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Relationship Magic: The Secret to Happily Ever After June 23, 2008

Posted by Anita in Advice for Men, Advice for Women, Book Reviews, Dating & Relationships.
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Chapter 1
A Marriage in Peril

Once upon a time in the faraway kingdom of Lavonia, there lived a young prince named James. Prince James was kind and generous. He showed great promise as a future ruler of the kingdom. The royal family lived in splendor in a beautiful castle. The lavish balls and ceremonies of state were a continued source of admiration and wonder for the citizens of the kingdom and visiting dignitaries. Prince James received the best education and all the material wealth that befit a young prince. He grew tall and strong. The citizens of Lavonia felt secure in the future of their monarchy.

However, as is often the case, behind the castle walls, all was not well within the royal household. The king and queen, once the happiest of lovers, had begun to grow apart not long after young James was born. The volatile King John often reacted to his queen with unrelenting and thoughtless criticism. The queen abhorred confrontation and simply walked away when the king was in one of his tempers. This practice continued until the royal couple became so distant that they were almost strangers.

Young James did not escape his father’s wrath. He himself was often a target. Taking after his mother, Prince James did not quarrel with his father. He attempted to avoid confrontation by putting distance between himself and the king and nurturing his dreams for the future. He longed for the day when he would meet his soul mate and find all the love and affection he craved but could not find within his own family.

Many miles away, there lived a beautiful young maiden named Cinda. She, too, longed for escape from her family turmoil. Her parents, also once so happy and in love, had fallen on hard times. Her mother could find no good in her father. As he was a weak man, and could not face his wife, he decided to seek his fortune and happiness elsewhere, leaving young Cinda and her mother to fend for themselves. Cinda’s mother, in her despair, became bitter and angry, and poor Cinda often felt the lash of her sharp tongue. The desolate young girl would stare out her window, dreaming of her prince, her knight in shining armor who would rescue her, shower her with love and attention, and most importantly, never leave her.

One day, as Prince James was on a mission for his father, he encountered Cinda, who was on an errand for her mother. It was love at first sight. The young couple soon fell to planning their wedding. Their minds and hearts filled with love and hope for a bright and happy future.

The royal wedding, lavish and extravagant, lifted the hearts of the hopeful nation. As they were joined together in a wedding fit for a king and queen, Cinda and James in all their happiness could not foresee that they had embarked on a difficult and perilous journey that all soul mates must undertake if they wish to find one another and grow together.

Most fairytales end here, with the wedding and the deceptively simple “happily ever after,” but those of us in reality know, the adventure is just beginning, and so it is for Cinda and James. For a while, all appears well in the royal marriage. Cinda and James show all the signs of being deeply in love. Soon, they produce two lovely children, Lucinda and Luke. The young couple shares their hopes and dreams, their trials and disappointments. There doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the day to say all that they wish to say.

However, gradually, the royal couple starts to drift apart, as their parents did. It appears that the scars of their childhoods are haunting them still. James and Cinda watch with growing frustration as their relationship unravels and the bond between them weakens.

Now, several years after that happy and wondrous wedding day, Prince James, once the most eligible and charming bachelor his kingdom has ever known, awakens in the early morning from a restless sleep. His wife, Princess Cinda, lies asleep next to him, her blond hair furled out upon the satin pillow and a slight frown on her face.

And so it begins…

It’s not every day a fairytale is written for grownups.

But marriage counselor, Edythe Denkin, PhD, has done just that in her new book Relationship Magic: The Secret to Happily Ever After.

The reader is introduced to Prince James and Princess Cinda, who are on the verge of divorce.

Poor communication skills, negative thinking, and the repetition of unconscious behaviors learned in childhood, have taken a toll on their once magical union.

You will follow the royal couple as they embark upon a journey to heal their relationship – guided by their mentor, the mysterious Satori and his affectionate dog, Woodrow.

Meanwhile (since every good fairytale has a villain), Cinda’s “friend” Morella – who has her eye on the prince – colludes with the gardener, in an attempt to sabotage James’ and Cinda’s efforts.

“Cinda and James’s fairytale is representative of typical events in the lives of hundreds of couples…,” writes Denkin.

“In the beginning, when their relationship brings them so many magical moments, they look forward to spending the rest of their lives together…. But after the first few years, the same criticism, blame, and shame they absorbed from their parents begins to creep into their lives. Because they unknowingly bring the same negative energy from their childhood wounds into their marriage, they find they are repeating similar patterns of their parents that they swore they would never do.”

