I’m not the only “quiet girl” at the office. When I first saw her, I thought she was pretty, then I was clouded by jealousy, because I can’t have “competition.” But after hearing people gossip about her, I felt sorry for her. So, I thought maybe I should be friends with her. My question is this: If I sincerely want to be friends with this girl, why is it that whenever she’s around me I feel tingles and butterflies in my stomach? I’m wondering whether I expect something more than a friendship here. I sometimes catch her stealing glances my way, and I like that attention from her. I am so confused; any advice would be great. Thank you. –Very Confused Girl

Dear VCG:

The reason so many people are confused about their sexuality, is because, for generations, we’ve been conned into believing there’s something wrong with us if we happen to be attracted to members of our own sex.

Stereotypes, misinformation, homophobia, and religious intolerance (especially religious intolerance!) have all contributed to this confusion and self-doubt.

The fact is, we’re all sexual beings.

If you feel predominantly straight but sometimes feel attracted to women, don’t worry about it. You’re completely normal! You’re human!

Alternately, if you find yourself attracted to women more frequently than to men, that’s okay too!

Dr. Alfred Kinsey developed a scale back in 1948—and modern researchers have since concurred—that sexual orientation is NOT an either/or issue. People are NOT simply heterosexual or homosexual.

In other words, most of us are bisexual, to a greater or lesser degree.

The Kinsey Scale runs from 0 to 6, as follows:

0 Exclusively heterosexual
1 Predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3 Equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5 Predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 Exclusively homosexual

An individual’s ranking on the scale is determined by his or her fantasies, thoughts, dreams, emotional feelings, and frequency of sexual activity.

So folks who consider themselves straight would actually fall somewhere between 0-3, depending on how often (if ever) they think, dream, or fantasize about sexual activities with members of the same sex, and/or act on those feelings.

If you’re feeling “tingles and butterflies” around this girl at your work place, no doubt, you’ve got a crush on her.

The only question is whether she feels the same way about you.

The first thing you need to do is strike up a conversation with her. Make her feel welcome and see if you do, in fact, become friends.

If she has a crush on you too, it should become apparent soon enough.

But if you’re not sure, depending on how open and honest you want to be, you could always broach the subject of sexuality in a general way. You don’t have to specifically discuss your personal feelings toward her; just find out what her views are on the subject.

If, through your conversations, you discover a mutual attraction, you can either act on it—or not.

Bear in mind that dating a co-worker isn’t always a wise choice. If the relationship ends, you still have to work together, and that can be pretty uncomfortable.

However, the pros and cons of office romance aside, the most important thing is not to be ashamed of your feelings. It’s healthy and courageous to be yourself, and your sexuality is only one part of what makes you you.

Considering you’ve always wondered about your sexuality, I’m going to assume your co-worker isn’t the first girl you’ve ever had a crush on.

Denying who you really are and what you feel can be extremely stressful. It can lead to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, anger, and resentment, and can cause physical and emotional problems, as well.

If you need help, PFLAG provides information and resources for people who are confused about their sexuality. Their support page says this:

For most people it takes time to know who you are, and it’s okay to be confused or to be uncertain about whether (or how) you should come out. Remember: you are not alone. There are people out there with the same questions and concerns that you have. And there are people who have already found their own answers. PFLAG is here to help you.

Another good resource is the AGGIE Ally website.

Thanks for writing to me, VCG, and let me know how things turn out.

Don’t Wait; It’s Okay to Date: Advice for Single Parents May 18, 2008

Posted by Anita in Advice for Men, Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships, Online Dating, Since You Asked.
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3 comments

Dear Anita:
Do you think single parents should date while their kids are still young? –Just Wondering

Dear JW:

In my line of work, I frequently speak to single parents about dating.

What I find surprising is that many genuinely believe they should not even consider dating until their children have reached adulthood.

When asked about their own happiness – not to mention their emotional and physical needs – each insists their children’s needs come first. And besides, what with raising their kids and all, who’s got time to date anyway?

Although I don’t have kids of my own, I do happen to know a number of single parents who are able to date, without compromising the quality of their relationships with their children.

True, a certain amount of juggling is involved, but if you really want something, you’ll find a way to fit it in.

So how is it then, that some single parents are successfully playing the field, while others won’t even consider meeting someone for a quick lunch?

Is it denial?

I’m sure they’re sincere, but I have a sneaking suspicion that some single parents may be using their kids as an excuse not to date.

If you’ve recently ended a relationship, I can certainly understand the need to wait awhile before stepping into the shark-filled dating waters again. But putting it off until your five-year-old turns 21 seems a little extreme to me.

So what’s actually holding some of you single parents back?

Perhaps you feel you don’t know “how” to date, if you’ve been out of the game for a number of years.

Or maybe you’re afraid your child will resent you for “replacing” mommy or daddy with someone new.

No worries; fears can be conquered if you’re truly motivated.

