Ask Anita

Dear Anita:

I came across this site because I find myself with too much time on my hands thinking of someone I just ended a relationship with – if it can really be called that – but I shall explain.

Two years ago, I met this person on my job (as a toll collector). We exchanged numbers and began communicating.

Because he is a pastor of a church, the excuse was that he was always busy with work.

I am a dental student, so it didn’t matter that much in the early stages. Anyway, as things progressed to an intimate stage, I found myself growing more suspicious of his excuses and actions for not meeting more frequently.

I tried to call it quits once before, but had no proof that there were other women (the numbers I secretly found on the phone turned out to be bogus).

Then one morning, after being intimate all night, he said, “Well, it is always nice seeing you…” and then offered to let me stay at his place while he went out to run some errands.

He forgot his blackberry at home. But he took the cell phone with the number I always call him on with him.

At first I thought the blackberry was an old phone – until it rang!! Then, I checked the voicemail. I think back and wish I could still be ignorant of what I heard, but I can’t.

When asked about the phone later that day, I claimed I didn’t see it – a lie of course. I haven’t returned his calls since then. I feel angry that I was deceived by a so-called man-of-God.

We even discussed parting ways if there was ever a time when we lacked interest in each other. I thought everything was clear and transparent.

So my question is, how to I begin to move on?… It’s been nine days!!! Thanks. –Angry Girl

Dear Angry:

I apologize for the delay in responding to your question.

When you originally wrote to me it had been only nine days since your breakup. You were still reeling from the deception; you were angry at your pastor boyfriend for lying to you; and you were kicking yourself for listening to his voicemail (despite it proving what you’d already suspected).

Hopefully, you have begun moving on, and my response will serve to solidify what you have since figured out for yourself.

It’s clear from your letter that you had trouble trusting this man from the very beginning.

While your gut was telling you he was being less than honest with you, your voice of reason was likely arguing that a church pastor couldn’t possibly be so full of shit.

The truth is, pastors are human beings, just like the rest of us. But since they voluntarily place themselves in positions of power and authority – and claim to represent the divine – we expect them to practice what they preach and be pillars of moral fortitude.

Sadly, many church pastors, ministers, priests, and those of similar ilk, do not deserve our trust and respect, as these so-called “men-of-god” are frequently master manipulators.

Take the case of 24-year-old Jesse Knowlin, a popular youth minister at Bethlehem Baptist Church and a substitute teacher at the Sarasota School of Arts and Sciences. Those who “knew” him raved about his honesty, creativity, and his ability to win the trust of children. He appeared to be “hardworking and kind.” The school principal thought “he walked on water.” Yet, in May of this year, he was arrested for performing “lewd and lascivious” acts on teenage boys during “sleepovers” at his home.

Or consider former evangelical preacher Ted Haggard, who regularly condemned homosexuality. He founded the New Life Church in Colorado Springs, the Association of Life-Giving Churches, and was the leader of the National Association of Evangelicals. However, he was forced to step down, after being outed by male prostitute Mike Jones, for engaging in regular homosexual activities with Mr. Jones while taking methamphetamines. At first Haggard vehemently denied even knowing Jones, but eventually confessed to “sexual immorality.”

And how about senior pastor Royden Wood, of the Ambassador Baptist Church, who sexually assaulted several adolescent boys and girls in his congregation?

Or “faith healer” Peter Popoff who – like all “faith healers” – was proven to be a fraud?

I could go on and on, but my point is this:

These “godly” people are trained to interpret scripture and religious dogma to suit their own purposes and to convince others that the myths they are peddling are actually true.

Lying to people in the name of “god” is second nature to these guys, so they don’t think twice when it comes to lying about other stuff too.

You say you and your ex discussed going your separate ways should either of you ever lose interest in the other, and because of this conversation, you thought everything was “clear and transparent.”

The thing is, he didn’t lose interest in you, as you were clearly still intimately involved, but what he failed to mention was that he was equally interested in other people as well! Being the deceiver that he is, he felt no need to clarify the situation, even though it must have been obvious to him you believed your relationship to be exclusive.

You are clearly more mature, intelligent, and authentic than this man will ever be.

So move on, AG, with your head held high and your self-esteem intact, because he never deserved an amazing woman like you.

You are extremely lucky to be rid of him.