Is He Her Soul Mate… or Just Stringing Her Along? May 12, 2008
Posted by Anita in Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships, Online Dating, Online Hoaxes & Scams, Since You Asked.Tags: Ask Anita, dating, free dating advice, free relationship advice, internet dating, life, love, Online Dating, romance, sex
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Dear Anita:
For the past three years I’ve been in a long-distance online relationship with an incredible man. He’s 36, I’m 20. He lives in the U.S. and I live in Canada. We e-mail or text message almost every day and he’s sent me lots of pictures of himself, his pets, his family and his friends. He’s madly in love with me and I’m head-over-heels in love with him. I’m sure he’s my soul mate. But my mom says online relationships aren’t normal and she doesn’t understand how we can be in love, since we’ve never met in person. She’s constantly nagging me to break up with him and find a “real man.” How can I convince my mom that it’s true love and get her off my back? –Happy Girl in Love
Dear Happy Girl:
You probably don’t want to hear this, but your mom’s got a point.
If you think about it logically, how can you truly love someone you’ve never met?
I’m not saying your emotions are invalid. The problem is this: you’re “head-over-heels in love” with the persona this man’s created—with his online image, his pictures and his words—but you have absolutely no way of knowing whether any of it is true. You’re “in love” with a computer-driven fantasy, not a person.
What’s even more disconcerting is that you’ve been communicating with this man since you were 17 and he was 33. You have to ask yourself (and this is likely what’s bothering your mom) why a 33-year-old man would be interested in a 17-year-old girl.
On the upside, there is no risk of you becoming pregnant or contracting a sexually transmitted disease. You are, after all, conducting this “relationship” from the safety of your own home. Mom may not be happy about what you are doing, but at least she knows where you are.
However, the anonymity of the internet makes it incredibly easy for unscrupulous people to lie. Some folks use it to enhance certain attributes about themselves, to appear more appealing and attractive, while others deliberately deceive.
Take the case of 20-year-old Huang Tzu-heng, who began dating his classmate Hsiao Lan in the spring of 2003. In an attempt to discover whether Hsiao really loved him, Huang created a fake online dating persona (”Mr. J”) and contacted his girlfriend.
Unsuspecting Hsiao began an online relationship with “Mr. J,” while continuing to date Huang in real life. One day Hsiao informed her boyfriend that she was breaking up with him, because she’d “fallen in love” with her online boyfriend, “Mr. J.”
Huang was so distraught, he killed himself, leaving behind two suicide notes (one for his parents and one for his love) explaining that he was in fact “Mr. J.”
The point is this: You never really know who you’re dealing with when you “date” in cyberspace.
Online dating is a fabulous tool for connecting with people from all walks of life. But unless you take your online relationships offline, you can’t really trust them.
“Virtual love” is not real love. Your 36-year-old cyber-boyfriend may very well be an online predator or a married man, playing with your emotions and stringing you along for his amusement.
The bottom line: Either end it, or call him on it.
It’s ridiculous for “soul mates madly in love” to have never met in person. Invite him to visit you in Canada. If he agrees, make sure your mom is present at the first meeting.
However, I’m willing to bet he’ll come up with every excuse in the book to get out of it. In which case, I strongly recommend you listen to your mother. Stop wasting your time on a man who is, likely, an insincere lout.
You’re young, Happy Girl. You’ve got lots of time to find a real flesh-and-blood soul mate—preferably someone who lives in your own town. And when you do… you’ll be happy your mom didn’t stop nagging and that you wrote to me for advice.
I am with you on that one Anita. There is a reason cats are reaching out on the Internets – they got problems. Not everybody, but there is enough of them to make them suspect. A lot of broads buy into that whole soulmate garbage – that there is only one bloke out there who is right. Unless you live in Moose Patty, Alaska, there is a fella within 20 miles of you. If you stick your neck out a bit he will find you. The puters masquerade a lot of dead-beat personality traits. When you are fully invested, and finally meet that person, it is often too late to bail out.
My two pesos anyway
Hey Johnnypeepers,
I never thanked you for your warm wishes as I embarked upon my vacation. So, thanks! I had the most awesome time. Hot sun, wet sand, the gentle ocean breeze, strawberry daiquiris… (sigh…)
Anyway… back to reality.
You’re right, by the way, there usually is “a fella within 20 miles.”
Single folks need to remember that sometimes the easiest way to find someone to date, is to simply step away from the computer and get outside!
Cheers!
I have never understood why relationships that begin in the virtual world are considered “less” than ones that begin in the real world. The success or failure of any relationship depends on the people involved in it and has little (if anything) to with where they first met.
There are just as many creeps, liars, cheaters, freaks and psychos offline as there are online.
In any case, you have no business judging how “real” anyone’s relationship or feelings may be. How would YOU feel if someone said your advice is less valid because you give it on the Internet, instead of face to face?
“A fella within 20 miles”? Not for everybody. Really, that statement is so condescending. I’ve also noticed that all the so-called “experts” on dating and relationships are often terminally single. I wonder why?
SEG:
I find it rather amusing that you think I have “no business judging how ‘real’ anyone’s relationships or feelings may be.”
As a matter of fact I do.
That’s why people write to me.
I have no choice but to make judgments based on the information they provide, and then offer advice based on those judgments.
Apparently, you didn’t read Happy Girl’s question or my answer very carefully.
Not once did I say, or imply, relationships that begin in the virtual world are “less” than those that begin in the real world; and I completely agree that “the success or failure of any relationship depends on the people involved,” with “little (if anything) to do with where they first met.”
I’m actually a big fan of online dating.
As I said to Happy Girl: “Online dating is a fabulous tool for connecting with people from all walks of life.”
The problem with Happy Girl’s “relationship” is that she has NEVER MET the man she believes she’s in love with.
Her “relationship” didn’t BEGIN in the virtual world, SEG. It’s remained there for three solid years!
And don’t get me started on men in their 30s (if he is, in fact, a man in his 30s) targeting 17-year-old girls.
You are also correct when you say, there are “just as many creeps, liars, cheaters, freaks and psychos” online as there are off.
That’s exactly my point.
Happy Girl has no way of knowing whether or not this person is a “creep, liar, cheater, freak, or psycho,” because she’s never met him. She’s never even spoken to him on the phone!
Happy Girl is not in love with a man; she’s in love with an online persona.
Her virtual “soul mate” could be anybody. “He” could be a 65-year-old grandmother conducting research for a book on internet dating deception or a 14-year-old boy getting his jollies on daddy’s computer.
Do you see my point?
You also asked how I would feel if someone said my advice was less than valid, because I give it on the internet rather than face-to-face.
Well, SEG, it wouldn’t bother me a bit. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion. If you don’t think my advice is valid, then don’t ask for it. (FYI: I give face-to-face advice all the time.)
And finally, you say you’ve “noticed that all the so-called ‘experts’ on dating and relationships are often terminally single,” and you’re wondering why.
I can’t speak for all those single experts you claim to know. But, if you’re referring to me, then you obviously haven’t read my “Who is Anita?” page.
Amazing, really, considering what an arrogant, and rather unattractive, bitch you are.
Thanks for playing.
What a sod. I suspect a bit of 40 year-old virgin porn addict projection from SEG (single encephalitic gargoyle). The personal attack on Anita was unnecessary, but that is what Special Olympic blog commentators are prone to do when they have been deftly deconstructed.
Thanks for showing us your true colours, SEG.
“Single Encephalitic Gargoyle”
Johnnypeepers, you do have a way with words.