Ask Anita

Dear Anita:

Recently, I have been questioning my sexuality. I’ve never done this before, but after being hurt by a relationship, I feel completely turned off by men. I’ve been focusing on women a lot, and I don’t know if that is because of my self-esteem issues with my body (I was overweight when I was younger) or if it is something more.

I really don’t think I’m a lesbian because I’ve always seen myself in relationships with men. But because I’ve been focusing on women so much and the idea is in my head, I keep thinking about the possibility. I’ve never thought about anything sexually with another woman, and when I masturbate, I picture myself in sexy scenes with a male. But is having this image of a woman (being me) more predominant than the image of the male saying something?

Please help. I’m very confused. -Turned Off, But Not Turned On?

Dear Turned Off:

One of the biggest clues to our sexuality is what we fantasize about when we masturbate. “Sexy scenes” with men signal to me that you are primarily heterosexual. The fact that your own image is featured more predominantly in your fantasies than the men you’re with could be an indication of how focused you are on your own pleasure. Or if the men you fantasize about are just random males, as opposed to men you actually know, it makes sense that their images would be somewhat fuzzier than your own.

If you read my May 19, 2008 answer to “Help! I’m Confused About My Sexuality!” you’ll recall that virtually no one is 100 percent gay or 100 percent straight. If you were leaning toward lesbianism or a clear case of bisexuality, you’d know it, because you’d become sexually aroused in the presence of women you find attractive – or at the very least – be entertaining some lesbian fantasies.

It’s natural to be turned off by men when we’ve been hurt badly by one (or two or three). And there’s nothing wrong with keeping our distance until we’re ready to date again. Add to the mix low self-esteem and body-image issues, and it’s not at all surprising you would feel more comfortable around other women.

But that doesn’t make you a lesbian. It’s just that we often find it easier to communicate with members of our own sex (especially post breakup), and we can certainly love our girlfriends without desiring them sexually.

However, if you’re still not sure, why not experiment a little? Try kissing some girls (with their consent, of course). If you find someone who turns you on, take it to the next level and see how you feel in the morning.

If you don’t know any women who’d be interested in helping you test the waters, check out your local gay/lesbian community listings. Attend some events, make some friends, and see where that takes you. Or you could always try meeting people through some of the gay/lesbian online dating sites that have “friendship” categories.

And if you still have concerns, Pink Triangle Services (PTS) has some information you might find helpful. Click here to read “I think I might be lesbian – now what do I do?”

Good luck, and most of all… love your body, love yourself, and have fun with your sexuality.