Ask Anita

Dear Anita:
I’ve been using online dating for about a year now and I’ve gone on a couple of dates. But I’m not the best communicator and don’t really know what I’m supposed to say. I don’t mean just on a first date. I don’t even know what to say in an e-mail when I first contact someone. Can you help? ~Tongue-tied

Dear Tongue-Tied:
Rest assured, you’re not alone. Many folks find themselves at a loss for words right when they need them the most. They worry they won’t have anything interesting or witty to say, and they’re afraid others will find them boring or think they’re intellectually challenged, simply because they’re temporarily nervous or shy.

Of course, knowing you’re not alone may make you feel better, but doesn’t necessarily help. So to make things a little easier, I’ve outlined some things you can do to captivate your date, or potential date, and bring on the banter. Since you didn’t say whether you’re male or female, I’ll give examples for both genders.

Your First E-mail: If you are the one initiating the first e-mail contact, your goal is to elicit a favorable response. The best way to attract a person’s attention is to be friendly, articulate, upbeat, and make them feel special. Impersonal one-liners give the impression that a) you couldn’t care less about whom you are contacting or b) you haven’t even bothered to read the person’s profile. So…

1. Always begin your e-mail by using the person’s username or alias.

2. Introduce yourself and describe what you like about his or her profile.

3. Say something about yourself to show your possible compatibility.

4. Ask a question. If the person’s interested in responding, your question will help to relieve some of his or her anxiety in formulating an alluring and original reply.

Here’s an example: Let’s assume you’re Bob and you’re attracted to the profile of a user calling herself “SweetandSassyfromDenver.” Your first e-mail could go something like this:

Hi SweetandSassyfromDenver!

My name is Bob, and I found your profile fascinating.

Your volunteer work as an animal rights activist really caught my attention. I’m an animal lover myself and have always wanted to do something more for the abused and neglected creatures of this world. I’m currently reading Rain without Thunder: The Ideology of the Animal Rights Movement. Have you read it? Even if you haven’t, I’d love to discuss it with you.

We also seem to have the same musical tastes and I have an extensive CD collection as well.

I live in Denver too. Wouldn’t it be funny if we were neighbors?!

I look forward to hearing from you.

Bob

If you’re SweetandSassyfromDenver and you’re interested in Bob, you could say something like:

Hey Bob! Thanks for e-mailing me.

I haven’t met many men who share my passion for saving animals. It would be great to discuss my work and give you some advice on how you can become more involved in animal advocacy. I haven’t read the book you mentioned, but I’ll be sure to pick up a copy and let you know what I think.

So what are some of your favorite CDs? I’ve got everything ever recorded by Eric Clapton, but I do like a wide variety of music. Have you seen any concerts recently? I saw the Dixie Chicks at the Pepsi Center last weekend. They were awesome!

It would be great to hear from you again.

Oh, by the way, my first name is Suzanne and I really am “sweet and sassy.”

Keep the Conversation Going: If you’re Bob and you’re still interested in Suzanne, respond to her questions and take it from there.

The First Phone Call: This is a personal preference, but I would recommend sending at least three e-mails each, before moving on to telephone conversations.

Remember: You are still getting to know one another and your safety comes first. So if your online service offers anonymous calling, please use that. If not, make sure you block your name from the call display before dialing. Also, if you have a voicemail greeting that identifies you or your location, make sure you change it before giving out your number.

Ideally, you should agree on a time when you’ll both be home and arrange to talk then.

Phone Chemistry: In addition to learning more about the other person, a phone call is the first step in determining whether you have any real chemistry. Unfortunately, the sound of a person’s voice can often be a deal breaker. Remember Chandler’s girlfriend Janice from Friends?

Or take my friend Melissa. She was hooked on a guy I’ll call Jeff. His profile was well-written, his photos were awesome, and his e-mails made Melissa feel oh-so-special. However, when he called her for the first time, Melissa was horrified. His high-pitched, nasally voice was so annoying, she simply could not get past it. Not wanting to hurt his feelings, she agreed to meet him anyway.

This only complicated matters because, despite her misgivings, Melissa was extremely attracted to Jeff physically. But whenever he opened his mouth to speak, all she could think about was how much she detested his strange and pesky voice.

Chastising herself for being so shallow, Melissa attempted to ignore her true feelings and began to see Jeff on a regular basis. But whenever he was around her friends, she’d cringe in embarrassment, assuming that everyone found his voice to be irritating and odd (which, in fact, they did). This went on for about six months, during which time Melissa began sabotaging the relationship by initiating arguments, canceling dates, and ignoring his e-mails. Jeff finally broke up with Melissa, which was a huge relief for her.

The moral of the story?

If Melissa had been honest with herself (and Jeff) from the beginning, she could have avoided six months of deception, exasperation, and negative vibes. Not to mention that both of them would have been free to meet someone more compatible, rather than wasting each other’s time on a relationship that was doomed to fail.

What Should You Talk About When You Meet? Assuming you’re not Melissa, and you’ve each passed the voice compatibility test, you’ll want to continue calling each other and eventually meet in person. Because you’ve exchanged several e-mails and spoke a few times on the phone, you’ve likely established what each of your interests are. So it won’t be particularly difficult to pick up the conversation where you left off.

But just in case you’re met with some awkward silences, here are a few ideas to help break the ice and keep that conversation flowing!

• Be yourself. This is the most important piece of advice I can give you. If you pretend to be someone you’re not, it will eventually come back to haunt you and cause all sorts of complications down the road.

• Flattery will get you everywhere. Compliment the person – but only if you really mean it! You can mention her soft musical voice or that you love his quirky sense of humor. You can say that you like what he’s wearing or the way the sun brings out the highlights in her hair.

• Discuss current events. If you’re not an avid news hound, read your local paper or an online news site to brush up. Select a couple of articles you find interesting and ask your date if he or she has read them, or describe the stories and ask his or her opinion.

My personal favorites are bizarre-but-true news stories from around the world. They’re great conversation starters and many of them are hilarious.

For instance: I read that the Jones Soda Co. has a soft drink flavor called green pea. They also sell fish taco and salmon flavored soda and their “holiday pack” contains the following kooky thirst-quenchers: turkey and gravy, dinner roll, sweet potato, and antacid. Can you imagine anyone actually drinking this stuff?

There are a gazillion silly stories to choose from and – lucky for you – laughter happens to be one of the best ice-breakers ever!

• Ask questions. Open-ended questions are best. If your date happens to be shy, asking questions requiring only “yes” or “no” answers will definitely not help. But don’t make the person feel as if they’re being interrogated by the FBI – or, worse, their mom! For every question you ask, share one of your own experiences as well.

Here are some sample questions to help kick-start some captivating conversations:

1. What were you like in high school? Were you cool or a nerd and how did you feel about the kids who were different from yourself?

2. Did you have a special teacher who’s had a huge influence on your life? If so, what impact did he or she have?

3. Who do you most admire and why? This person can be living or dead, someone you know, or someone you’ve read about.

4. What is your favorite food and how often can you eat the same thing without losing your taste for it?

5. If you were commissioned to write a book on any subject you wanted, what would it be?

6. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?

7. Do you speak any other languages and how did you learn them?

8. If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be and why?

9. What would you do if you saw an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

10. I’ve heard that cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny. Do you think that’s true?

Well, you get the point.

Remember: With a little advance preparation, you’ll be able to carry on a conversation with confidence, humor, and wit. And when you have lots to talk – and laugh – about, you’ll both feel comfortable enough to be yourselves, which will hopefully lead to bigger and better things.

Happy talking!