jump to navigation

No ‘Gaydar’ and Too Poor to Date? November 5, 2009

Posted by Anita in Advice for Men, Dating & Relationships, Online Dating, Since You Asked.
Tags: , ,
add a comment

Dear Anita:
I’m a 46-year-old divorced man with a couple of problems. I used to have a decent job working for a production company, but since I was laid off seven years ago, I haven’t been able to catch a break. I’ve had to work at a number of odd jobs to make ends meet, and even though I finally found a full-time gig, the pay’s not great. I make only enough for rent, living expenses, and other necessities, leaving me with nothing for pleasure. I’m also not a very good judge of character. I was married for eight years, before my wife confessed to being a lesbian and left me for another woman. You’d think I would have developed some “gaydar” after that. But no such luck. I was at a house party recently where I began flirting with a woman I found attractive. Things were going pretty well (or so I thought) until her live-in girlfriend arrived! In fact, this happens to me a lot. Every woman I find attractive is either gay, married, or in a relationship! Secondly, even if I’m lucky enough to meet a straight or unattached woman who’s actually interested in me, how do I date someone when I don’t even have money for dinner and a movie? –Clueless Poor Guy

Dear Clueless:
First of all, I’m sorry to hear you lost your job. It’s never easy to start over again. However, you’ve got something now, and even if the pay is low, you can still have a life that includes dating – providing you’re money smart and frugal.

Secondly, you should be aware that “gaydar” is nothing more than being intuitive. Some people have finely tuned powers of observation, others don’t. The fact that you were married to a gay woman doesn’t automatically give you “gaydar” any more than being married to a surgeon gives you the ability to perform an appendectomy.

Gay women are often labeled as “butch/dyke” or “femme/lipstick lesbian,” and it’s pretty hard to tell the glamorous gay gals from the straight ones. Actress Portia De Rossi is a good example.

But if you happen to be attracted to women who are on the butch/masculine side, I can see why you’d inadvertently find yourself in the company of so many women who are gay. If not, perhaps you’re unconsciously attracted to women who appear unattainable; hence, everyone who interests you “is either gay, married, or in a relationship.”

Fortunately, there’s an easy solution to your problem: online dating!

When you join an online dating site that caters to unattached, heterosexual singles, you’ll know in advance that most of the profiled women are available and looking for men. (The reason I say “most,” rather than “all,” is that some people lie, and you’ll encounter scammers in every group.)

Since you’re low on funds, simply google “free online dating.” Just be aware that not all free sites are of the same caliber. Make sure you join one that’s been around awhile, has a great reputation, and has lots of members in your city. (Plenty of Fish is a good one.)

Now, about your lack of funds.

Dating doesn’t have to involve “dinner and a movie,” and even if it does, who’s to say the dinner has to be at a restaurant and the movie at a theatre? How about cooking for your date and renting a movie or watching one on TV? Do you have a friend with a DVD collection? If so, ask to borrow one or two for the evening (assuming you own a DVD player, of course).

Or skip dinner and a movie altogether. There are so many creative things you can do that are free or almost free. Here are some suggestions:

• check out your city’s free music and art festivals
• go for a walk in the park or play on the swings
• take a stroll by the lake with a picnic lunch in tow
• visit a flea market (you don’t have to buy anything!)
• visit a petting zoo
• go to a car show, boat show, or home show
• bake cookies together
• go fishing
• take a drive in the country

Just use your imagination and you’ll be fine. All you have to do, CPG, is take the first step.

Good luck!

I Feel Like My Boyfriend is Hiding Me October 12, 2009

Posted by Anita in Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships, Since You Asked.
Tags: ,
3 comments

Dear Anita:
I have been dating my boyfriend a little over two years now, and I feel as though he is hiding me from his family because I have never been introduced to them. We are from different ethnic backgrounds, but I don’t think it’s a problem, as his ex girlfriend of seven years was also mixed black.

