Ask Anita

Dear Anita:

I am currently in the Army, serving in Texas at my AIT, and have a girlfriend who lives in Pennsylvania (my home town). She was engaged prior to our dating and lived with the man she was engaged to. They have a three-year-old son and were together for nearly four years.

When we started dating, she was no longer living with him. But since I left for BCT and AIT, she has moved back in with him, due to financial problems.

I love her very much and want our relationship to work, but the relationship she maintains with her ex-fiance is putting a very tough strain on our relationship. I’ve told her many times how I feel, and I don’t know if she is putting the effort into getting back on her feet and no longer being dependent on her ex.

What do I do? –Far Away and Confused

Dear Far Away:

A lot of what I said in my reply to Feeling Stressed applies to your situation as well, but with a couple of major differences:

1. You didn’t voluntarily pursue a long-distance relationship, and

2. Your girlfriend and her ex-fiance have a child together, which means he will always be in her life, whether she is living with him or not.

I get the feeling she may have moved back in with her ex, not so much because of financial problems (although this could be a factor), but because she needs a man in her life.

With you serving in Texas, the loneliness without you and the stress of being a financially unstable single mom may have gotten the best of her. Plus, you didn’t say when you expect to be back home. If you have no way of knowing, this uncertainty may have sent her running back to her ex for emotional support. (After all, if it’s just a financial arrangement, he could have lent her some money. She doesn’t have to live with the guy.)

You also didn’t say how long you two have been dating, but I get the impression it hasn’t been that long. Whereas your girlfriend has a four-year history and a child with a man she almost married, which can greatly overshadow anything the two of you have built together.

Unfortunately, what she did was still pretty dumb. If she’s truly in a committed relationship with you, then you are absolutely correct to assume she is not putting enough effort into getting back on her feet.

With her baby’s daddy around to take care of her at the drop of a hat, she doesn’t have a lot of motivation to take care of herself, now, does she?

So… what do you do?

If you are deeply in love with this woman and were hoping to spend the rest of your life with her, then you’ll have to accept that she will always have a relationship with her ex, for the sake of their son.

But I think the real question is whether or not she is in love with you.

Moving in with one’s ex, for any reason, is not the way a woman in love with another man behaves. She is ignoring your feelings and doesn’t appear to be overly concerned about the state of your relationship with you tucked away in Texas – out of sight, out of mind.

You could tell her you’re ending the relationship because her living arrangements are too stressful for you.

If she truly cares for you, this may be all she needs to wake up and smell the coffee. She may promise to get a job, her own place, and to take responsibility for her life.

If so, then give her a chance to do it… say six months.

But… if at the end of six months, she’s still living with her ex, then, as harsh as this sounds, I’d say she’s just not that into you and you should move on.