I Feel Like My Boyfriend is Hiding Me October 12, 2009
Posted by Anita in Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships, Since You Asked.Tags: Ask Anita, Ask Anita Advice
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Dear Anita:
I have been dating my boyfriend a little over two years now, and I feel as though he is hiding me from his family because I have never been introduced to them. We are from different ethnic backgrounds, but I don’t think it’s a problem, as his ex girlfriend of seven years was also mixed black.
Recently, I was introduced to his brother, and I believe it is only because he had no choice, as his brother was moving in with him. We have discussed the issue and all he says is that he does not want to complicate things.
Once I even noticed that he had put all my things in his apartment away and was then informed in casual conversation that his sister came over. However, she knows about me because my good friend’s mom is her best friend. This hurts me a lot because I know his ex knew his family, and I feel like he does not feel that I am good enough.
I know all his friends; I attend all his formal events; and we always go out together. But he just won’t introduce me to his family. Oh, I am also 13 years younger than him, but I doubt this is a problem because it is the same age difference as his parents.
Please help me because this is becoming a huge issue, and when I tell him he does not take me seriously. Should I just end it?
Thanks in Advance. ~Not Sure What to Do
Dear Not Sure:
I wouldn’t rush into ending your relationship just yet.
Since you know all your boyfriend’s friends and you go out in public together, he’s not exactly hiding you. Apparently, he only has issues with his immediate family – but not with anyone else.
Perhaps he hasn’t introduced you to his parents because his previous relationship ended after seven years and he doesn’t want them to get their hopes up again. Or maybe his parents were so crazy about his ex, he’s sparing you the discomfort of being compared to her. Or alternately, maybe they had issues with his ex’s ethnic background, and he doesn’t want them to know that you are also of mixed race. And it’s possible he didn’t want his brother or sister to know about you because he didn’t want them blabbing about you to his parents.
But whatever the reasons – good or bad – for your own peace of mind, you need to get to the bottom of this. Stress to your boyfriend how miserable this situation is making you and that it bothers you when he doesn’t take your feelings seriously. Ask him to tell you specifically why it would complicate things if his parents knew about you.
If he refuses to discuss it and if you simply can’t let this go, only then would I suggest breaking up with him.
I get this feeling too. It’s hard sometimes, to know what’s really going on. This really helped me get a different perspective on things. Thank you!
Thanks for your comment, Jessica. I’m glad to hear this helped.
Hi there,
I came across this after seeking some of my own answers/insight in to my own behaviour. I might be able to help bring some light to your situation as I only recently mentioned to my parents that I have a girlfriend after being with her for 1.5 years…
I certainly did not feel good about keeping it quiet for so long. I was even asked a couple times by my parents if there were any ’special ladies’ in my life (what lots of parents always ask!) and I did not have the confidence/assurance in myself to admit that I was seeing someone. To be frank, my mum in particular feels I was being deceptive and they feel hurt that I kept it a ’secret’ from them… fair enough…
Why did I keep it quiet for so long? Well, I’m still figuring that out, but what I do know is that I have some issues with my family (probably all in my head) and it was only until recent that I was able to tell my girlfriend that I loved her… before I could say that to her, the relationship didn’t really feel real to me (my girlfriend agrees, she was beggining to wonder if I just saw her as a very close friend – maybe I am/was afraid of intimacy?)… I think previously I was afraid to tell them I was seeing her because I was afraid of it all falling apart and me looking like an idiot and screwing something up (again). In reality I think it was selfish of me to keep it for so long, I was only protecting my own ego. Also we’ve also had one or two issues over the course of us being together that in a way I think made me feel insecure about our relationship and maybe unsure of my own self.
Basically, I would say that when it comes to love and relationships, it’s dangerous to generalise and make assumptions on the reasons for people’s behaviour. Ultimately people are complex. Our reasons for our thinking and actions can be so bizarre and non-sensical to other people, even though it might make complete sense to us.
Don’t worry too much, speak to your boyfriend about it. If you demand he tells his parents or demand a reason why he won’t say and he doesn’t comply, I would re-think things over. If it’s hurting you and he loves you, he will try his best to stop.
Stay strong and best of luck.