Recently, I was introduced to his brother, and I believe it is only because he had no choice, as his brother was moving in with him. We have discussed the issue and all he says is that he does not want to complicate things.

Once I even noticed that he had put all my things in his apartment away and was then informed in casual conversation that his sister came over. However, she knows about me because my good friend’s mom is her best friend. This hurts me a lot because I know his ex knew his family, and I feel like he does not feel that I am good enough.

I know all his friends; I attend all his formal events; and we always go out together. But he just won’t introduce me to his family. Oh, I am also 13 years younger than him, but I doubt this is a problem because it is the same age difference as his parents.

Please help me because this is becoming a huge issue, and when I tell him he does not take me seriously. Should I just end it?

Thanks in Advance. ~Not Sure What to Do

Dear Not Sure:
I wouldn’t rush into ending your relationship just yet.

Since you know all your boyfriend’s friends and you go out in public together, he’s not exactly hiding you. Apparently, he only has issues with his immediate family – but not with anyone else.

Perhaps he hasn’t introduced you to his parents because his previous relationship ended after seven years and he doesn’t want them to get their hopes up again. Or maybe his parents were so crazy about his ex, he’s sparing you the discomfort of being compared to her. Or alternately, maybe they had issues with his ex’s ethnic background, and he doesn’t want them to know that you are also of mixed race. And it’s possible he didn’t want his brother or sister to know about you because he didn’t want them blabbing about you to his parents.

But whatever the reasons – good or bad – for your own peace of mind, you need to get to the bottom of this. Stress to your boyfriend how miserable this situation is making you and that it bothers you when he doesn’t take your feelings seriously. Ask him to tell you specifically why it would complicate things if his parents knew about you.

If he refuses to discuss it and if you simply can’t let this go, only then would I suggest breaking up with him.

Is Her Overseas’ Ex a Threat? October 8, 2009

Posted by Anita in Advice for Men, Dating & Relationships, Since You Asked.
Tags: , ,
add a comment

Dear Anita:
My girlfriend is still friends with her ex and he calls her maybe once every three weeks. He lives in another country, so I know she’s not cheating on me or anything like that. But the other day, I saw a txt from her ex saying she should come and see him because he is lonely. I asked her why she still talks to him, and she just says they are still good mates. I never said anything about the txt because she doesn’t know that I’ve seen it. I never saw a reply to this either, so I’m not too sure what she wrote back. Since she says they are still mates, I’m going to have to get over the fact that she still talks to him. This isn’t really a major problem as he does live overseas, but it still annoys me and I just wanted a second opinion. Many thanks. ~Just Wondering

Dear JW:
Considering your girlfriend’s ex lives overseas, you’re right, she’s obviously not cheating on you – at least not physically. But judging by his text message, he clearly still has a thing for her. When exes remain friends, it’s not uncommon for one of the parties to still have feelings for the other – which is why it rarely works and why I generally recommend that exes sever all ties and get on with their lives.

The only time it truly makes sense for former lovers to remain in contact is when they have children together. Otherwise, there’s no need to keep the relationship going, especially when it bothers the people they are currently dating.

In your girlfriend’s case, her ex says he’s “lonely,” which can only mean he isn’t seeing anyone new, and hopes your girlfriend will be intimate with him if/when she comes for a visit. If your girlfriend has family and/or other friends overseas, then she may consider taking the trip. But if she chooses to go only to see him, then I’d be concerned. Even if she has no intention of sleeping with him, just by showing up, she’ll be leading him on and giving him false hope. And what’s the point in doing that?

Plus, you have to wonder what she’s getting out of their communications. Is he a boost to her self-esteem because she knows full well he still has feelings for her? If so, why does she need validation from him?

The bottom line is this: if it really annoys you, tell her. If she cares about your feelings and has no real reason to be in touch with her ex, then out of respect for you, she needs to move on. If she chooses her ex over you, then she’s obviously not that committed to your relationship. However, if it doesn’t bother you that much, and if you happen to have opposite-sex friends too, then I’d suggest you let it go.

