Ask Anita

Dear Anita:
I’m a 46-year-old divorced man with a couple of problems. I used to have a decent job working for a production company, but since I was laid off seven years ago, I haven’t been able to catch a break. I’ve had to work at a number of odd jobs to make ends meet, and even though I finally found a full-time gig, the pay’s not great. I make only enough for rent, living expenses, and other necessities, leaving me with nothing for pleasure. I’m also not a very good judge of character. I was married for eight years, before my wife confessed to being a lesbian and left me for another woman. You’d think I would have developed some “gaydar” after that. But no such luck. I was at a house party recently where I began flirting with a woman I found attractive. Things were going pretty well (or so I thought) until her live-in girlfriend arrived! In fact, this happens to me a lot. Every woman I find attractive is either gay, married, or in a relationship! Secondly, even if I’m lucky enough to meet a straight or unattached woman who’s actually interested in me, how do I date someone when I don’t even have money for dinner and a movie? –Clueless Poor Guy

Dear Clueless:
First of all, I’m sorry to hear you lost your job. It’s never easy to start over again. However, you’ve got something now, and even if the pay is low, you can still have a life that includes dating – providing you’re money smart and frugal.

Secondly, you should be aware that “gaydar” is nothing more than being intuitive. Some people have finely tuned powers of observation, others don’t. The fact that you were married to a gay woman doesn’t automatically give you “gaydar” any more than being married to a surgeon gives you the ability to perform an appendectomy.

Gay women are often labeled as “butch/dyke” or “femme/lipstick lesbian,” and it’s pretty hard to tell the glamorous gay gals from the straight ones. Actress Portia De Rossi is a good example.

But if you happen to be attracted to women who are on the butch/masculine side, I can see why you’d inadvertently find yourself in the company of so many women who are gay. If not, perhaps you’re unconsciously attracted to women who appear unattainable; hence, everyone who interests you “is either gay, married, or in a relationship.”

Fortunately, there’s an easy solution to your problem: online dating!

When you join an online dating site that caters to unattached, heterosexual singles, you’ll know in advance that most of the profiled women are available and looking for men. (The reason I say “most,” rather than “all,” is that some people lie, and you’ll encounter scammers in every group.)

Since you’re low on funds, simply google “free online dating.” Just be aware that not all free sites are of the same caliber. Make sure you join one that’s been around awhile, has a great reputation, and has lots of members in your city. (Plenty of Fish is a good one.)

Now, about your lack of funds.

Dating doesn’t have to involve “dinner and a movie,” and even if it does, who’s to say the dinner has to be at a restaurant and the movie at a theatre? How about cooking for your date and renting a movie or watching one on TV? Do you have a friend with a DVD collection? If so, ask to borrow one or two for the evening (assuming you own a DVD player, of course).

Or skip dinner and a movie altogether. There are so many creative things you can do that are free or almost free. Here are some suggestions:

• check out your city’s free music and art festivals
• go for a walk in the park or play on the swings
• take a stroll by the lake with a picnic lunch in tow
• visit a flea market (you don’t have to buy anything!)
• visit a petting zoo
• go to a car show, boat show, or home show
• bake cookies together
• go fishing
• take a drive in the country

Just use your imagination and you’ll be fine. All you have to do, CPG, is take the first step.

Good luck!