Ask Anita

Dear Anita: I’ve been living with my boyfriend for almost two years. He’s always been super attentive, but it seems to have gotten worse and it’s really starting to bug me. He calls me at work about five times a day to see how I am, which doesn’t sit well with my boss. And when I go out with my girlfriends, it’s hard to have any fun because he calls me on my cell phone every half hour, wanting to know if I’ve been talking to any guys. Last week, I took him to my company picnic and he insisted that all the men I work with were hitting on me. It’s just not true. He also said that I was flirting with them, which I wasn’t. I love my boyfriend very much and I would never cheat on him! How can I get him to trust me and stop checking up on me all the time? –Feeling Smothered

Dear FS:

What you’ve described is not a guy who’s “super attentive,” but someone who’s obsessive, possessive, and jealous to the point of being abusive.

This is not a healthy way for a person to behave. And this is certainly not healthy for you.

Trust is critical to a healthy relationship.

If your boyfriend doesn’t trust you (even while you’re at work!) and if you can’t trust your boyfriend to give you some space and stop accusing you of flirting or being unfaithful, you really need to take action.

For your own mental health and peace of mind, you should probably end your relationship with this man.

To gain some insight, you could try talking to him about his behavior. For instance, you could ask him if he’s been hurt or betrayed by someone in the past. If so, you could point out that you are not that person and it’s unfair for him to take his past-relationship insecurities out on you.

However, even if he admits to having past issues, he’s unlikely to change his behavior. At least not without some intensive therapy.

Also, in my experience, it’s often the jealous one, the accuser, who’s not being totally honest about his own extra-curricular activities. You may wish to turn the tables and ask him if he’s been cheating on you.

Many years ago (when I was very young and naïve), I was in a relationship with a guy like yours. He couldn’t bear it if I innocently glanced at someone on the street. He accused me of wanting to sleep with every man who crossed our paths: from the homely convenience store clerk, to the 60-year-old bus driver, to the mail carrier, to my co-workers, to his friends.

No matter what I said or did or how utterly absurd his accusations, there was no appeasing him.

And to make matters worse, his over-active imagination lead him to believe that since I must be cheating on him, he may as well go ahead and cheat on me.

Imaginary “tit for tat,” as it were.

Even his friends noticed his bizarre behavior and wondered whether he had the potential to be a “wife beater.”

Truth be told, emotional abuse often escalates to physical abuse. So chances are, had I stayed, he would have eventually become physically violent.

I should have left him a good year-and-a-half sooner, but like you, I stayed for two whole years before I did anything about it. And even then, I only broke up with him because I caught him cheating.

He came home one morning (after being out all night) with a huge hickey on his neck. When I asked him about it, he said he fell off his bicycle.

I kid you not.

After I kicked him out, he proceeded to stalk me.

He’d jump out of bushes when I came home from a date, show up at clubs and restaurants when I was out with my friends, call me constantly, begging me to take him back, and bang on my door at all hours of the day and night.

It wasn’t pretty.

Your boyfriend likely has deep-seated emotional issues and requires counseling. If so, there’s precious little you can do to get him to trust you and stop smothering you.

Your best bet is to explain to him that although you love him dearly, you simply can’t live with him under these conditions.

Then leave.

For more information on the signs of emotional abuse, check out this website: womanabuseprevention.com.

Best of luck to you.