As someone who’s personally experienced trauma in her own childhood, I identified with Princess Cinda’s wounded child within and the negative thinking and behavior that inevitably accompany such wounds.

Based on Imago Relationship Therapy, Dr. Denkin shows you how not to take personally what your partner says or does and how to empathize with your partner’s point of view through “intentional dialogue.”

By becoming aware of how you react to your partner and understanding the reasons behind those reactions, you can both learn to feel loved, rather than rewounded by old childhood issues.

Written in simple, easy-to-understand language, this book will appeal to those who find typical self-help books a little too dry or who don’t enjoy muddling through unfamiliar terminology.

Since the concepts are presented in the form of a story, learning and remembering them is a breeze. Plus, each chapter highlights the important points for quick reference and ends with questions to ask yourself, based on the lessons learned.

Whether you’re already married, living with your partner, or just thinking about cohabitating, Relationship Magic will show you how to stop repeating negative patterns and how to treat your partner with respect, honor, and trust – so you too can live “happily ever after” with the man or woman of your dreams.

Update: Karla-Rae Morris Credits Boob Job for Discovery of Irregular Heartbeat June 16, 2008

Posted by Anita in Cosmetic Surgery.
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Further to my original post about this…

Karla-Rae Morris told Sun Media that not only have her brand new 34Cs boosted her confidence, but while under the knife, her plastic surgeon discovered she had an irregular heartbeat.

Fortunately, her heart condition is not life-threatening and can be managed with medication.

So back to her boobs…

“I’ve been told by quite a few people that they look really natural. I just feel like more of a woman and less like a little girl. That’s all I wanted,” she says.

Well… you can’t really fault the woman for wanting to feel good about herself, regardless of how she went about it.

But considering she’s a mother of two, she should probably buy that book (My Beautiful Mommy) on how to explain cosmetic surgery to her kids.

Is My Long-Distance Relationship Falling Apart? June 15, 2008

Posted by Anita in Dating & Relationships, Since You Asked.
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Dear Anita: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a little over two years. We’ve had our ups and downs, just like every other relationship. But about six months ago, he told me he was accepted to a prestigious school halfway across the country, and I told him I was fully behind him moving there. It really was the opportunity of a lifetime for him, and even though I knew I was going to miss him, it seemed wrong for him to let it go for me.

During his absence, I have visited him twice and he has been back here once, and we’ve had a wonderful time together. Originally, he was contacting me several times a day, and I had told him that it was becoming increasingly difficult for me to keep up with his calls. Now, six months later, he doesn’t call for several days on end, and when I do talk to him, he barely opens up to me. I basically have to drag information out of him, and sometimes he even seems almost disappointed to hear my voice on the other end of the line. I am confused as to his behavior because the last time we had a discussion about this, I basically told him it was over and he begged me to change my mind – so much so, that I did.

Can you enlighten me as to what is going on? I really want to be mature about this, but I am always suspicious of his female friends (and yes, there are several) who are obviously spending more time with him than I. I am also feeling hurt because when I ask him if he is ever going to move back home, he replies, “Maybe I will, maybe I won’t.” He has asked me to move there, but I have a job and commitments here (including an elderly grandmother I care for), and he doesn’t even have a job there – he is just a student. Do you have any advice for me? Thanks! –Too Far Away

Dear Too Far:

Well, you’ve basically covered off all the reasons why it’s so difficult to make a long-distance relationship work.

Some LDLs do work, of course. In fact, I’m friends with a couple who are managing just fine. She’s a law student in the United States, and he has a career here in Canada. Their relationship was solid before she left, and since then, open and honest communication, along with their nightly web cam rendezvous’ keep everything on track.

But in your case, it’s been only six months and things have already changed dramatically.

At first your boyfriend didn’t know anyone, was missing you terribly, and with a little too much time on his hands, felt the need to call you several times a day.

Six months later, he’s settled into a routine, has a number of female friends, is noncommunicative about his activities, and seems “almost disappointed” to hear your voice when you call. To add insult to injury, he’s being evasive and flippant about moving back home.

Your decision to call it quits was the right one, under the circumstances. But your boyfriend, who is seemingly oblivious to your needs, selfishly guilted you into changing your mind.

It is also inconsiderate of him to ask you to uproot yourself when you’re the one with a full time job and other commitments. Mind you, there’s a possibility he only suggested this to appease you, knowing full well you would never actually move because of your situation.

All in all, your relationship is not working as it stands. There are too many unanswered questions, which are obviously causing you stress.

