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Should I Try Speed Dating? June 22, 2009

Posted by Anita in Advice for Men, Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships, Online Dating, Since You Asked.
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Dear Anita:

I’ve been a member of a few online dating sites over the last couple of years and I’ve been on a lot of dates. I’ve even remained friends with some of the men I’ve dated. But so far, I haven’t met the “man of my dreams.”

I’m thinking of giving speed dating a try, but I’m not sure if it’s for me. Can you tell me a little bit about how speed dating works, and do you think it’s a good way to meet a potential life partner? –Speedy Gonzales

Dear Speedy:

Before I get into the ins and outs of speed dating, here’s a bit of trivia for you:

The term “SpeedDating” (one word) is actually a registered trademark of the American Friends of Aish HaTorah, Western Region, Inc., and was invented in Los Angeles, California, by Rabbi Yaacov Dayo and his students. The first official SpeedDating event (also known as “round robin dating”) was held in 1998 at Pete’s Cafe in Beverly Hills.

How Does Speed Dating Work?

Speed dating is much like blind dating, without the pressure, expectations, and/or good intentions of a concerned friend or family member.

But not all speed dating events are alike, as the number of minutes and the number of “dates” vary from event to event, and not all companies publish a schedule.

At SpeedDating.com, for example, you become a member for free, select an event near you, sign up, and then pay the event fee. This is how it works:

• An equal number of single men and women gather together at a specified location (usually a cafe or something similar).

• The venue is filled with tables for two, and each table is numbered.

• At the appointed time, one man and one woman are paired up at each table where they have seven minutes to talk. Participants are also given suggested topics to help break the ice.

• At the end of seven minutes, the host rings a bell and all “dates” come to a halt. Participants are asked to check either “yes” or “no” on their match cards to indicate whether they’d be interested in seeing their “date” again.

• The men then get up from their seats and move to the next table where another woman is waiting.

• At the end of sixty minutes, you’ll have been on seven mini dates.

• When it’s over, the SpeedDating host collects all the match cards and tallies the results. Within 48 hours, the participants with mutual “yes” responses are contacted and provided with their match’s name(s) and phone number(s).

Speeddating.com also offers some good suggestions for making the most of each seven-minute date. Here are a few of them:

 1. Talk about something other than where your date lives or what he/she does for a living. Have a fresh conversation about your favorite book or movie, where you last went on vacation, or how your life would change if you won the lottery.

2. Do not ask for your date’s phone number, address, or last name. And don’t ask if they are interested in seeing you again.

3. When you check the “yes” box, this means you’ve committed to a phone call with that person – even if you change your mind later or you want to date someone else first. If you receive more than one mutual match, date one person at a time. Decide whom you want to see first, and then make a courtesy call to let your other matches know you’re unavailable and that you’ll let them know if/when your situation changes.

4. If you enjoyed your seven-minute conversation, SpeedDating.com suggests you check the “yes” box – even if you didn’t feel any initial physical chemistry. (Because sometimes it takes time for chemistry to develop.)

Fastlife.com, on the other hand, is a bit different. You register with their site, tell them about yourself and the kind of person you’d like to meet, and they tailor the guest list to your specifications. Their events – which are by invitation only – are like fancy cocktail parties, complete with drinks and h’ordourves. Fastlife claims that over 90% of their guests match with at least one person at each event. (I can’t vouch for this statistic, but it certainly sounds good. So you may wish to check them out.)

You also ask whether speed dating is a good way to meet a potential life partner.

Sure; it can be. But it’s really no different from meeting someone at work, the laundromat, at church, at a party or at a bar, in that there are no guarantees. However, by getting yourself out there, you’re obviously going to increase your odds. To rephrase that famous line from Forest Gump: dating’s like a box of chocolates, you never know who you’re going to get.

To that end, I’d say speed dating is preferable to online dating (especially if you attend a lot of different events), because you’re forced to meet people face to face rather than spending weeks, months, or even years hiding behind a computer screen.

To find a speed dating event near you, just google “speed dating” followed by the name of your city and you should find a good selection.

Have fun!

