Ask Anita

Dear Anita:

I was reading the letter from “Can’t Compete,” whose girlfriend is still friendly with her ex.

Well, I have a similar – but weirder – problem. My boyfriend is obsessed with his dead wife.

She died in a car crash over three years ago, but “Charlie” acts as if it happened just yesterday.

He keeps their wedding picture in his wallet and framed photos of the two of them all over his house. He also has a trunk full of “dead wife” memorabilia (poems and letters she wrote while they were dating, matchbooks from restaurants, ticket stubs from concerts, dried flowers from her casket, etc., etc.).

He paws through that stuff constantly, while listening to her favorite CDs and weeping. He hasn’t even removed her clothes from the bedroom closet – which is really creepy.

I understand that he will always love her and he’s entitled to express his grief, but shouldn’t he be moving on already – at least a little?

We met online and I’ve been seeing him regularly for about seven months. So far, I’ve been extremely patient and sympathetic and I do my best to comfort him. But I’m beginning to think our relationship is going nowhere.

What do you think? Should I give up on the guy? –Really, Really Can’t Compete

Dear RRCC:

Wow. Sounds like poor “Charlie” is having an extremely difficult time coping with the loss of his wife.

Considering you met online, one would assume he wants and needs to move on, but his profound grief is obviously holding him back.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, in her ground-breaking book On Death and Dying (published in 1969), identified the following five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Typically, these stages refer to a person’s coping strategy when they receive news of their own impending death. However, other than “bargaining,” I think they make sense for anyone coping with the loss of a loved one.

In Charlie’s case, since he definitely hasn’t reached “acceptance,” he’s likely moving back and forth between the other stages. For instance, his dead wife’s clothes in the closet probably indicate denial. While weeping and reliving the past through memorabilia, no doubt, signal the presence of depression.

The Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA) lists the following emotional phases a person may go through while adjusting to their loss: shock, numbness, bewilderment, a sense of disbelief and possible denial; feelings of emptiness and intense suffering; dreams and/or hallucinations that their loved one is still alive; feelings of despair; feelings of sadness mixed with anger and the inability to feel pleasure, as well as tense, restless anxiety, alternating with lethargy and fatigue. The person may also alternate between avoiding reminders of the deceased and reclaiming memories. (Clearly, Charlie is not avoiding any reminders!)

Furthermore, when a loved one’s death is sudden and/or violent – such as dying in a car accident – grief can be exceptionally difficult and more intense. The bereaved may even suffer from post traumatic stress disorder.

Although grieving is perfectly normal, if the bereaved person’s feelings intensify or don’t go away, according to the CMHA, they may be suffering from “chronic grief” – which seems to describe Charlie to a ‘t’.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t bode well for you. Even though it’s been over three years since his wife’s death, Charlie is clearly not ready to embark upon a new relationship.

The best thing you can do for him right now is encourage him to meet with a bereavement counselor. In fact, I’d recommend you speak to one as well, just to gain some perspective.

I can’t begin to predict how long it might take Charlie to “recover” from his chronic grief. For all I know, it could take years. Are you prepared to wait that long?

Only you can decide how much time and energy you’re willing to invest in this man. Personally, I’d move on. But that’s just me; I’ve never been particularly patient.

And by the way, if you do decide to break up with Charlie, please be gentle. I suspect he doesn’t cope well with being “abandoned.”

Good luck.