Online Dating
The internet’s always a good place to start when time is at a premium.

Some dating sites cater exclusively to single parents. Just enter “single parent dating” into your search engine and voila!

Bear in mind that niche sites for single parents aren’t necessarily better than “regular” online dating sites, but if you’re nervous, they could be a good place to start.

E-spread the Word
You could also let your friends, family, acquaintances, and co-workers know that you’re open to dating again. Don’t be shy! Ask if they have any single friends, or better yet, single-parent friends who are in the same boat as you!

Meet on the Swings
You see this scenario in many a romantic movie. Where do all the single parents hang out with their kids on sunny summer afternoons? Why, in the playground of course!

Yes, the women will likely outnumber the men – which is great if you’re a single dad. If you’re a single mom, strike up a conversation with the good-looking guy watching his toddler playing in the sandbox. You never know where it could lead.

Be a Good Sport
Whether it’s hockey practice, little league, or swim meets, when you’re a single parent out with your kids, chances are you’re not the only one. Every place you take your kids provides an opportunity for you to find a potential date.

Take Your Time
If you do meet someone online or through other channels, no need to rush. You’ve got plenty of time to get acquainted.

Communicate by e-mail and over the phone before taking things further.

Coffee house dates are always a good idea when you’re just getting to know someone, whether you’re a single parent or not. If your kids are in school during the day, then meeting someone for a cup of coffee in the morning or early afternoon is perfect for you!

Don’t worry; Your Kids will be Fine
As long as you don’t rush blindly into a relationship with someone new, your kids will eventually get used to the idea that it’s okay for mommy or daddy to have “special” friends.

Psychotherapist Tina B. Tessina, PhD, LMFT , in her article “Dating Guidelines for Single Parents,” recommends the following:

• Make sure you know a lot about any new person before inviting him or her into your home.
• Become friends before considering a romantic relationship.
• Always introduce new adults to your children as friends, nothing more.
• If your children are old enough to have opinions of your new friends, listen to what they have to say.
• Do not pressure your children to like your new friend or to spend time with him or her.
• Insist that your children behave appropriately and politely to your adult friends.
• Have regular family discussions with your children.
• If you want to get serious with a date, find out his or her feelings about children – especially your children – first.
• Gradually introduce a new date to your children by doing family-oriented activities together. Give your children and your date a chance to develop their own relationships.
• Don’t sacrifice your children’s alone time with you, and don’t miss sport or school events in order to date.
• Don’t share inappropriately with your children. Do not use them as “confidantes” for your relationship confusion or problems, and there’s no need for them to know about your sexual relationship(s).

Remember: If you’re a single parent who wants to date, you have no reason to feel guilty.

Single parents need love too, and the burden to provide it shouldn’t rest entirely on the shoulders of your children.

Be Careful When Engaging in Kinky Sex May 18, 2008

Posted by Anita in Advice for GLBT, Advice for Men, Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships, Online Dating.
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Here are some cautionary tales for those of you who like your sex a little rough…

Stabbing
Catherine McCoubrey, a 25-year-old Canadian university student, nearly killed her 24-year-old boyfriend when he asked her to carve a heart into his chest.

Unfortunately, she applied a little too much pressure and accidentally punctured her willing victim’s heart.

The young lovers were intoxicated at the time and had engaged in consensual knife carving/body modification in the past.

The boyfriend was rushed to hospital and wasn’t expected to survive. But he did, which was an exceptionally lucky break for Ms. McCoubrey.

She pleaded guilty to assault and was sentenced to three years’ probation.

Had her BF died, obviously things would not have gone as well for her.

A 1991 Supreme Court of Canada ruling states that a person cannot agree to have bodily harm done to him- or herself. In other words, although the BF asked to be carved, and the stabbing was an accident, it’s still considered a crime.

Spanking
In another case of rough sex play, a man was convicted of assault causing bodily harm, after hitting his lover on the buttocks with a wooden chair leg and spanking her with a leather belt. The woman was severely injured and required hospitalization. She asked the hospital not to report her injuries to police, but her request was denied.

Choking
Rebecca Bargy, a 25-year-old American woman, was charged with reckless homicide after accidentally killing her 29-year-old husband, James Bargy, during a game of consensual bondage.

After placing duct tape over her husband’s mouth and eyes, putting a ball gag in his mouth, tying a bandage around his head, so only his nostrils were exposed, and tying his hands and legs behind his back, Ms. Bargy left Mr. Bargy alone for 20 hours.

Police believe Ms. Bargy was frolicking in a motel room with a man she’d met online, while hubby was at home suffocating to death.

The moral of these stories?
1. Don’t play with knives when you’re drunk;
2. Don’t spank someone so hard they require hospitalization; and
3. Don’t ever leave anyone alone when they are bound and gagged.

[sources: winnipegfreepress.com , aol.com and truecrimeweblog.com ]
[photo of bondage action figure: shawnhogan.com]