Do You Think I’m a Lesbian? June 16, 2009

Posted by Anita in Advice for GLBT, Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships, Online Dating, Since You Asked.
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1 comment so far

Dear Anita:

Recently, I have been questioning my sexuality. I’ve never done this before, but after being hurt by a relationship, I feel completely turned off by men. I’ve been focusing on women a lot, and I don’t know if that is because of my self-esteem issues with my body (I was overweight when I was younger) or if it is something more.

I really don’t think I’m a lesbian because I’ve always seen myself in relationships with men. But because I’ve been focusing on women so much and the idea is in my head, I keep thinking about the possibility. I’ve never thought about anything sexually with another woman, and when I masturbate, I picture myself in sexy scenes with a male. But is having this image of a woman (being me) more predominant than the image of the male saying something?

Please help. I’m very confused. -Turned Off, But Not Turned On?

Dear Turned Off:

One of the biggest clues to our sexuality is what we fantasize about when we masturbate. “Sexy scenes” with men signal to me that you are primarily heterosexual. The fact that your own image is featured more predominantly in your fantasies than the men you’re with could be an indication of how focused you are on your own pleasure. Or if the men you fantasize about are just random males, as opposed to men you actually know, it makes sense that their images would be somewhat fuzzier than your own.

If you read my May 19, 2008 answer to “Help! I’m Confused About My Sexuality!” you’ll recall that virtually no one is 100 percent gay or 100 percent straight. If you were leaning toward lesbianism or a clear case of bisexuality, you’d know it, because you’d become sexually aroused in the presence of women you find attractive – or at the very least – be entertaining some lesbian fantasies.

It’s natural to be turned off by men when we’ve been hurt badly by one (or two or three). And there’s nothing wrong with keeping our distance until we’re ready to date again. Add to the mix low self-esteem and body-image issues, and it’s not at all surprising you would feel more comfortable around other women.

But that doesn’t make you a lesbian. It’s just that we often find it easier to communicate with members of our own sex (especially post breakup), and we can certainly love our girlfriends without desiring them sexually.

However, if you’re still not sure, why not experiment a little? Try kissing some girls (with their consent, of course). If you find someone who turns you on, take it to the next level and see how you feel in the morning.

If you don’t know any women who’d be interested in helping you test the waters, check out your local gay/lesbian community listings. Attend some events, make some friends, and see where that takes you. Or you could always try meeting people through some of the gay/lesbian online dating sites that have “friendship” categories.

And if you still have concerns, Pink Triangle Services (PTS) has some information you might find helpful. Click here to read “I think I might be lesbian – now what do I do?”

Good luck, and most of all… love your body, love yourself, and have fun with your sexuality.

Should I Stay or Should I Go? June 15, 2009

Posted by Anita in Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships, Since You Asked.
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Dear Anita:

I have been seeing a man for almost three years and he is so wonderful. But I have learned that his son is an alcoholic and suffers from major depression.

A year into our relationship, the son moved in with his father and has been with him now for two years – with no end in sight. He will not get help and claims that he needs his dad.

It has definitely put a strain on our relationship and we try to see one another, but the son is extremely manipulative and the father is an enabler. I have suggested we go to counseling – private as well as Al-Anon – but the father won’t do either. I feel that I am at a dead end, but am very much in love with this man and he is in love with me. I just don’t know what to do with this relationship.

Part of my heart tells me to leave him and I have suggested that to him. I have told him his son needs him right now, and when he gets his son straight and he has the emotional energy and time for me, then we can move forward with a relationship. He won’t hear of it.

I have even suggested breaks from one another so that he won’t feel the pressure of trying to maintain a relationship, but he fears that someone else will find me and he will lose me. I am so confused on what to do. -Torn

Dear Torn:

Oh what a pickle you’re in.

You’re in love with a wonderful man who feels the same way about you. But as long as his clinically depressed, alcoholic son remains under his roof and refuses to get help – and as long as your beau continues to allow his son to take advantage of his good nature – I’m afraid you’re in for a long and tumultuous ride.

Unless your partner is a trained addictions counselor, he will never succeed in “getting his son straight.” Never. Professional intervention is absolutely required. Alcoholics – especially severely depressed ones – do not spontaneously recover. And when a parent or other family member enables them to continue down their path of self-destruction, they often get worse.

