Ask Anita

Dear Anita:

Please help! My boyfriend has a great job but he never treats me. We never go out to dinner or for drinks. He ignores Valentine’s Day and our anniversary, and is very secretive about his money.

I’m very kind to him. I don’t have much money, just enough to survive on. We live together and everything is split evenly; we go halves on everything.

I don’t really know if he loves me; he says he does, but never shows it. We have been together six years. I don’t have many friends, as I just moved to a new city, so I don’t have anyone else to talk to about my problems.

I’m quite unhappy in the situation, as I love going out, but I just don’t have enough money to treat him too.

I feel I’m too young to sit in every night missing out on the fun I should be having.

Can you help me? –Miserable and Destitute

Dear MAD:

I apologize for all the exclamation marks, but your letter made me very angry!

Your boyfriend is obviously a stingy, self-centered jerk! Why in the world are you still with him?

It is clear from your letter that the man you’ve been with for the last six years has been taking full advantage of your good nature, loving heart, and naiveté.

In a healthy, equitable, loving relationship it is utterly unfair to split things 50/50, when one partner is more financially stable than the other. Your individual contributions to household expenses should be directly proportionate to the amount of money you bring in.

For instance, if your take-home pay is $800.00 a month and your partner’s is $2,000.00, then your combined monthly income is $2,800.00. You then divide your individual contributions by the total to determine the percentage each of you should be paying for expenses (rent/mortgage, groceries, utilities, etc.).

In the above example, $2000/$2800 means he should be paying 71% of the expenses, and you should be paying the remaining 29%, which would leave you with enough money to go out and have some fun.

If your BF has no interest in going out, then go without him! Why would you even consider treating the stingy bastard if you can’t afford it?!

If he cared one iota about you, he would insist on treating you; he’d acknowledge your anniversary; he’d tell you how much money he makes and what he’s doing with it. While he’s socking away a nest-egg, buying expensive toys (or worse), you’re living in misery. That’s absolutely insane! It’s not like you’re roommates, for goodness’ sake!

I’m sure you already know this, but actions speak much, much louder than words.

He says he loves you, but doesn’t show it. Ergo, you can bet your bottom dollar, he doesn’t love you – at least not in the way you need and deserve to be loved. It seems to me, he’s just using you!

So stop wasting your time and your life on this selfish asshole. You’ve already wasted six precious years!

Don’t even consider paying next month’s rent or any of the utilities, no matter what he says, because you’re going to need that money for your new apartment. If necessary, go stay at the YWCA for a couple of months while you save up for your own place.

You’re unhappy and he’s a creep. Trust me, you don’t need this horrible man in your life!

As advice columnist Dan Savage would say: DTMF (dump the motherfucker)! And do it NOW!