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No Bull! Older Woman Dating Younger Man at Work May 24, 2009

Posted by Anita in Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships, Since You Asked.
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Dear Anita:

I just started a relationship with a man who is 35 and I am 54. I do not look or act 54; he doesn’t care about my age and I don’t care about his. Unfortunately, I have two sons who are 23 and 26 years of age.

After many years of thinking I am not worthy, I am having a hard time adjusting to this. I do not sleep around, but I don’t want to be used either.

I am not wealthy, just a fun-loving, hard-working executive with a company, and I do happen to work with this gentleman.

I have never been one to call someone and ask them to meet me. Should I grab the horns of the bull and be more assertive? -Hot but Hesitant

Dear HBH:

I’m a little confused by your question.

If you’re already in a relationship with this man, why would you feel uncomfortable calling him to “meet”? Relationships are two-way streets, so it only makes sense that you would initiate some of your get-togethers.

No offence, but is there any chance you’re misinterpreting his intentions? I once worked with a woman who’d convinced herself that the relationship she had with one of our suppliers was something more. She had a crush on him, and every time he called to discuss business, she believed he was calling because he was romantically interested in her. Occasionally, he’d suggest they meet at a coffee shop around the corner (rather than the office), which is what confused her. But it was quite obvious to me that his interest in her was purely professional.

Assuming you are not similarly deluded, there’s absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t call your beau any time you want. You’re already “breaking the rules” by dating a man almost 20 years your junior, so there’s no need to be shy or “old-fashioned” about it now.

You mention the ages of your sons, but other than your use of the word “unfortunately,” you don’t say they have a problem with your boyfriend – or vice versa. In which case, you have no reason to be concerned or embarrassed.

Life is too short to second guess your happiness, especially if you’ve felt unworthy for so many years.

Age differences aside, you’re both consenting adults – so have as much sex as you want. If you genuinely like each other, then you’re not being used. Is there any reason for you to believe he has ulterior motives – such as a promotion at work, for instance?

You say you’re an executive at a company. Does this man report to you in any way? If so, you may wish to rethink your relationship based on that. As a rule of thumb, bosses should not date subordinates, so you don’t want to jeopardize your job over this or be accused of showing favoritism to one of your employees.

But if none of this applies… then, absolutely, go ahead, take the bull by the horns and enjoy the ride!

Is My Boyfriend Sincere? May 24, 2009

Posted by Anita in Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships, Since You Asked.
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Dear Anita:

My boyfriend and I dated for two years before he and I agreed to take a one-month break from one another (because of college, our jobs, etc.). We just got back together and he’s now telling me he wants more of a commitment than we had before.

I was dumbfounded, because a lot of guys are afraid of commitment and it freaked me out.

Is it normal for the guy in a relationship to be asking for the commitment rather than the girl? Or is he just up to something? -Blown Away

Dear Blown:

You’re right. A lot of guys appear to be afraid of commitment, but there’s nothing abnormal about a guy who brings it up first. In fact, it’s quite refreshing, and many women would kill to be in your shoes.

You were together for two years before you took a one-month break, so your boyfriend obviously missed you when you were apart and doesn’t want to lose you again. If you haven’t any reason to suspect he’s messing with your head, then I can only assume he’s sincere.

But the fact that you’re “freaked out” and “dumbfounded” suggests to me that you might be the one who’s not ready for a full-blown commitment. In which case, you don’t have to say ‘yes.’

Communication is critical to all good relationships, and you need to share your concerns with your boyfriend. Most importantly, you have to be honest with yourself.

If you feel pressured, say so. If you’re not ready for a deeper commitment, admit it.

Because rushing into things will not strengthen your relationship, especially if you begin to feel trapped. And if you begin to feel trapped, you’ll start resenting him and things will only go down hill from there.

It’s possible he’ll break up with you if you refuse to take things to the next level. In which case, he’s not the guy for you. But if he loves you enough to ask for a commitment, he’ll love you enough to wait.

However, if you know in your heart and your gut that he’s not “the one,” please don’t lead him on until someone better comes along. He sounds like a good guy, and he deserves your honesty and respect.

Widow’s Son Unhappy with Mom Dating May 23, 2009

Posted by Anita in Advice for Seniors, Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships.
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Dear Anita:

I am a widow of two years who was married for 29. We had one son together and he’s now 28. I have found someone I like spending time with, but my son is having a really hard time with this and is giving me a hard time too.

I lied to him about where I was and who I was with only one time, and I know I should not have done that. He was checking up on me and found out that I was lying, which has made matters even worse. I told him that I was sorry, but he’s still angry.

I don’t want to have to deal with him throwing another fit, but I don’t want to stop dating, and I don’t want to lie to him again either.

What should I do? -Hissy Fit’s Mom

Dear HFM:

Wow. Your son’s 28 and throwing tantrums like a 5-year-old. He’s obviously still grieving deeply for his dad and sees your need for companionship as being disrespectful to his father’s memory.

I also get the impression he lives with you – otherwise why would you feel the need to tell him where you are and with whom, and why would he be “checking up” on you?

