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Is Mom Too Old for Online Dating? March 12, 2009

Posted by Anita in Advice for Seniors, Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships, Online Dating, Online Hoaxes & Scams, Since You Asked.
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Dear Anita:

My mom is 67 years old and has been widowed for over six years. She’s recently expressed an interest in online dating.

Although I’m not against my mother dating, I am worried that online dating may not be safe for someone her age.

Do you think it’s okay for an elderly woman to use the internet to find dates, and if so, what can she do to protect herself? –Worried Daughter

Dear WD:

It’s commendable that you’re looking out for your mom, and you’re right to be concerned about her dating safety.

But assuming your mother has her wits about her (no Alzheimer’s, no Dementia), then she’s in no greater danger when dating someone she’s met in cyberspace than if she were to catch the eye of a handsome stranger in her local supermarket – providing she meets potential suiters in person, before “falling” for them online.

Everyone should be cautious when dating someone new, regardless of their age and where they happened to meet – and your mother is no exception.

There are a number of things she should and should not do to ensure her online dating experiences are as safe and rewarding as possible.

The greatest threat to the elderly and the naïve, are the money scammers – especially the ones who convince their victims to deposit money orders into their bank accounts, keep some of the money for themselves, and send the rest back to the scammer. The money orders are always fake, and by the time the bank notifies the victim, it’s too late. The scammee has already sent money to the scammer and is obligated to pay back the bank, usually wiping out the victim’s life savings.

So the most important thing for your mother to realize is no matter how sweet, sincere, sad, ill, god-fearing, or “in love” with her someone may appear, if she is ever asked for money, personal banking information, or to cash checks for that person, she must, immediately, cease all communication and block the shyster from ever contacting her again.

Naturally, watching out for money scammers is not the only thing an online dater needs to be cautious about. People can – and do – lie about their age, occupation, marital status, and so on.

As long as your mother remembers this, she can pay attention to subtle clues and read between the lines. If her gut tells her something – or somebody – seems “off,” she should trust her instincts.

And when she meets someone in person for the first time, she should always meet in a public place and let you (or someone close to her) know where she’ll be and what time she is expected home. If she’s really nervous about it, she can always have a friend shadow her and her date. For instance, if they meet at a restaurant or coffee shop, her friend can sit at another table and keep an eye on things until your mom gives the signal that all is well.

For more advice, check out the “Online Dating” section of my blog.

Is He Her Soul Mate… or Just Stringing Her Along? May 12, 2008

Posted by Anita in Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships, Online Dating, Online Hoaxes & Scams, Since You Asked.
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Dear Anita:
For the past three years I’ve been in a long-distance online relationship with an incredible man. He’s 36, I’m 20. He lives in the U.S. and I live in Canada. We e-mail or text message almost every day and he’s sent me lots of pictures of himself, his pets, his family and his friends. He’s madly in love with me and I’m head-over-heels in love with him. I’m sure he’s my soul mate. But my mom says online relationships aren’t normal and she doesn’t understand how we can be in love, since we’ve never met in person. She’s constantly nagging me to break up with him and find a “real man.” How can I convince my mom that it’s true love and get her off my back? –Happy Girl in Love

Dear Happy Girl:

You probably don’t want to hear this, but your mom’s got a point.

If you think about it logically, how can you truly love someone you’ve never met?

I’m not saying your emotions are invalid. The problem is this: you’re “head-over-heels in love” with the persona this man’s created—with his online image, his pictures and his words—but you have absolutely no way of knowing whether any of it is true. You’re “in love” with a computer-driven fantasy, not a person.

What’s even more disconcerting is that you’ve been communicating with this man since you were 17 and he was 33. You have to ask yourself (and this is likely what’s bothering your mom) why a 33-year-old man would be interested in a 17-year-old girl.

On the upside, there is no risk of you becoming pregnant or contracting a sexually transmitted disease. You are, after all, conducting this “relationship” from the safety of your own home. Mom may not be happy about what you are doing, but at least she knows where you are.

However, the anonymity of the internet makes it incredibly easy for unscrupulous people to lie. Some folks use it to enhance certain attributes about themselves, to appear more appealing and attractive, while others deliberately deceive.

