Ask Anita

Dear Anita:

I’m a bit of a computer geek, so I have to say that, for me, online dating is the best invention ever!

Unfortunately, I’m rather socially awkward and have trouble taking my online relationships out into the real world.

I’ve met a lot of great guys online, and as long as they stay online, everything’s perfect! But every time I take the next step and meet someone in person, things inevitably fall apart.

When my dates ask me questions and try to draw me into a conversation, I never know what to say. I become tongue-tied and nervous and lose all my confidence.

I’m not surprised I never hear from these guys again. I wouldn’t want to go on another date with myself, either.

Is there anything I can do to stop scaring everyone away? –Tongue-Tied Terri

Dear TTT:

Yes, there are certainly things you can do to keep the conversation flowing, whether it’s your first date or your fifth.

Communicating effectively is a skill like any other, which means it can be learned.

The easiest way for a shy person to have a relatively stress-free conversation, is to get the other person to do most of the talking. You may be an exception, but most people really do like to talk about themselves. So when you’re feeling awkward and at a loss for words, you can keep the spotlight off of you by focusing on your date.

Here’s what you do: Before you meet, do a little preparation in advance. Carefully re-read your date’s profile and e-mails and make some notes. Once you’re out on your date, your job is to find out more about the things he’s already touched on. For instance, if he’s mentioned he likes camping, ask him to tell you about his last trip.

Another trick is to ask open-ended questions to prevent your date from giving ‘yes’ and ‘no’ answers. For example, don’t say, “Did you have a nice weekend?” But rather, “So Bob, what did you do on the weekend?” (But only if his name is Bob.)

Once the ball gets rolling, keep the questions coming.

If Bob says, “Nothing much. Just stayed home and read.” Then you ask, “What did you read?” or “What sorts of books do you enjoy?”

If he says, “I picked up the latest Harry Potter,” then, if you happen to be a Harry Potter fan too, you can discuss the books. Alternately, if you’ve never been interested in wizards and magic, ask him why he thinks the series is so popular.

Another thing you can do, in advance, is take a look at the news. If a headline grabs your attention, read the story, mull over the details and then bring it up. Obscure or strange stories are always good for breaking the ice too.

Take this one, for instance: According to Reuters, a 54-year-old office worker was out on his motorcycle with a group of friends, when he missed a curve and hit the central barrier. Although he felt excruciating pain, he didn’t notice his right leg was missing until he stopped at the next junction!

Or if your date is an animal-lover (which you would already know from his profile or e-mails), ask him if he’s heard about the squirrel in Finland who steals “Kinder Surprise” eggs from a local grocery store. According to the manager, the crafty squirrel visits her store twice a day, heads straight over to the Kinder eggs, removes the foil, eats the chocolate, and leaves with the toy. What could be cuter than that?

And don’t forget humor. You could always tell a joke if you think you can pull it off.

There are all kinds of joke sites on the internet; just google the word “jokes” and you’ll find them.

I found this one on ahajokes.com:

Shakey went to a psychiatrist.

“Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it.

So I get under the bed, and then I think there’s somebody on top of it.

Top, under. Top, under. Top, under.

You gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure you of your fears.”

“How much do you charge?” asked Shakey.

“A hundred dollars per visit,” the shrink replied.

“I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.

“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck’s a visit? said Shakey. “A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”

“Is that so! How?” asked the shrink.

“Well,” Shakey replied, “he told me to cut the legs off my bed!”

Okay… maybe you can find a better one. But you get my point.

And finally, all kidding aside, a little honesty can’t hurt either. Simply tell your date you’re a lot more comfortable online than off and that it will take you a little while to break out of your shell. That, in itself, should reduce the pressure and help you relax.

Good luck.