Ask Anita

Dear Anita:

I have been seeing a man for almost three years and he is so wonderful. But I have learned that his son is an alcoholic and suffers from major depression.

A year into our relationship, the son moved in with his father and has been with him now for two years – with no end in sight. He will not get help and claims that he needs his dad.

It has definitely put a strain on our relationship and we try to see one another, but the son is extremely manipulative and the father is an enabler. I have suggested we go to counseling – private as well as Al-Anon – but the father won’t do either. I feel that I am at a dead end, but am very much in love with this man and he is in love with me. I just don’t know what to do with this relationship.

Part of my heart tells me to leave him and I have suggested that to him. I have told him his son needs him right now, and when he gets his son straight and he has the emotional energy and time for me, then we can move forward with a relationship. He won’t hear of it.

I have even suggested breaks from one another so that he won’t feel the pressure of trying to maintain a relationship, but he fears that someone else will find me and he will lose me. I am so confused on what to do. -Torn

Dear Torn:

Oh what a pickle you’re in.

You’re in love with a wonderful man who feels the same way about you. But as long as his clinically depressed, alcoholic son remains under his roof and refuses to get help – and as long as your beau continues to allow his son to take advantage of his good nature – I’m afraid you’re in for a long and tumultuous ride.

Unless your partner is a trained addictions counselor, he will never succeed in “getting his son straight.” Never. Professional intervention is absolutely required. Alcoholics – especially severely depressed ones – do not spontaneously recover. And when a parent or other family member enables them to continue down their path of self-destruction, they often get worse.

As you’ve noticed, addicts, in the throes of their addictions, are sneaky, manipulative liars. They lie to themselves and they lie to others. Adding fuel to the fire is that alcohol is a depressant, which only serves to exacerbate any underlying psychological problems the addict may have.

I realize you’ve invested three years of your life with this man. But since you’re not living together, I’ll assume you’re a strong, independent woman. And since he won’t even consider Al-Anon or private counseling – either with or without you – apparently, he’s not as wonderful as you think he is, nor is he that afraid of losing you, or he’d do it – if not for himself – then out of respect for you and your feelings.

The bottom line?

If your boyfriend cannot find the courage to stop protecting and enabling his son, and if he continues to reject professional help, I strongly suggest you untangle yourself from this highly dysfunctional web of codependence, and move on.

The fact is: love doesn’t conquer all, and you deserve better, don’t you?