As you’ve noticed, addicts, in the throes of their addictions, are sneaky, manipulative liars. They lie to themselves and they lie to others. Adding fuel to the fire is that alcohol is a depressant, which only serves to exacerbate any underlying psychological problems the addict may have.

I realize you’ve invested three years of your life with this man. But since you’re not living together, I’ll assume you’re a strong, independent woman. And since he won’t even consider Al-Anon or private counseling – either with or without you – apparently, he’s not as wonderful as you think he is, nor is he that afraid of losing you, or he’d do it – if not for himself – then out of respect for you and your feelings.

The bottom line?

If your boyfriend cannot find the courage to stop protecting and enabling his son, and if he continues to reject professional help, I strongly suggest you untangle yourself from this highly dysfunctional web of codependence, and move on.

The fact is: love doesn’t conquer all, and you deserve better, don’t you?

Should I Leave Someone When They’re Down on Their Luck? June 4, 2009

Posted by Anita in Advice for Men, Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships, Online Dating, Since You Asked.
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Dear Anita:

I met this awesome guy online. But three weeks after we began dating, he was fired from his job. It’s been two months now and he hasn’t found another. He says he’s been looking, but I’m not convinced he really is. To make matters worse, he’s talking about moving in with his parents (or me!) if he can’t come up with next month’s rent.

I hate to kick someone when they’re down, but I’m thinking of breaking up with him. Since he doesn’t have any money, I pay for everything when we go out, and it’s not like I’m Ms. Moneybags! What do you think? Am I an awful person for wanting to end a relationship just because someone’s unemployed? –Judging Harshly in Omaha

Dear Judging:

As someone who’s been there, done that (several times!) I’ve learned the hard way that most unemployed boyfriends (or husbands) are not worth your time, energy, empathy or financial support.

Now, before my readers take me to task for discriminating against the unemployed – especially in these difficult economic times – allow me to explain.

I’ve been unemployed myself and so have many perfectly decent people I know. However, when a relationship’s as new as yours, your boyfriend’s unemployed status is bound to create immediate tension – especially since he was fired!

What events precipitated the firing? Was it justified? The answers he supplies to these questions could give you some real insight into the boy’s character.

So, let’s take stock: You’re the only wage earner; you pay for everything when you go out; you suspect he’s not actually looking for another job; and you obviously resent the situation.

Curiously, you’re not asking whether or not you should end the relationship. You seem pretty clear about that. You’re simply wondering whether this makes you “an awful person.”

The short answer is: Of course not. You’ve known the guy for less than three months. Frankly, you don’t owe him anything.

When you begin dating someone, you should at least start out on equal footing. Even if one of you makes $20,000 a year and the other $75,000, the unspoken understanding is that you’re both capable of supporting yourselves. If the person making 75K offers to treat, that’s his or her prerogative – not an obligation.

But in your case, JHIO, your boyfriend’s completely broke. If you can’t find mutually satisfying stuff to do that doesn’t involve your pocketbook, then you’re stuck paying every single time.

And his suggestion that he move in with you, is a bad, bad idea. Do not under any circumstances allow this to happen. You should never move in with someone you barely know, let alone with someone who isn’t gainfully employed.

If you really like this guy, encourage him to do what it takes to get himself back on his feet. If that means moving in with his folks, so be it. But be very clear that he will not be moving in with you, and for the time being, you won’t be seeing each other either.

You need to conserve your cash, and he needs to focus his energies on securing another job. As any employment counselor will tell him: looking for a job is a full time job.

If you’re meant to be together, you can always hook up again once his life is back to normal.

Gay Couple with Child Being Bullied by Deadbeat Ex June 3, 2009

Posted by Anita in Advice for GLBT, Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships, Since You Asked.
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Dear Anita:

I’m a 28-year-old gay female who’s been dating the love of my life for about two years now.

For the most part, it is a very, very healthy relationship, but we have a few things working against us: her family is from the Soviet Union and being gay – let alone divorced – is completely sinful, and also, her ex-husband is still waiting for her to “come to her senses.”

