Ask Anita

Dear Anita:

I’ve been dating Melissa (not her real name) for just over two years, and she says it’s time to get married. I, on the other hand, would prefer to live together before signing my life away.

When I brought up the idea, Melissa went ballistic. She still lives at home, and her extremely religious parents are totally against us “living in sin.”

Melissa’s so afraid of offending them, she didn’t even tell them we met online. They think we met at a church social.

Melissa says if I really loved her, I wouldn’t have a problem with getting married. I understand she doesn’t want to hurt her parents, but it’s our life, not theirs. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a great girl and I do love her. However, I still have some unresolved doubts about our relationship and don’t think rushing into marriage is a good idea.

How can I convince Melissa that living together makes more sense? –Doubting Thomas

Dear DT:

You’d think that in the 21st century, living together would be the most natural thing for a couple to do – whether they intend to eventually tie the proverbial knot or believe it’s okay to share their lives without a piece of paper “legitimizing” their relationship.

However, many folks (especially those of the “older” generation and those holding certain religious views) still believe that online dating is shameful and that living common-law is disgraceful and/or sinful.

I’m personally a huge fan of both online dating and living together.

In your case, living together is definitely preferable to marriage.

Since Melissa is still living with her parents, she hasn’t even had the opportunity to see what it’s like to live on her own – let alone with you. And although it’s admirable that she respects her parents, her willingness to allow them to control her life indicates that she’s not yet a fully functioning adult.

I get the impression you didn’t tell Melissa you had doubts about the relationship. This should be your first order of business. You need to be completely honest with her. If she sees that you are simply not ready to marry, she may back off.

However, if she still refuses to see the value in living together, try pointing out the following:

• Dating someone – seeing them on weekends and occasionally during the week – is completely different from being with someone 24/7.
• When people date, they are (usually) on their best behavior. Whereas living with someone allows you to catch a glimpse of the person’s true colors.
• Living together gives you an opportunity to see how well you, as a couple, manage finances, household responsibilities, conflicts, and crises.
• Loving someone doesn’t necessarily mean you can live with that person. Some people just clash when they share a living space.

I know a couple who broke up because the husband couldn’t get his wife to replace the toilet paper roll when it was done. He was uptight and obsessive; she was free-spirited and relaxed. They dated for three years before they married – but divorced after only six months. This is a perfect example of a couple who should have lived together first!

Better to live together, find out you’re not compatible and split up, than marry someone and have to deal with the (unnecessary) expense of the (usually lavish) wedding, followed by the subsequent trauma (and additional expense) of divorce.

On the other hand, if you’re already having doubts about your relationship, you should ask yourself if even living together is a good idea.

If you’re having personality clashes and disagreements now, then perhaps you’re simply not compatible. Love doesn’t automatically equal compatibility.

Sometimes the longer a couple’s been together and the more they’ve invested in the relationship, the less likely they are to admit they’ve made a mistake. People often get married and have children, hoping to “fix” the problems they’re already having. This never works; problems simply escalate.

So it’s up to you, DT. Only you know your own mind.

If you’re not ready for marriage, do not, under any circumstances, get married.

If Melissa refuses to live with you without the benefit of marriage, you have three choices:

a) Continue dating until you are ready to marry;
b) Keep pointing out the value of living together until she stand ups to her parents and agrees to give cohabitation a try; or
c) If you know in your gut it’s never going to work, do the right thing: stop leading her on, and end the relationship before things get completely out of hand.