One more thing: why are you reading her text messages? It’s a breach of trust and a violation of her privacy. If she can’t trust you – and you don’t trust her – then perhaps you should consider moving on yourself.

Good luck.

[Image from: http://www.lissgallery.com/todd_goldman/goldman_collection.htm]

University and Love September 13, 2009

Posted by Anita in Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships, Since You Asked.
Tags: ,
add a comment

Dear Anita:
I am an international student who has been in U.S. for three years, and I’m now a senior in high school. I have a boyfriend who is loving and caring about me; he seems to be the perfect person for me, and I am in love with him. He’s in community college, and we meet up pretty much every single day to hang out.

But here is the problem: I want to go to university somewhere in the east side of the U.S. – like Maryland, New York, or Pennsylvania. It was the whole purpose of coming to America and it is costing a lot of money. But I’m in California right now, and so is my boyfriend. Although I love him, at the same time, I cannot let go of my future! Fortunately, my BF told me that he would go wherever I go for my college. But I’m a realistic person. All the family he has is in California, so how the hell is he going to go somewhere far away from his home? He already has problems with finances since he has a single mom.

Should I just stop thinking about this, since I could get hurt if he does not come with me next year? And even if he does come, do you think it is a plan that would actually work out? I am so scared of my future. We are only 18 years old, but we do not want to lose each other. And we don’t ever know who is THE person in our lives. ~Worried Sick

Dear Worried:
You are clearly an intelligent and well-grounded young woman, and I think you already know the answer to your question. You recognize that your sole purpose in coming to the U.S. was to get an education – so obviously, that’s what you should be doing, whether or not your current BF tags along for the ride.

I’m sure you do love him, and I don’t mean to trivialize what you’re feeling. But if things don’t work out between you, I promise that, in time, you’ll meet someone else just as loveable. At 18, you’re still considered a child in many states, so the last thing you should be doing is worrying about whether or not this boy is THE ONE you are meant to spend the rest of your life with. (Chances are, he’s not.)

For now, all you have to do is concentrate on furthering your education and getting on with your life. If your BF moves to another state with you, great! If he doesn’t, you’ll be so busy with university and other new experiences that within a few months, you’ll be wondering why you ever thought this was such a big deal in the first place.

Good luck and have fun wherever you end up!

What’s My Sexual Orientation? August 24, 2009

Posted by Anita in Advice for GLBT, Advice for Men, Advice for Women, Dating & Relationships, Since You Asked.
Tags: , ,
add a comment


Dear Anita:
I’m an 18-year-old male and I’ve always had a physical attraction to both genders. Now that I’m a little older, I see that I find the emotional and physical part with just girls, and with guys it seems to be only physical. I wouldn’t rule out dating another guy or anything, but I just feel only physically attracted to them, not emotionally. In other words, it’s like I can fall in love with a girl, and with girls its like the whole package for me, but with guys its only physical. So I asked myself what I would answer if and when someone was to ask me my sexual orientation. What would I say? Thank you for your time and advice in advance. ~Not Labeled

Dear NL:
What you say is entirely up to you. If you feel the need to be totally honest, you could say you’re “bisexual,” or you could simply say you’re “sexual” and leave a little room for mystery.

We’re all sexual beings, after all, and it’s not uncommon to be sexually attracted to both men and women, but find ourselves developing emotional attachments to only one gender.

But ultimately, it doesn’t matter what you say because labels aren’t important, people are. So practice safe sex at all times, and when you’re ready for a deeper commitment, be a kind, caring, faithful, loving partner.

I do have one word of caution, though: If you’re dating another guy who’s really into you and you’re just in it for the sex, please be considerate and tell the truth. It isn’t fair to lead someone on when you know you’ll never be able to reciprocate emotionally.

Other than that, don’t worry about your sexual orientation or anyone’s opinion of it. Just enjoy being the unique, sexy, wonderful guy that you are!

Thanks for writing.