Ask Anita

Dear Anita:

I’ve been married for twelve years, and for the most part I’ve been pretty happy. My husband has always been a little too close to his mother, which has caused us some problems in the past, but nothing like the problem we’re having now! Without consulting me at all, my darling husband informed me last week that his mother is moving in with us. I almost fainted! I immediately said, “Absolutely not!” And he said I don’t have a say in the matter, it’s already been decided.

His mother was widowed about a year ago and she’s obviously very lonely. However, I don’t believe we are obligated to fill the void left by the death of my father-in-law. She’s not in poor health and she has plenty of money to live on her own. At any rate, I simply do not want her living in my house. We don’t have any kids and I like things the way they are. If she does move in, I’ll be miserable and I don’t think our marriage will survive it. How can I convince my husband to listen to me? –Going Crazy

Dear GC:

Ah, the dreaded mother-in-law conundrum. Shame on your husband for having made such a lifestyle-altering decision without consulting you. His behavior indicates he has little respect for you and places his mother’s happiness above yours.

Be that as it may, this is clearly a difficult situation if your husband feels an obligation to take care of his mother. What he doesn’t seem to understand is if you’re unhappy, he’ll be unhappy too.

Have you told your husband you don’t think your marriage will survive if his mother moves in? If so, perhaps he is not taking you seriously, or perhaps he’s just not listening.

You didn’t mention how far away your mother-in-law currently lives, but I assume it isn’t nearby. If you can tolerate her company, perhaps she could move into your neighborhood. This would ease her loneliness, your husband could visit any time he wants, and you’d still have your privacy and peace of mind.

I’d suggest you sit down with your husband and calmly explain to him how truly awful this is for you. He may be rejecting your point of view because he hasn’t thought about it rationally. Let’s face it, some mothers can be very manipulative. Is there any chance your hubby’s being conned?

You should also point out to your husband that nothing will bring his father back. Whether his mother moves in with you or not, she’ll still miss her husband and she’ll still be lonely.

Appeal to his sense of fairness. If he truly loves you and cares about your marriage, he’ll do the right thing. Remind him you’ve had twelve good years. Does he really want to throw that away?

If he refuses to be reasonable, perhaps you could convince him to see a marriage counselor with you. He might be more responsive with a professional mediating the situation.

And finally, you could always call your mother-in-law and tell her the truth about how you feel. If she has any consideration for you and your relationship with her son, she won’t want to move in, knowing how uncomfortable and unhappy it would make you – and, ultimately, her as well.