Ask Anita

Dear Anita:

I’ve been married to a fantastic woman for ten years. We have three beautiful children, all under the age of nine.

My wife has been a stay-at-home mom ever since we had our first child. Before we were married, we both agreed she would remain at home until the kids were well into their teens, after which she could get a job if she wanted.

I’m the vice-president of a successful company and make good money, so she doesn’t have to work. However, lately she’s been expressing dissatisfaction with this arrangement. She says she’s bored and needs outside stimulation. I don’t mean to sound oppressive, but I really don’t want her working outside the home because I don’t want a stranger raising our kids.

On the other hand, I don’t particularly want an unhappy wife. But then again, we discussed this in advance and I expected her to honor our agreement. What’s your take on the situation? –Old-Fashioned Guy

Dear Old-Fashioned:

You’ve brought up a number of interesting points, which I’ll review one at a time.

1) Communication
As I’ve mentioned time and again, communication is critical to every good relationship.

Something very few people do before marriage is discuss the important issues in advance. It’s commendable that you and your wife had the good sense to do so. And even though things have changed, as long as you continue communicating (calmly and rationally) you’ll eventually arrive at a viable solution.

2) Commitment
Naturally, when two people make a commitment, each expects the other to uphold their side of the bargain. However, because we’re human and because life has a way of throwing us curves, sometimes things don’t turn out exactly the way we planned.

Staying at home until the kids are teens, no doubt, sounded good to your wife – in theory. But the reality of the situation is obviously not what she had envisioned. Although raising one’s children can be challenging and rewarding, some folks just aren’t up for the job.

It’s natural for you to feel somewhat betrayed by your wife’s turn-about, but it’s inevitable that people will change and grow throughout their lifetime. How boring it would be, if we all remained the same from cradle to grave!

3) Happiness
You obviously realize that an unhappy wife will not add anything positive to your relationship, nor will it be healthy for your kids to be around a miserable mom.

However, it’s understandable you’re displeased with her change of heart, when you thought things were running so smoothly. While it’s definitely okay for you to express how you feel, please do not attempt to force her to remain in a situation she no longer finds satisfying.

4) Balance
Perhaps the easiest solution to the problem would be for your wife to work part-time in the evenings, after you’ve returned home from your day at the office.

Of course, this is only a viable solution if you’re willing to care for the children in her absence. Considering you don’t want a stranger raising your kids, I assume you’d be open to this arrangement.

However, if your wife insists on working full time – or during the day – then you’ll have to put your heads together and figure out how to manage.

Would a family member be willing to care for your kids? If not, there are many wonderful nannies and daycare providers out there. As long as you meet with several candidates and ask for references, your children should be in good hands. (You could always install a nanny cam if you’re not sure!)

The bottom line?

Talk things through with your wife. Don’t make her feel guilty for changing her mind, and above-all, don’t argue in front of the kids. They’re little sponges who absorb all kinds of negativity when we’re not looking.

Which is, ultimately, why your wife has to do what she has to do – for the benefit of all concerned.

Good luck.