In my opinion, the smart thing to do would be to end it for now, and pick up where you left off should your boyfriend ever move back to your home town.

In the meantime, I think you should see other people and get on with your life.

Single Parent Looking for Mr. Right and Worried About Spam June 15, 2008

Posted by Anita in Dating & Relationships, Online Dating, Since You Asked.
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1 comment so far

I received the following two “questions” from the same individual:

Dear Anita: If there is someone who is interested in a 57-year-old single parent, I am searching for Mr. Right for the rest of my life. I am young at heart forever. I prefer someone who loves music, is a singer and/or can play guitar, piano, or another musical instrument. Is he Mr. Right? Contact me. –Name Withheld

Dear NW:

I don’t know whether the musician you are looking for is Mr. Right, but one way to find out is to join an online dating site.

Plenty of Fish is probably the best FREE dating site on the web, but if you don’t mind paying, there are many others to choose from.

Simply google “online dating” or “online dating single parents” and shop around. But be careful, not all sites are created equal.

For more information, please see my posts: “Weeding Out the Bad: Online Dating Sites to Avoid” and “What’s the Difference Between Online Dating and a Matchmaking Service?”

Dear Anita: Thanks for your column, but I did not receive any reply from the concerned, probably fickle-minded, guy. Please remove me from the list or the number 5, because there are unwanted spam messages coming to my e-mail. Thanks. –Still Waiting

Dear Still:

I’m sorry, but I have no idea what you are talking about.

“Ask Anita” is not a dating service and you are not “number 5″ on any “list.”

I have no control over the spam you are receiving, but since you have a Yahoo e-mail account, you can manage it by activating Yahoo’s “SpamGuard.” Simply go to your “Spam” folder and click on “Edit Settings.”

Hope this helps.

How Do I Handle a Boy Who Won’t Stop Staring at Me? June 11, 2008

Posted by Anita in Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships, Since You Asked.
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Dear Anita:
There is a guy in my classroom who I always catch staring at me. He stares at me every single day. It’s kind of annoying because I don’t like him. Do you think he’s attracted to me? What should I do? –Annoyed by a Boy

Dear Annoyed:

Sorry for the delay in responding to your question. I suspect your situation has resolved itself, since school is now out for the summer. But just in case you’re still dealing with this problem, here we go…

Before I advise you on what to do, let’s get one thing out of the way first: are you absolutely positive this boy is staring at you?

Sometimes we misinterpret the behavior of others, and if we act upon our incorrect assumptions, we can end up looking foolish – or worse.

For instance, I have a habit of gazing into space when I’m thinking about stuff (usually answers to “Ask Anita” questions, LOL), and if there are other people around when I’m doing this, they tend to think I’m staring at them.

Most people don’t say anything to me, but one time I was waiting for a subway train, staring into space as usual, when this psycho started screaming at me! I was so lost in thought, I didn’t even see him coming. Yet suddenly, there he was, up close and personal, threatening to hurt me if I didn’t stop staring at him!

And on another occasion, I asked my partner what he planned on having for lunch. He looked at me as if I were crazy and said, “You just watched me eat my lunch.” Once again, I’d been staring into space, but my partner was convinced I’d been looking at him the entire time.

Here’s another example: A woman I used to work with filed a sexual harrassment complaint because she believed one of our co-workers was constantly staring at her. He was a rather odd fellow – a daydreamer, with his head in the clouds – but he had zero interest in that woman and was, most certainly, not staring at her. However, management assumed the woman’s side of the story was true and fired the poor guy!

So it’s important to be very sure you are being stared at before taking action.

Now, assuming this boy is in fact staring at you, and if your instincts are telling you he’s attracted to you, then you’re probably right.

The problem, of course, is that you don’t feel the same way about him.

There are a couple of things you can do to handle the situation:

Since you keep “catching” him staring at you, this implies you are looking in his direction when he’s doing it. So you have to ignore him.

Don’t look at him, and don’t react to his staring. Every time you glance in his direction, he may be thinking to himself that you are staring at him because you like him!

Or if ignoring him is impossible, you could very discretely tell him that his constant staring is bothering you and you’d really like him to stop. And when I say “discretely,” I mean, don’t do this when others are listening because (assuming it’s just an innocent crush) there’s no need to embarrass the guy.

Other than ignoring him or telling him to stop, there’s not much else you can do.

But if you’re afraid of this boy for any reason, you should discuss the situation with a trusted adult or an older sibling who may have to intervene on your behalf.

Good luck.