Ask Anita

Dear Anita:

I’ve been a member of a few online dating sites over the last couple of years and I’ve been on a lot of dates. I’ve even remained friends with some of the men I’ve dated. But so far, I haven’t met the “man of my dreams.”

I’m thinking of giving speed dating a try, but I’m not sure if it’s for me. Can you tell me a little bit about how speed dating works, and do you think it’s a good way to meet a potential life partner? –Speedy Gonzales

Dear Speedy:

Before I get into the ins and outs of speed dating, here’s a bit of trivia for you:

The term “SpeedDating” (one word) is actually a registered trademark of the American Friends of Aish HaTorah, Western Region, Inc., and was invented in Los Angeles, California, by Rabbi Yaacov Dayo and his students. The first official SpeedDating event (also known as “round robin dating”) was held in 1998 at Pete’s Cafe in Beverly Hills.

How Does Speed Dating Work?

Speed dating is much like blind dating, without the pressure, expectations, and/or good intentions of a concerned friend or family member.

But not all speed dating events are alike, as the number of minutes and the number of “dates” vary from event to event, and not all companies publish a schedule.

At SpeedDating.com, for example, you become a member for free, select an event near you, sign up, and then pay the event fee. This is how it works:

• An equal number of single men and women gather together at a specified location (usually a cafe or something similar).

• The venue is filled with tables for two, and each table is numbered.

• At the appointed time, one man and one woman are paired up at each table where they have seven minutes to talk. Participants are also given suggested topics to help break the ice.

• At the end of seven minutes, the host rings a bell and all “dates” come to a halt. Participants are asked to check either “yes” or “no” on their match cards to indicate whether they’d be interested in seeing their “date” again.

• The men then get up from their seats and move to the next table where another woman is waiting.

• At the end of sixty minutes, you’ll have been on seven mini dates.

• When it’s over, the SpeedDating host collects all the match cards and tallies the results. Within 48 hours, the participants with mutual “yes” responses are contacted and provided with their match’s name(s) and phone number(s).

Speeddating.com also offers some good suggestions for making the most of each seven-minute date. Here are a few of them:

 1. Talk about something other than where your date lives or what he/she does for a living. Have a fresh conversation about your favorite book or movie, where you last went on vacation, or how your life would change if you won the lottery.

2. Do not ask for your date’s phone number, address, or last name. And don’t ask if they are interested in seeing you again.

3. When you check the “yes” box, this means you’ve committed to a phone call with that person – even if you change your mind later or you want to date someone else first. If you receive more than one mutual match, date one person at a time. Decide whom you want to see first, and then make a courtesy call to let your other matches know you’re unavailable and that you’ll let them know if/when your situation changes.

4. If you enjoyed your seven-minute conversation, SpeedDating.com suggests you check the “yes” box – even if you didn’t feel any initial physical chemistry. (Because sometimes it takes time for chemistry to develop.)

Fastlife.com, on the other hand, is a bit different. You register with their site, tell them about yourself and the kind of person you’d like to meet, and they tailor the guest list to your specifications. Their events – which are by invitation only – are like fancy cocktail parties, complete with drinks and h’ordourves. Fastlife claims that over 90% of their guests match with at least one person at each event. (I can’t vouch for this statistic, but it certainly sounds good. So you may wish to check them out.)

You also ask whether speed dating is a good way to meet a potential life partner.

Sure; it can be. But it’s really no different from meeting someone at work, the laundromat, at church, at a party or at a bar, in that there are no guarantees. However, by getting yourself out there, you’re obviously going to increase your odds. To rephrase that famous line from Forest Gump: dating’s like a box of chocolates, you never know who you’re going to get.

To that end, I’d say speed dating is preferable to online dating (especially if you attend a lot of different events), because you’re forced to meet people face to face rather than spending weeks, months, or even years hiding behind a computer screen.

To find a speed dating event near you, just google “speed dating” followed by the name of your city and you should find a good selection.

Have fun!