Ask Anita

Dear Anita:

I’m a 28-year-old gay female who’s been dating the love of my life for about two years now.

For the most part, it is a very, very healthy relationship, but we have a few things working against us: her family is from the Soviet Union and being gay – let alone divorced – is completely sinful, and also, her ex-husband is still waiting for her to “come to her senses.”

There is a child involved, and my greatest concern is for his happiness and well-being. However, that has meant me not speaking my mind about certain aspects of her friendship that she still maintains with her ex-husband. She’s his best friend, and only one, because it seems that he has not completely moved on.

He used to come over and spend time with their son while I was not home, and last Christmas, he was there in the morning. When I finally spoke up and set boundaries that I thought were healthy, my girlfriend reacted badly. She’s trying to make the both of us happy, while I am trying to build a life with her. I understand that her son has a father, but I do not feel that entitles him to be a part of my life on a regular basis.

She already has the stress of that, plus her family not knowing that she is gay – but she does not receive child support either. Any time I give her advice on this as well, she thinks I am trying to start a vendetta against her ex. I’m simply thinking about our future. And if her future includes me, that will affect us. I help pay for a lot of things for her son, because she is too scared to ask her ex-husband for help. Any time the subject comes up, he threatens her with taking her son away because she is gay.

It’s blatant and apparent that he is still in love with my girlfriend, and I am not concerned about her returning the feelings because I know where her heart lies. But she is being pulled in two different directions, and I know it is difficult for her and I try to understand, but I do not know how to make her realize that boundaries need to be set with her ex. I do not want her to resent me for this later down the road. I feel like I am crazy for simply wanting to come second in her life – after her child, of course.

Please help. –Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Dear Stuck:

I assume you are living in a province or state where child support is mandatory, but gay rights are limited or non-existent – thus creating a huge conundrum for you, your partner and her son.

Add to that: a) a family who doesn’t know she’s gay and considers her a “sinner” for divorcing; b) a bully of an ex-husband who won’t pay child support and uses their son as a pawn to control her; and c) you, stuck in the middle, trying to set reasonable boundaries with a woman you love – I can certainly see why you’re feeling a bit “crazy.” It’s a crazy situation and I feel your frustration.

Unfortunately, there is no easy solution to your problem because the discriminatory, unconstitutional laws of the land are against you.

If your partner were “straight,” she could simply ask a judge to enforce child support payments, and the boy’s “deadbeat dad” would be ordered to pay. But because she’s gay, her ex holds most (if not all) of the cards, and this man – no matter how unfit – could very well succeed in obtaining custody of their child.

Even if you and your partner were to move to another state, province, or country where your human rights are upheld (an option I’d seriously consider), your girlfriend’s ex would likely seek a court order barring her from leaving with their son. However, since I don’t know where you live, I can’t definitively state what rights your partner has or doesn’t have. Therefore, I strongly suggest you speak to a gay-friendly family law attorney (most give free consultations) to determine whether anything can be done. If your partner refuses to speak to a lawyer, please do it yourself because you won’t know anything for certain unless you ask.

By refusing to pay child support and threatening to take their son away, her despicable ex is using the boy, his ex-wife and her sexual orientation for purely selfish reasons. This is not the behavior of someone who “loves” his ex or his son, and he shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it.

I realize your partner’s afraid of losing her child (and if her ex isn’t bluffing, her fears are justified), but unless or until she stands up to this controlling man, you will never be a priority to her. This situation is not healthy and is stressful for all concerned.

Assuming you live in a place where you have no rights as a lesbian couple and she has limited rights as a gay mother, you have some difficult decisions to make.

Because they have a child together – even if/when the laws are changed – your girlfriend’s ex will always be in her life. And unless he steps up to the plate – or your girlfriend gets over her fears and asks the courts to enforce support payments – this additional financial burden will be an ever-present cloud hanging over your heads.

Furthermore, if your partner refuses to respect your boundaries and acknowledge you as an equal partner in this relationship, it isn’t she who will resent you down the road, but rather you who will resent her. You may believe she’s the “love of your life,” but that’s only true if she reciprocates your feelings and behaves accordingly. (Remember, actions speak louder than words.)

The bottom line?

If (after conferring with a lawyer) you are convinced the law isn’t on your side, and if your partner continues to be bullied by her ex, and if your boundaries continue to be disrespected, then you can continue living in this unhappy, unhealthy situation “’til death do you part,” or – as difficult as it will be – you can cut your losses and move on.

Life is short… don’t waste yours waiting for someone else to change.

I wish you the very best. Thank you for writing.