Take the case of 20-year-old Huang Tzu-heng, who began dating his classmate Hsiao Lan in the spring of 2003. In an attempt to discover whether Hsiao really loved him, Huang created a fake online dating persona (”Mr. J”) and contacted his girlfriend.

Unsuspecting Hsiao began an online relationship with “Mr. J,” while continuing to date Huang in real life. One day Hsiao informed her boyfriend that she was breaking up with him, because she’d “fallen in love” with her online boyfriend, “Mr. J.”

Huang was so distraught, he killed himself, leaving behind two suicide notes (one for his parents and one for his love) explaining that he was in fact “Mr. J.”

The point is this: You never really know who you’re dealing with when you “date” in cyberspace.

Online dating is a fabulous tool for connecting with people from all walks of life. But unless you take your online relationships offline, you can’t really trust them.

“Virtual love” is not real love. Your 36-year-old cyber-boyfriend may very well be an online predator or a married man, playing with your emotions and stringing you along for his amusement.

The bottom line: Either end it, or call him on it.

It’s ridiculous for “soul mates madly in love” to have never met in person. Invite him to visit you in Canada. If he agrees, make sure your mom is present at the first meeting.

However, I’m willing to bet he’ll come up with every excuse in the book to get out of it. In which case, I strongly recommend you listen to your mother. Stop wasting your time on a man who is, likely, an insincere lout.

You’re young, Happy Girl. You’ve got lots of time to find a real flesh-and-blood soul mate—preferably someone who lives in your own town. And when you do… you’ll be happy your mom didn’t stop nagging and that you wrote to me for advice.

Beware of Valentine E-Cards From People You Don’t Know! January 30, 2008

Posted by Anita in Online Hoaxes & Scams.
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The Internet Patrol has issued a warning to beware of virus-carrying Valentine e-cards:

Those Valentine greetings that you are receiving, often in the guise of free e Valentine cards, may be sending you more than “Happy Valentines Day” greetings. In fact, they may contain a virus or two. Phony trojan Valentine greetings include subjects such as “Sent with Love”, “Our Love Will Last”, “Our Love is Strong”, “You’re the One”, “A Toast My Love”, “Falling In Love with You”, “Special Romance”, “Your Love Has Opened”, “Heavenly Love”, and “You’re In My Thoughts”.

Security firm Sophos has confirmed that the trojan Valentine greetings are already starting this year.

“It seems the hackers were too impatient to wait for St Valentine’s Day this year before plucking on heart strings in their attempt to infect the unwary,” said Graham Cluley, a senior consultant with Sophos. “People will be truly lovesick if they let the malicious code run on their PC.”

While the initial sentiment in the subject may be sweet, the link in the body of the email is anything but, taking the user not to see the rest of the supposed ecard, but to a computer on the hackers’ botnet which will then infect the user’s computer.

Explains Joel Smith, CTO and co-founder of online security company AppRiver, “Valentine’s Day is a prime time to spread a computer virus because so many people are flattered to receive unexpected cards and greetings. Be aware that many of the senders are after your bank account or your hard drive rather than your heart. If you’re not careful, they’ll break all three.”

“Because this email looks so credible, we expect the infection rate to be very high, perhaps in the millions of systems. It is important that people understand this virus is out there and be careful opening emails from unknown senders,” added AppRiver security analyst, Fred Touchette.

Says Touchette, “The bottom line is this: When in doubt, throw it out.”

Remember: If you receive an e-card from someone you don’t know, or you receive an e-mail offering you free Valentine e-cards, do NOT click on the attachment and delete the e-mail immediately.

Am I Rich or Is it a Scam? December 4, 2007

Posted by Anita in Dating & Relationships, Online Hoaxes & Scams, Since You Asked.
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Dear Anita:
I’m a member of two extremely popular online dating sites, and ever since I joined, I’ve been receiving a lot of weird e-mails. I’ve copied the e-mail below directly from my inbox. It makes absolutely no sense. I’ve never heard of this person, nor have I ever assisted him in “moving any cash.” Yet, he allegedly wants to send me $950,000 US dollars as “compensation” for my “past efforts.” I’ve also never disclosed my personal e-mail address to anyone on the site. So how did he get it? Here is the e-mail I received:

