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I Feel Like My Boyfriend is Hiding Me October 12, 2009

Posted by Anita in Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships, Since You Asked.
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3 comments

Dear Anita:
I have been dating my boyfriend a little over two years now, and I feel as though he is hiding me from his family because I have never been introduced to them. We are from different ethnic backgrounds, but I don’t think it’s a problem, as his ex girlfriend of seven years was also mixed black.

Recently, I was introduced to his brother, and I believe it is only because he had no choice, as his brother was moving in with him. We have discussed the issue and all he says is that he does not want to complicate things.

Once I even noticed that he had put all my things in his apartment away and was then informed in casual conversation that his sister came over. However, she knows about me because my good friend’s mom is her best friend. This hurts me a lot because I know his ex knew his family, and I feel like he does not feel that I am good enough.

I know all his friends; I attend all his formal events; and we always go out together. But he just won’t introduce me to his family. Oh, I am also 13 years younger than him, but I doubt this is a problem because it is the same age difference as his parents.

Please help me because this is becoming a huge issue, and when I tell him he does not take me seriously. Should I just end it?

Thanks in Advance. ~Not Sure What to Do

Dear Not Sure:
I wouldn’t rush into ending your relationship just yet.

Since you know all your boyfriend’s friends and you go out in public together, he’s not exactly hiding you. Apparently, he only has issues with his immediate family – but not with anyone else.

Perhaps he hasn’t introduced you to his parents because his previous relationship ended after seven years and he doesn’t want them to get their hopes up again. Or maybe his parents were so crazy about his ex, he’s sparing you the discomfort of being compared to her. Or alternately, maybe they had issues with his ex’s ethnic background, and he doesn’t want them to know that you are also of mixed race. And it’s possible he didn’t want his brother or sister to know about you because he didn’t want them blabbing about you to his parents.

But whatever the reasons – good or bad – for your own peace of mind, you need to get to the bottom of this. Stress to your boyfriend how miserable this situation is making you and that it bothers you when he doesn’t take your feelings seriously. Ask him to tell you specifically why it would complicate things if his parents knew about you.

If he refuses to discuss it and if you simply can’t let this go, only then would I suggest breaking up with him.

Is Her Overseas’ Ex a Threat? October 8, 2009

Posted by Anita in Advice for Men, Dating & Relationships, Since You Asked.
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Dear Anita:
My girlfriend is still friends with her ex and he calls her maybe once every three weeks. He lives in another country, so I know she’s not cheating on me or anything like that. But the other day, I saw a txt from her ex saying she should come and see him because he is lonely. I asked her why she still talks to him, and she just says they are still good mates. I never said anything about the txt because she doesn’t know that I’ve seen it. I never saw a reply to this either, so I’m not too sure what she wrote back. Since she says they are still mates, I’m going to have to get over the fact that she still talks to him. This isn’t really a major problem as he does live overseas, but it still annoys me and I just wanted a second opinion. Many thanks. ~Just Wondering

Dear JW:
Considering your girlfriend’s ex lives overseas, you’re right, she’s obviously not cheating on you – at least not physically. But judging by his text message, he clearly still has a thing for her. When exes remain friends, it’s not uncommon for one of the parties to still have feelings for the other – which is why it rarely works and why I generally recommend that exes sever all ties and get on with their lives.

The only time it truly makes sense for former lovers to remain in contact is when they have children together. Otherwise, there’s no need to keep the relationship going, especially when it bothers the people they are currently dating.

In your girlfriend’s case, her ex says he’s “lonely,” which can only mean he isn’t seeing anyone new, and hopes your girlfriend will be intimate with him if/when she comes for a visit. If your girlfriend has family and/or other friends overseas, then she may consider taking the trip. But if she chooses to go only to see him, then I’d be concerned. Even if she has no intention of sleeping with him, just by showing up, she’ll be leading him on and giving him false hope. And what’s the point in doing that?

Plus, you have to wonder what she’s getting out of their communications. Is he a boost to her self-esteem because she knows full well he still has feelings for her? If so, why does she need validation from him?

The bottom line is this: if it really annoys you, tell her. If she cares about your feelings and has no real reason to be in touch with her ex, then out of respect for you, she needs to move on. If she chooses her ex over you, then she’s obviously not that committed to your relationship. However, if it doesn’t bother you that much, and if you happen to have opposite-sex friends too, then I’d suggest you let it go.

One more thing: why are you reading her text messages? It’s a breach of trust and a violation of her privacy. If she can’t trust you – and you don’t trust her – then perhaps you should consider moving on yourself.

Good luck.

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