Ask Anita

Dear Anita:I met a great guy online six months ago and we’ve been living together for the last two. He’s wonderful in every way, except one. He refuses to shower before coming to bed, and I don’t feel comfortable being intimate with him when he’s all sweaty and dirty. I’ve discussed this with him on several occasions, but he just laughs. He says showering in the morning is good enough and that I’m being silly and unreasonable. I disagree. I think he’s being rude and disrespectful to me. What can I do to make him see the light? –Squeaky Clean in Virginia

Dear Squeaky:

We all have different tolerance levels.

When it comes to relationships, a deal breaker for one person can be completely inconsequential to another. Showering before bed is one of those things.

You didn’t mention what type of work your partner does. Is he a laborer? A hog farmer? An office worker? Is his personal hygiene questionable at other times of the day?

If he showers in the morning and doesn’t engage in any strenuous physical activity before hitting the sack, then he’s likely not all that “sweaty and dirty.” But if he’s dripping with perspiration and covered in mud or other substances, then I agree, he should have a shower.

On the other hand, if you’re hyper-sensitive to body odors or if you suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder (do you bathe more than twice a day? do you panic if you don’t? are you terrified of germs and contamination?), there may be more at play here than a stinky, uncooperative boyfriend. If so, I recommend you consult a medical professional.

Having said that, I can appreciate where you’re coming from.

Once upon a time, I lived with a guy who suffered from severe asthma. He couldn’t tolerate any perfumes, creams, scented deodorants, shampoos, air fresheners, incense, etc. and I had to stop using all my favorite products to accommodate his needs. But truth be told, giving them up was a huge sacrifice for me. My body oils and lotions helped me relax and feel good about myself, and I often resented him for depriving me of my aromatherapy pleasures.

We ultimately broke up for other reasons, but his breathing issues placed a significant strain on our relationship.

Since you’ve been cohabitating for only two months, you’re still testing the relationship waters and getting to know one another. There’s always an adjustment period, and a certain amount of compromise will be required to live together in harmony.

If he’s unwilling to shower at night to accommodate your needs, perhaps you could incorporate showering together as part of your love-making.

If that doesn’t work and you’re unable to tolerate his natural bed-time body odors, then you may have to reconsider your relationship.

Better to nip it in the bud than to seethe with resentment for years to come.