Ask Anita

Dear Anita:I met someone online three weeks ago and we’ve been out together four times. I like him a lot and I’m very attracted to him physically. He definitely wants to have sex with me, but I’m not sure I’m ready. Is it too soon to become intimate? –-Molly in Minnesota

Dear Molly:

The best time to become sexually intimate is an individual choice.

Some folks still believe in “saving themselves” for marriage. Whereas live-for-the-moment, free-spirited types think nothing of having sex on the first date.

Some people believe you must be “in love” with someone before you sleep with them. While others understand there’s nothing shameful about pure, unadulterated lust.

A number of online dating sites have a separate category for people seeking no-strings-attached intimate encounters. However, based on your question, I’ll assume this is not the category in which you met your current beau.

So what should you do?

Well, first of all, you barely know the man. If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, then becoming intimate with him too soon could potentially cloud your judgment. Once you begin sleeping together, it’s very easy to lose all objectivity and ignore the warning signs of things to come.

Another problem with premature intimacy, is that someone often gets hurt.

You may stop working on getting to know one another outside the bedroom. You may confuse hot sex with a hot relationship and ignore potential problems, until they blow up in your face.

Of course, there’s also the possibility of STDs and AIDS. Sex is never 100% risk-free, so you need to know where this guy’s been and where he goes when you’re not together.

I’d also be suspicious if he’s pressing you to have sex.

Are you the only person he’s dating? If not, how many other women (and/or men) is he having sex with?

I know a woman who became intimate with a man after their second date. After sleeping with him for six months, she pressed him for a commitment. To her shock and surprise, he confessed to being bi-sexual and told her he’d been sleeping with other women and men the entire time he was seeing her. Thank goodness they’d been using a condom.

So… before becoming intimate, make sure you discuss birth control and safe sex. Ask him questions about his sexual history. Has he ever had herpes? Has he been tested for AIDS? How many sexual partners has he had? Is he seeing anyone else besides you?

And listen very carefully to his answers. Watch his body language and pay close attention to any hesitation in his replies.

Also, never sleep with someone out of desperation.

If you do decide to sleep with him, are you mature enough to recognize that sex this early in your relationship doesn’t equal love?

The bottom line?

If you’re not sure, then wait.

Remember to communicate your concerns and ask the right questions. If this man truly cares for you, he’ll be honest with you and respect your decision.

If he refuses to answer your questions or belittles you for being a “prude,” then your decision is easy.

Not only should you NOT have sex with this man – you should cut him loose.

Good luck.