Ask Anita

No offence guys, but a lot of you could really use some help. You may be educated, good-looking, and smart, but quite frankly, it’s often pretty hard to tell from your online dating profiles and photos.

If you’re already a member of an online dating site or two, you may recognize yourself in these examples. If you haven’t joined one yet, take heed and you’ll have an immediate advantage over your competition.

YOUR PHOTOS

You are competing with thousands of other men, all hoping to attract the attention of a compatible woman. The first thing we see is your photo and we’re scrolling fast. If it isn’t a clear, friendly, true likeness of you, we’ll move on to the next guy.

Your main photo doesn’t have to be taken by a professional photographer, but a decent headshot sure would be nice.

Learn from these far too common, real life mistakes:

1. So there you are mugging for the camera; your photo’s clear and your smile’s friendly. You look like a nice guy. Maybe we’ll check out your profile. But wait. There’s a suspiciously feminine arm draped across your shoulder, or worse, a woman’s snuggled up to you and we can actually see part of her face! Who is that? Your ex-wife? Your girlfriend? Maybe she’s your sister or mother, but we have no way of knowing that, and trust me, we won’t be wasting our time e-mailing you to find out.

2. Here you are reclining on a boat. You look decent; the boat’s nice, but who’s the gal in the bikini laying next to you on the deck? There’s no good reason for her to be in this photo. Maybe you were hoping to appear cool. Your buddies might think so, but no self-respecting woman will give you a second glance.

3. Why do guys persist in using photos with other people in the background? Not only is it distracting, it’s inconsiderate. Do these folks even know their pics have been posted on the internet? Probably not, especially if they’re fellow travelers innocently caught in a shot from your last trip to Alaska.

4. What a nice group photo of you and your pals. Now which one are you exactly? On second thought, your friend in the tux is kind of cute. Is he single?

5. Please do not post photos of yourself posing with your children. Sure you’re proud of them and you want us to know what a great single dad you are. But they have no place on a dating site for everyone to see. Once you get to know someone, by all means, go ahead and share family photos - in private.

6. What is the point of posting an over-exposed, blurry, or dark photo? Not to mention the sunglasses, baseball caps, cowboy hats, wooly toques, fedoras, and party hats, so many of you are wearing. Show us your eyes, your hair, and your head; please don’t hide behind fashion statements or props.

7. High school year book pictures are always amusing, especially if you graduated in 1989! But please, save those for later. We want to know what you look like now!

8. And yes, that’s an adorable puppy in your arms licking – and hiding – your face. Your love of animals is commendable, but it’s still you we want to see.

9. Although your passport photo doesn’t lie, it’s not particularly flattering either. In fact, it looks just like a mug shot. Oh, wait a minute… it is a mug shot! Never mind!

10. Is that a banana in your hand or are you just happy to see me? A number of you are holding unidentifiable objects in your hands – no doubt, special items which are an expression of who you are. Unfortunately, we usually can’t tell from the photo what the heck you’ve got there. So place those photos in the “bonus pics” section (with an explanation) if you simply cannot resist posting them.

11. Do you think you are impressing us with your tongue sticking out? A photo like that only serves to make you look silly, immature, and ridiculous. Next.

12. And here’s a photo of you sitting in your messy living room with dirty laundry and empty beer bottles strewn about. What’s up with that? If this is your best attempt at creating a positive first impression, we’re going to assume things will only get worse.

13. And what is it with guys and cars? Leaning against a sexy car isn’t too bad for a “bonus pic,” but an over-exposed, side-view of you sitting behind the wheel with your seatbelt on? What’s that about?

YOUR PROFILE

1. Don’t show off. Many women are attracted to confidence – not arrogance. Know the difference. Even if you do have the sexiest eyes, the tautest butt, or you’re a tall, dark, and handsome Prince Charming – don’t brag. Let us discover that for ourselves. No matter how attractive you are, showing off simply isn’t.

2. Update your profile. If you haven’t updated it since September 2003, you’re sending a number of negative messages. First of all, it tells us that you’ve been on the site for quite some time, but haven’t developed any new interests or changed one little bit. It also suggests that you might be a) a loser, b) a player, or c) lazy. This is rarely the kind of man the average woman is hoping to meet.

3. Check for errors. Even if your profile is modest and current, take the time to proofread it for typos and grammatical errors.

Here’s the first line of a real life profile: “Im a happy, intelegent, profsional gentleman.” Six words, three errors. Come on! We’re not going to believe you’re an intelligent professional if you’re this sloppy with your prose. Either you’re lying, or you were inebriated when you wrote this. Obviously, not the impression you’re hoping to make.

However, there is one exception: we’ll certainly forgive you if English isn’t your first language. But we’re not mind readers, so please mention this in your profile or your headline. For example: “Hungarian Immigrant Seeks American Girl Next Door.” Spelling errors and misused words can be endearing when read with a sexy foreign accent.

BE REALISTIC

I have a confession to make. Once upon a time, I did something “illegal.” I uploaded a photo of a highly attractive television celebrity (instead of one of myself) and deliberately paired it with a boring, poorly written profile. I did this as an experiment to find out whether the site editors were actually checking for bogus photos and to see what difference it would make to the men browsing the site.

Well, the site editors didn’t notice and the boys went wild! I was overwhelmed with responses from men of all ages, shapes, sizes, and backgrounds. When I removed the photo, I left my profile exactly as it was before. But – you guessed it – the responses pretty much dried right up.

Guys, if you are serious about meeting a compatible woman, you have to do a little more than look for the obvious beauties. At the very least, read the profiles before responding. And when you do respond, have something of substance to say. Comment on our interests, not just our looks. Good-looking women are “hit on” all the time, and if you haven’t even bothered to read our profile, believe me, we won’t be in any hurry to write you back.

And please don’t send photos of yourself in various states of undress, and don’t discuss your sexual prowess in your very first e-mail.

There are often more men than women using the sites, and a single woman could potentially have hundreds of guys to choose from. A clear close-up of your happy, smiling face, combined with a clever alias, an interesting headline, a compelling profile, and a realistic attitude will be sure to attract the kind of woman you want and deserve.

Get this right, and your competition will be left trailing behind in the dust.

Good luck!