There is a child involved, and my greatest concern is for his happiness and well-being. However, that has meant me not speaking my mind about certain aspects of her friendship that she still maintains with her ex-husband. She’s his best friend, and only one, because it seems that he has not completely moved on.

He used to come over and spend time with their son while I was not home, and last Christmas, he was there in the morning. When I finally spoke up and set boundaries that I thought were healthy, my girlfriend reacted badly. She’s trying to make the both of us happy, while I am trying to build a life with her. I understand that her son has a father, but I do not feel that entitles him to be a part of my life on a regular basis.

She already has the stress of that, plus her family not knowing that she is gay – but she does not receive child support either. Any time I give her advice on this as well, she thinks I am trying to start a vendetta against her ex. I’m simply thinking about our future. And if her future includes me, that will affect us. I help pay for a lot of things for her son, because she is too scared to ask her ex-husband for help. Any time the subject comes up, he threatens her with taking her son away because she is gay.

It’s blatant and apparent that he is still in love with my girlfriend, and I am not concerned about her returning the feelings because I know where her heart lies. But she is being pulled in two different directions, and I know it is difficult for her and I try to understand, but I do not know how to make her realize that boundaries need to be set with her ex. I do not want her to resent me for this later down the road. I feel like I am crazy for simply wanting to come second in her life – after her child, of course.

Please help. –Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Dear Stuck:

I assume you are living in a province or state where child support is mandatory, but gay rights are limited or non-existent – thus creating a huge conundrum for you, your partner and her son.

Add to that: a) a family who doesn’t know she’s gay and considers her a “sinner” for divorcing; b) a bully of an ex-husband who won’t pay child support and uses their son as a pawn to control her; and c) you, stuck in the middle, trying to set reasonable boundaries with a woman you love – I can certainly see why you’re feeling a bit “crazy.” It’s a crazy situation and I feel your frustration.

Unfortunately, there is no easy solution to your problem because the discriminatory, unconstitutional laws of the land are against you.

If your partner were “straight,” she could simply ask a judge to enforce child support payments, and the boy’s “deadbeat dad” would be ordered to pay. But because she’s gay, her ex holds most (if not all) of the cards, and this man – no matter how unfit – could very well succeed in obtaining custody of their child.

Even if you and your partner were to move to another state, province, or country where your human rights are upheld (an option I’d seriously consider), your girlfriend’s ex would likely seek a court order barring her from leaving with their son. However, since I don’t know where you live, I can’t definitively state what rights your partner has or doesn’t have. Therefore, I strongly suggest you speak to a gay-friendly family law attorney (most give free consultations) to determine whether anything can be done. If your partner refuses to speak to a lawyer, please do it yourself because you won’t know anything for certain unless you ask.

By refusing to pay child support and threatening to take their son away, her despicable ex is using the boy, his ex-wife and her sexual orientation for purely selfish reasons. This is not the behavior of someone who “loves” his ex or his son, and he shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it.

I realize your partner’s afraid of losing her child (and if her ex isn’t bluffing, her fears are justified), but unless or until she stands up to this controlling man, you will never be a priority to her. This situation is not healthy and is stressful for all concerned.

Assuming you live in a place where you have no rights as a lesbian couple and she has limited rights as a gay mother, you have some difficult decisions to make.

Because they have a child together – even if/when the laws are changed – your girlfriend’s ex will always be in her life. And unless he steps up to the plate – or your girlfriend gets over her fears and asks the courts to enforce support payments – this additional financial burden will be an ever-present cloud hanging over your heads.

Furthermore, if your partner refuses to respect your boundaries and acknowledge you as an equal partner in this relationship, it isn’t she who will resent you down the road, but rather you who will resent her. You may believe she’s the “love of your life,” but that’s only true if she reciprocates your feelings and behaves accordingly. (Remember, actions speak louder than words.)

The bottom line?

If (after conferring with a lawyer) you are convinced the law isn’t on your side, and if your partner continues to be bullied by her ex, and if your boundaries continue to be disrespected, then you can continue living in this unhappy, unhealthy situation “’til death do you part,” or – as difficult as it will be – you can cut your losses and move on.

Life is short… don’t waste yours waiting for someone else to change.

I wish you the very best. Thank you for writing.