Ask Anita

Dear Anita:

I met this awesome guy online. But three weeks after we began dating, he was fired from his job. It’s been two months now and he hasn’t found another. He says he’s been looking, but I’m not convinced he really is. To make matters worse, he’s talking about moving in with his parents (or me!) if he can’t come up with next month’s rent.

I hate to kick someone when they’re down, but I’m thinking of breaking up with him. Since he doesn’t have any money, I pay for everything when we go out, and it’s not like I’m Ms. Moneybags! What do you think? Am I an awful person for wanting to end a relationship just because someone’s unemployed? –Judging Harshly in Omaha

Dear Judging:

As someone who’s been there, done that (several times!) I’ve learned the hard way that most unemployed boyfriends (or husbands) are not worth your time, energy, empathy or financial support.

Now, before my readers take me to task for discriminating against the unemployed – especially in these difficult economic times – allow me to explain.

I’ve been unemployed myself and so have many perfectly decent people I know. However, when a relationship’s as new as yours, your boyfriend’s unemployed status is bound to create immediate tension – especially since he was fired!

What events precipitated the firing? Was it justified? The answers he supplies to these questions could give you some real insight into the boy’s character.

So, let’s take stock: You’re the only wage earner; you pay for everything when you go out; you suspect he’s not actually looking for another job; and you obviously resent the situation.

Curiously, you’re not asking whether or not you should end the relationship. You seem pretty clear about that. You’re simply wondering whether this makes you “an awful person.”

The short answer is: Of course not. You’ve known the guy for less than three months. Frankly, you don’t owe him anything.

When you begin dating someone, you should at least start out on equal footing. Even if one of you makes $20,000 a year and the other $75,000, the unspoken understanding is that you’re both capable of supporting yourselves. If the person making 75K offers to treat, that’s his or her prerogative – not an obligation.

But in your case, JHIO, your boyfriend’s completely broke. If you can’t find mutually satisfying stuff to do that doesn’t involve your pocketbook, then you’re stuck paying every single time.

And his suggestion that he move in with you, is a bad, bad idea. Do not under any circumstances allow this to happen. You should never move in with someone you barely know, let alone with someone who isn’t gainfully employed.

If you really like this guy, encourage him to do what it takes to get himself back on his feet. If that means moving in with his folks, so be it. But be very clear that he will not be moving in with you, and for the time being, you won’t be seeing each other either.

You need to conserve your cash, and he needs to focus his energies on securing another job. As any employment counselor will tell him: looking for a job is a full time job.

If you’re meant to be together, you can always hook up again once his life is back to normal.