Either way, you have every right to date, and you have no obligation to share the details of your private life with your fully grown son. This doesn’t mean you have to lie about it. Instead, when he asks where you’ve been and with whom, simply say you’d rather not discuss it – especially when you know any disclosure on your part will result in “another fit.”

Assure your son that you loved your husband (assuming this is true), but he’s gone now, and you aren’t required to be miserable for the rest of your life because of his death.

If your son can’t deal with his own grief nor understand your need to move on with your life, the boy needs counseling. Furthermore, if you do live under the same roof and he continues to be intolerant of the choices you make – it’s time for him to move out.

Am I Leading Her On? May 22, 2009

Posted by Anita in Advice for Men, Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships, Online Dating, Since You Asked.
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Dear Anita:

I have a question related to your post Are You Leading Women On? This is my situation:

Jacky and I met online and went on a couple of dates. I told her on the second date that I was not about to get physically involved with anyone until I knew them pretty well – that I wanted to find a friend first and a lover second.

I also questioned inside myself whether I would ever be sufficiently physically attracted to Jacky to ever get past being a friend. But it’s happened before, so I figured there was no harm in seeing if it would happen again.

On the fourth date, I told her that I didn’t see us going anywhere past friends, but she continued to want to be friends, so I continue to see her every week or so – no physical contact, just doing things. Yet I strongly suspect she’s hoping I’ll change my mind.

I, on the other hand, just like her company. But I don’t want to keep rubbing it in her face that I’m not interested in more, and I don’t want to lead her on.

What is my responsibility here? -Nice Guy Wannabe

Dear Nice Guy:

Good for you for being honest with yourself and with Jacky. You’ve already done the responsible thing by letting her know that you like her as a friend and nothing more.

However, if you suspect she’s hoping you’ll change your mind – you’re probably right. I’ve seen this happen in my own life, as well as in the lives of my friends.

But I can tell you from personal experience, it can become rather tedious to be around someone who’s got a huge crush on you when you have no intention of ever reciprocating his or her feelings.

Plus, you don’t know what she’s saying to other people when you’re not around. She may be referring to you as her boyfriend, and she’s likely analyzing your every word and gesture for signs that you really are interested. She could have deluded herself into thinking you “aren’t ready” or have “commitment issues,” rather than accepting the fact that you’re just not into her the way she’d like you to be.

So I recommend you ask yourself a couple of questions. Do you really need a friend like that in your life? Wouldn’t it be kinder to set her free and give her the opportunity to meet someone else? Because, in a way, you are leading her on by giving her hope. As faint as that hope may be, I’m sure she thinks she still has a chance with you as long as she remains in your life. Not to mention the jealousy she’ll feel when you become romantically involved with someone else.

For Jacky’s sake, I suggest you limit your availability to perhaps monthly get-togethers or even less, until she finds herself a “real” boyfriend. If she’s still interested in being friends with you after that, then by all means remain friendly. But chances are, once she finds a man to replace her fantasies of being with you, she’ll be the one severing the ties.

Is He Her Dirty Little Secret? May 22, 2009

Posted by Anita in Advice for Men, Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships, Since You Asked.
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Dear Anita:

Well, I have quite a predicament on my hands.

I am in a relationship with a woman who is very dear to me. But I am confused as to where I stand with her.

She is in school right now, and I work more than 40 hours a week at a job which is a night shift. We hardly get to see each other, and it’s already gotten to the point of a big blow-out fight. But we both took responsibility for what happened and are somewhat okay now.

But the issue I have is that she still lives with her ex, who she was in a six-year relationship with. I’ve been understanding, though cautious, due to the old residue from my own ex. And I don’t want to accuse her of deception, because I love her very much.

But my problem is that I can’t call her or go by her house, because if he finds out about us, she’ll be kicked out. I don’t want to cause her any problems, and in a way I believe she is only still there because of money issues. But I don’t want to hide how I feel about her to anyone. And I don’t want to be anyone’s dirty little secret, if that is the case.

This has been bothering me for quite awhile now, and I just don’t know what to do. I am 100% sure that I love her, and when it comes to her loving me, I hope that it’s true, because I don’t want to be anyone’s fool. Do you think I should make this known to her? -Feeling Very Foolish

Dear Feeling:

I’m going to be blunt here, because I think you already know the answer to your question.

If you can’t call her or go by her house, you’re not in a healthy relationship, and you’d be a fool not to make your feelings known to her.

You’ll have to ask her some hard questions and pay close attention to her answers.

If she’s living with her ex for financial reasons only – and if he truly is her ex – then how is it any of his business who she’s dating? Why would he kick her out if he found out she had a new boyfriend? It doesn’t make any sense.

Is she cheating on him? Is he an abusive control freak? Is there something else going on that she’s not telling you?

Of course you’re bothered by this! She’s hiding your relationship, which is neither loving nor respectful. For reasons unknown to you, you most certainly are her “dirty little secret” – and it’s foolish of you to put up with it.

The bottom line?

If she can’t provide satisfactory answers to your questions, or if she refuses to date you openly, then I recommend you cut your losses and end the relationship. I’m sure you realize how silly it is to be with someone who won’t acknowledge your existence.

Good luck.