Ask Anita

Dear Anita:

I’ve been seeing “Bob” for about six months. He’s a wonderful person, but he’s dealing with so many problems in his life right now that he’s having a hard time coping.

His wife left him and won’t let him see his kids, which is really frustrating for him. So he drinks a lot to relieve his pain. He’s a total pussycat when he’s sober, but he becomes very angry and unreasonable when he’s drinking.

He’s currently in anger management counseling for assaulting someone in a bar, even though he doesn’t remember doing it.

My friends and family are all telling me that I’m an idiot for dating this guy, but I feel sorry for him because he has so much potential. Someone just needs to give him a chance!

I know if he cut down on his drinking, he’d be fine.

Am I wrong to believe in the man I know he can be? –Seeing the Best in my Beau

Dear Seeing the Best:

You obviously have a kind heart, and it’s admirable for you to think “Bob” deserves a chance.

However, you’re not Bob’s mother, his nurse, or his therapist.

He abuses alcohol, has anger management issues, and is prone to violence—a lethal combination, indeed.

In light of this, I’ll just cut to the chase: you should definitely stop dating this man.

There’s nothing wrong with believing in someone’s potential to change, but you don’t have to be romantically involved with that someone in order to offer your support.

Bob has too many issues to give you what you deserve in a relationship, and sooner or later, you’ll tire of being the giver and caretaker and waiting around for the best in Bob to appear.

I know from experience what it’s like to be around someone who’s sweet when he’s sober, but someone else entirely when he drinks. Trust me on this: unless Bob takes serious control of his drinking, his “potential” isn’t going to ever see the light of day.

You seem a bit naive when you say he needs to “cut down” on his drinking.

If he’s drinking to self-medicate, if he becomes angry and unreasonable when he drinks, if he’s assaulted someone and can’t remember doing it—the man needs professional help.

Fortunately, he’s in an anger-management program right now, so his issues with alcohol will likely be addressed.

According to MayoClinic.com, these are some of the signs and symptoms of alcoholism or alcohol abuse:

• Denies having a drinking problem.
• Drinks alone or in secret.
• Is unable to limit the amount of alcohol he drinks.
• Does not remember conversations or commitments (sometimes referred to as “blacking out”).
• Makes a ritual of having drinks before, with, or after dinner, and becomes annoyed when this ritual is disturbed or questioned.
• Loses interest in activities and hobbies that used to bring pleasure.
• Feels a need or compulsion to drink.
• Becomes irritable when his usual drinking time nears, especially if alcohol isn’t available.
• Keeps alcohol in unlikely places at home, at work, or in the car.
• Gulps drinks, orders doubles, becomes intoxicated intentionally to feel good, or drinks to feel “normal.”
• Has legal problems or problems with relationships, employment, or finances.
• Builds a tolerance to alcohol, so that he needs an increasing number of drinks to feel alcohol’s effects.
• Experiences physical withdrawal symptoms, such as nausea, sweating, and shaking if he doesn’t drink.

Bob probably won’t handle your break-up well. He may even promise to quit drinking for you. However, alcoholics who are not ready to give up their addiction are very good at manipulation.

If he does offer to quit, tell him that you’ll support him as a friend, but you are still ending the relationship.

If it will make you feel less guilty, you could suggest that if he remains sober for, say, the next eight months, you’ll consider getting back together with him then—although, I don’t recommend it. You’ve been seeing him for only six months, so you don’t have a lot invested in the relationship. In which case, a clean break would be the best course of action for both of you.