Hello Dearest Friend,
The money was moved under the co-operation of a new partner from Japan.
Presently,I’m in South Korea for the purpose of investing my own share
of the money.
Meanwhile I did’nt forget your past efforts and attempts in assisting
me to move the cash even though we were not successful.So feel free and
contact my attorney, Prince Onyeka, and give him instructions where to
send the Draft of (US$950, 000. 00) Nine hundred and fifty thousand
United Sates Dollars, which I kept as a compensation for all your past
efforts. Please let me know immediately you recieve it.Contact him on
the following informations below.
Name: of my attorney: Prince Onyeka
Email: princeonyeka2007@yahoo.fr
Tel: +229-9347-8739
Best regards,
Mr. Tony Chuks

Should I reply to Mr. Chuks or to his attorney and demand an explanation? –Bewildered Online Dater

Dear Bewildered:

First of all, do not, under any circumstances, reply to this e-mail.

Secondly, since you did not disclose your personal e-mail address to anyone on the dating sites you’ve joined, this e-mail most certainly did not come from a fellow on-line dater. In fact, I’ve personally received numerous e-mails just like the one you’ve included.

This phony letter, from the totally fake Mr. Chuks with his bogus attorney Prince Onyeka, is just one version of a typical e-mail scam.

How Scammers Get Our Info

According to internet experts, there are at least three ways scammers and spammers can get our e-mail addresses: 1) by using Robots: This evil software sneaks around scanning websites, searching for the symbol “@.” It steals e-mail addresses and compiles mailing lists; 2) by collecting e-mail addresses from Usenet postings; and 3) by buying e-mail lists from other Spammers.

How Can You Tell It’s a Scam?

It’s easy to spot an e-mail scam. The e-mails are never addressed to you personally and they are almost always riddled with typos, grammatical errors and poor spacing. Not to mention, most legitimate attorneys are not “Princes” with free yahoo e-mail accounts.

However, if English isn’t your first language, and spelling and grammar are not your forte, there are other signs too. For instance: You know for a fact you’ve never heard of this person; and strangers do not offer other strangers outrageous sums of money via unsolicited e-mail. Period. That in itself tells you it’s a scam.

Still not convinced? A fabulous website for identifying scams, is Scamdex.com: a searchable, indexed, scam archive, containing scams, spoof websites, phishing attempts and other internet fraud. It’s loaded with useful information and tips. As of December 3, 2007, they have samples of 41,241 e-mail scams in their database.

Types of Internet Scams

There are at least five types of internet scams, and I’ve been targeted by them all:

Advance Fee Fraud: The scammer asks you for money in order to “release” a much larger amount “being held” by a third party.

Lottery Scams: The scammer asks you to send him money in order to have your lottery winnings transferred into your country and/or bank account. Remember: You can’t win a lottery you’ve never entered and no legitimate lottery will ever ask YOU for money after you’ve won!

Phishing: Official-looking e-mails allegedly from large internet banking and online services, such as PayPal, ask you to confirm your personal details, including your credit card number. NEVER, EVER provide this type of information to an unsolicited e-mailer. (Also note, these e-mails are never addressed to you by name. They always say, “Dear PayPal User” or “Dear Royal Bank Customer” or something of that nature.)

E-bay Auction Scams: Watch out for “Second Chance Offers” on auctions you didn’t win or ever participate in! Also, beware of e-mails allegedly from eBay (”Dear eBay User”) asking you to verify or update your information. They would never do that!

Employment Scams: In this scam you are offered a job “processing international payments.” A bogus “certified check” or “bank draft” is sent to you or deposited directly into your bank account. You are supposed to deduct your “commission” and send the rest of the money to the scammer. The “certified check” or “bank draft” turns out to be fake, and you’re out the money you’ve already parted with, not to mention the bank charges for the bounced check. You could even be prosecuted for money laundering!

Pharming: The scammer redirects a request from one website to a spoof website, under a hacker’s control (which is why you should never click on a link!). This technique is used to make the scammer’s claims appear more authentic. However, their main purpose is to steal your login details and access your online banking account, etc.

The bottom line, BOLD:

• Never include your phone number, e-mail address, home address, or any other identifying details in your online dating profiles;
• Never respond to unsolicited e-mails offering you money or asking you to provide or “confirm” personal information;
• Never click on links in unsolicited e-mails; and
• Never, ever send money to someone you don’t know or you’ve never met in person, no matter how sad and convincing their story or how much they beg.