Ask Anita

Dear Anita:
I’ve always wondered about my sexuality. There’s a new girl at my work place, who’s quiet and eats by herself most of the time—kind of like my personality. We actually have a lot in common, it seems, and now I’m not the only “quiet girl” at the office. When I first saw her, I thought she was pretty, then I was clouded by jealousy, because I can’t have “competition.” But after hearing people gossip about her, I felt sorry for her. So, I thought maybe I should be friends with her. My question is this: If I sincerely want to be friends with this girl, why is it that whenever she’s around me I feel tingles and butterflies in my stomach? I’m wondering whether I expect something more than a friendship here. I sometimes catch her stealing glances my way, and I like that attention from her. I am so confused; any advice would be great. Thank you. –Very Confused Girl

Dear VCG:

The reason so many people are confused about their sexuality, is because, for generations, we’ve been conned into believing there’s something wrong with us if we happen to be attracted to members of our own sex.

Stereotypes, misinformation, homophobia, and religious intolerance (especially religious intolerance!) have all contributed to this confusion and self-doubt.

The fact is, we’re all sexual beings.

If you feel predominantly straight but sometimes feel attracted to women, don’t worry about it. You’re completely normal! You’re human!

Alternately, if you find yourself attracted to women more frequently than to men, that’s okay too!

Dr. Alfred Kinsey developed a scale back in 1948—and modern researchers have since concurred—that sexual orientation is NOT an either/or issue. People are NOT simply heterosexual or homosexual.

In other words, most of us are bisexual, to a greater or lesser degree.

The Kinsey Scale runs from 0 to 6, as follows:

0 Exclusively heterosexual
1 Predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3 Equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5 Predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 Exclusively homosexual

An individual’s ranking on the scale is determined by his or her fantasies, thoughts, dreams, emotional feelings, and frequency of sexual activity.

So folks who consider themselves straight would actually fall somewhere between 0-3, depending on how often (if ever) they think, dream, or fantasize about sexual activities with members of the same sex, and/or act on those feelings.

If you’re feeling “tingles and butterflies” around this girl at your work place, no doubt, you’ve got a crush on her.

The only question is whether she feels the same way about you.

The first thing you need to do is strike up a conversation with her. Make her feel welcome and see if you do, in fact, become friends.

If she has a crush on you too, it should become apparent soon enough.

But if you’re not sure, depending on how open and honest you want to be, you could always broach the subject of sexuality in a general way. You don’t have to specifically discuss your personal feelings toward her; just find out what her views are on the subject.

If, through your conversations, you discover a mutual attraction, you can either act on it—or not.

Bear in mind that dating a co-worker isn’t always a wise choice. If the relationship ends, you still have to work together, and that can be pretty uncomfortable.

However, the pros and cons of office romance aside, the most important thing is not to be ashamed of your feelings. It’s healthy and courageous to be yourself, and your sexuality is only one part of what makes you you.

Considering you’ve always wondered about your sexuality, I’m going to assume your co-worker isn’t the first girl you’ve ever had a crush on.

Denying who you really are and what you feel can be extremely stressful. It can lead to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, anger, and resentment, and can cause physical and emotional problems, as well.

If you need help, PFLAG provides information and resources for people who are confused about their sexuality. Their support page says this:

For most people it takes time to know who you are, and it’s okay to be confused or to be uncertain about whether (or how) you should come out. Remember: you are not alone. There are people out there with the same questions and concerns that you have. And there are people who have already found their own answers. PFLAG is here to help you.

Another good resource is the AGGIE Ally website.

Thanks for writing to me, VCG, and let me know how things turn out.