Ask Anita

Dear Anita:
I am a black man who was married for fifteen years and have five kids. I’ve been divorced for three years and am a strong Christian. I’ve been talking to an Asian woman online for the past four months. She is also a Christian and we met through an online dating service. I really like her a lot and she is thinking about coming to the States to visit me. However, she’s recently said that if she comes to the U.S., she wants to be “just friends.” I plan on honoring her wishes, but I had hoped she wanted something more. How can I keep the relationship we do have strong, but at the same time try to move to the next level? Your advice is appreciated. –An Honorable Man

Dear Honorable:

“Just Friends”: two of the most dreaded words in the English language – at least when it comes to romantic relationships!

Yet sadly, this scenario is extremely common. Just when you think you’ve got something solid going with someone, he or she – seemingly out of the blue – springs the “I just want to be friends” speech on you.

And yet, there are usually signs, however subtle, leading up to this confession.

First of all, you say you met this woman through an online dating service. If this service offers different relationship categories, in which one did you meet? If she was in the “chat” and/or “friendship” sections, her position should come as no surprise to you.

However, if her profile implies – or she’s actually said – she’s looking for an intimate or long-term relationship, then why, if she has no romantic interest in you, is she thinking of coming to visit?

I’d be suspicious of her motives, particularly since she doesn’t live anywhere near you. Has she asked you to send her money for the trip? If so, don’t do it.

Since you’ve only been communicating online (and perhaps by phone?), you can’t know until you meet in person whether you’re truly compatible and have physical chemistry. But don’t wait until she arrives in the US to sort things out. You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache if you get to the bottom of it now.

I assume you’ve already told her you hope to take your relationship to the next level. If so, in light of her desire to visit, tell her you don’t understand why she doesn’t feel the same way.

Her explanation will determine how you should proceed.

Perhaps she’s shy, sexually inexperienced, or unwilling to become intimate before marriage.

If this is the case and she’s being honest with you, there’s a possibility you can become more than “just friends” at some point in the future – but only if you are compatible in person!

Considering she lives in another country, it could take years to figure that out. A visit here and there isn’t enough to determine long-term compatibility.

However, if she’s just not that into you, or she’s seeing someone else, or she’s simply looking for a ticket to America – you’ll have to accept that “no means no.”

In which case, ask yourself whether you want – or need – to be “friends” with this woman. After all, you’ve only “known” her for four months. At this point, you don’t have a whole lot invested in the “relationship.” If you’re looking for sexual intimacy and/or something long term, I’d suggest you stop pursuing her and look closer to home.

If meeting someone of the same faith is important to you (if you haven’t already done so), why not check out the Christian dating sites?

And another thing: when you do meet someone who’s truly right for you (and you for her), you won’t have to wonder how you can take it to the next level. It will simply happen – easily and naturally – just the way it should.

Good luck.